13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do
Raising Self-Assured Children and Training Their Brains for a Life of Happiness, Meaning, and Success
Book Edition Details
Summary
"13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do (2017) teaches parents how not to hold kids back from reaching their true behavioral, emotional, and academic potential. Many of today’s parenting practices don’t prepare children for adulthood – but these blinks demonstrate how to raise children to have the mental strength necessary to handle our increasingly complicated world."
Introduction
Every parent has witnessed those heart-wrenching moments when their child faces disappointment, rejection, or failure. Perhaps your teenager crumbles under the pressure of a challenging exam, your middle schooler refuses to try out for the team because they fear not making it, or your young child has a complete meltdown when their carefully built tower topples over. In these moments, your instinct might be to swoop in, fix the problem, and restore your child's happiness as quickly as possible. Yet what if these difficult moments are actually precious opportunities to build something far more valuable than temporary comfort? Mental resilience isn't about creating children who never struggle or feel pain—it's about raising young people who can navigate life's inevitable challenges with courage, wisdom, and inner strength. When children develop the ability to bounce back from setbacks, learn from mistakes, and persist through difficulties, they gain an invaluable foundation that will serve them throughout their lives. The journey toward raising resilient children begins with understanding that our role as parents isn't to eliminate all obstacles from their path, but to equip them with the tools and confidence they need to overcome whatever challenges they encounter.
Breaking Free from Victim Mentality
Victim mentality is the deeply ingrained belief that external circumstances completely determine one's happiness and success, leaving no room for personal choice or influence. Children who develop this mindset often feel powerless to change their situations and consistently blame others for their problems rather than seeking solutions or taking responsibility for their responses. Consider the transformative story of fourteen-year-old Cody, whose parents had convinced themselves that his ADHD diagnosis meant he was destined for academic failure. Rather than empowering him to develop strategies for success, they made excuses for every missed assignment and demanded that teachers lower their expectations. They told themselves they were being supportive, but their well-meaning protection actually convinced Cody that he was fundamentally incapable of keeping up with his peers. He began to see himself as a victim of his condition, believing that his struggles were entirely beyond his control. The breakthrough came when Cody's parents learned about successful individuals who had thrived despite similar diagnoses. They realized that ADHD was simply an obstacle to overcome, not an insurmountable barrier to success. This shift in perspective changed everything. They stopped making excuses for Cody's incomplete homework and instead helped him develop organizational systems. They established clear consequences for missed assignments while celebrating his efforts and improvements. Most importantly, they began speaking to Cody about his ADHD as a challenge he could learn to manage rather than a limitation that defined him. To help your child break free from victim mentality, teach them to distinguish between circumstances they can and cannot control. When your child faces a setback, guide them with empowering questions like "What choices do you have in this situation?" and "What could you do differently next time?" Help them recognize the difference between explaining their challenges and making excuses for them. Practice reframing negative situations together, moving from statements like "The teacher doesn't like me" to more empowering perspectives such as "I need to find better ways to show my understanding in class." Remember that empowering your child means believing in their ability to handle difficulties and make positive changes. When you refuse to make excuses for them or rescue them from every uncomfortable situation, you send the powerful message that they are capable of influencing their own outcomes and creating positive change in their lives.
Teaching Children to Face Discomfort
The ability to tolerate and work through uncomfortable emotions and situations is one of the most crucial life skills a child can develop. When children learn that difficult feelings are temporary and manageable, they become willing to take on challenges that lead to personal growth and meaningful achievement. Julie's story powerfully illustrates how parents can inadvertently prevent their children from developing this essential capacity. After her divorce from Michael, Julie was so determined to protect her children from the pain of their family's dissolution that she maintained an artificial family structure. She continued inviting Michael for Sunday dinners, included him in all holiday celebrations, and essentially created the illusion that nothing had fundamentally changed. While Julie believed she was shielding her children from emotional harm, she was actually preventing them from processing their grief and learning to adapt to their new reality. When Julie began dating someone seriously, this carefully constructed arrangement became impossible to maintain. Michael's hostility toward her new boyfriend created unbearable tension, forcing Julie to finally establish appropriate boundaries. The transition was undeniably difficult—her children experienced sadness, anger, and confusion about the changes in their family structure. However, this period of discomfort allowed them to begin genuine healing and adaptation. Through working with a therapist and their mother's patient support, Julie's children discovered they could survive difficult emotions and develop effective coping strategies. They learned that facing painful realities, while challenging, ultimately leads to authentic healing and growth. To teach your child to face discomfort, start by validating their feelings while expressing confidence in their ability to cope. When your child expresses anxiety about a new situation, acknowledge their concerns while saying something like "I understand you're nervous, and I believe you have the strength to handle whatever happens." Gradually expose them to manageable challenges that stretch their comfort zone without overwhelming their capacity to cope. Create opportunities for your child to practice working through difficult emotions rather than immediately trying to fix or eliminate their discomfort. Remember that building emotional resilience is like strengthening a muscle—it requires consistent practice with progressively greater challenges. Celebrate your child's courage in facing difficult situations, regardless of the outcome, and help them recognize their growing capacity to handle life's inevitable ups and downs.
Building Values-Based Decision Making
Values-based decision making occurs when children learn to make choices based on their deeply held beliefs about what's right and important, rather than simply following external rules or seeking immediate gratification. This internal moral compass guides them toward decisions that align with their character and integrity, even when no one is watching or when doing the right thing requires personal sacrifice. Kyle's experience demonstrates how easily children can lose sight of their values when external pressures become overwhelming. This fifteen-year-old was caught cheating in a prestigious college-level course and was subsequently removed from the program. When his devastated parents brought him to counseling, they were genuinely confused about how their son, whom they had always taught to be honest, could have made such a choice. However, their own behavior had inadvertently sent a conflicting message about what truly mattered. Kyle's parents had unknowingly created an environment where academic achievement seemed to trump all other considerations. They hired expensive tutors, enrolled him in costly SAT preparation courses, and constantly discussed Ivy League admissions. They praised him primarily for his intelligence and grades while rarely acknowledging other important qualities like kindness, perseverance, or integrity. When Kyle faced a challenging assignment with insufficient time to complete it properly, he felt that disappointing his parents with a poor grade would be worse than compromising his honesty. The family's therapeutic work involved clarifying their true values and aligning their daily behavior with those beliefs. Kyle's parents learned to praise character qualities, discuss ethical dilemmas as a family, and demonstrate genuine interest in his personal growth beyond academic achievement. To build values-based decision making in your child, begin by clearly identifying and regularly discussing your family's core values. Create opportunities for your child to practice making decisions based on these principles, starting with low-stakes situations where they can safely explore the consequences of different choices. When your child faces a moral dilemma, guide them through the decision-making process by asking thoughtful questions like "What kind of person do you want to be?" and "How would you feel about this choice in five years?" Model values-based decision making in your own life, and don't hesitate to admit when you've made choices that didn't align with your principles. Share your thought process when making difficult decisions, helping your child understand how to weigh immediate desires against long-term values and consequences. This foundation of internal guidance will serve them well throughout their lives, especially when they face situations where doing the right thing requires courage, sacrifice, or standing alone.
Summary
Building mental strength in children is fundamentally about developing resilient, capable individuals who can thrive despite life's inevitable challenges and setbacks. As this powerful journey reminds us, "Mentally strong people don't expect immediate results. Whether they're paying off debt or improving their physical health, they know change doesn't happen overnight. They stay the course and resist unhealthy shortcuts along the way." The path to raising mentally strong children requires patience, consistency, and the wisdom to know when to step back and allow them to develop their own inner resources and coping strategies. Rather than shielding our children from all discomfort or solving every problem for them, we must learn to trust in their capacity for growth and resilience. Start today by identifying one specific area where you can begin building your child's mental strength—whether it's allowing them to face a manageable disappointment, teaching them to identify and work through their emotions, or helping them make a decision based on their values rather than convenience or external pressure. Remember that every small step toward mental strength creates a foundation for a lifetime of resilience, authentic confidence, and meaningful success.
By Amy Morin
