He Comes Next
The Thinking Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man
Book Edition Details
Summary
In a world where understanding male desire is a mystery, Ian Kerner's "Passionista" is your secret weapon. This tantalizing guide flips the script on traditional advice, inviting women to explore what truly ignites a man’s passion. Kerner's engaging prose offers a no-holds-barred look into male sexuality, filled with humor and insightful revelations. It's like having an inside track to a man’s most intimate thoughts, revealing the nuances of pleasure and connection. Whether you're looking to invigorate a relationship or just satisfy your curiosity, "Passionista" promises a journey where giving becomes as exhilarating as receiving, transforming every encounter into a shared celebration of desire.
Introduction
Picture this: you're confident, intelligent, and fully embrace your sexuality, yet when it comes to understanding what truly drives male desire, you feel like you're navigating uncharted territory. You've mastered many aspects of intimate connection, but there's a persistent sense that something deeper remains unexplored. The truth is, male sexuality is far more complex and nuanced than popular culture suggests. Men aren't simply walking erections driven by visual stimuli alone. Behind every man's physical response lies a intricate landscape of emotions, fantasies, and vulnerabilities that most women never get to explore. This journey isn't just about technique or performance, it's about discovering the profound connection between his mind and body, understanding the psychology of desire, and becoming the kind of partner who can unlock levels of intimacy and passion that most couples never experience. When you truly understand what makes him tick emotionally and physically, you transform from someone who simply participates in sex to someone who orchestrates unforgettable experiences of mutual pleasure and deep connection.
Understanding the Male Body and Mind
Male sexuality operates like a carefully guarded fortress, with layers of protection both physical and psychological. The male pelvis, from an early age, develops what can be described as an inward pulling tension, a protective mechanism that extends far beyond simple physical reflexes. This creates a fundamental contradiction in masculine sexuality: the very area designed for pleasure becomes the most heavily defended territory of the male body. Consider Charlie, a pharmaceutical salesman who appeared to have an enviable sex life. For years, he would approach his colleague Ian with enthusiastic reports of amazing sexual encounters. What seemed like typical male bragging revealed something deeper when the truth emerged. Every passionate encounter Charlie described wasn't with different women, but with his wife of nine years and mother of their children. The secret to their sustained passion wasn't found in exotic techniques or constant novelty, but in their willingness to continuously expand their understanding of each other's desires and boundaries. Charlie's revelation illustrates a crucial principle: great sex isn't about doing something to someone, it's about experiencing something with someone. His marriage thrived because both partners remained curious about each other's evolving fantasies and desires, creating a dynamic where familiarity bred excitement rather than boredom. To unlock this level of connection, start by recognizing that his body tells a story of protection and vulnerability. Practice the "complete undressing" approach where both partners become fully naked, not just physically but emotionally. Create space for him to express desires he might consider embarrassing or unmanly. Encourage him to communicate what feels good without judgment, and pay attention to the subtle ways his body responds to different types of touch and pressure. Remember that behind every act of physical intimacy lies an opportunity for emotional connection. The goal isn't to master a series of techniques, but to become fluent in reading his unique responses and helping him feel safe enough to let down his guard completely.
Building Desire Through Creative Foreplay
True foreplay doesn't begin in the bedroom, it begins in the mind, and often outside the house entirely. The most powerful sexual organ isn't located between anyone's legs, it's between their ears. This means that desire-building happens through mental stimulation, anticipation, and the artful cultivation of sexual tension throughout daily life. Jenny, a thirty-two-year-old investment banker, discovered this principle when she adopted what she called the "I had a dream" technique. Both she and her boyfriend Bill were naturally reserved about discussing fantasies, but Jenny found a breakthrough approach. She would share elaborate sexual dreams with Bill, describing scenarios that ranged from watching him with another woman to more adventurous role-playing situations. Because these were supposedly dreams rather than direct requests, both partners felt safer exploring taboo territory. The technique worked beyond Jenny's expectations. Bill became more attentive throughout the day, calling her at work to ask about her dreams, and their evening conversations became charged with sexual anticipation. Even when they didn't act on specific dream scenarios, the act of sharing them created a constant undercurrent of erotic possibility in their relationship. This approach works because it separates fantasy exploration from immediate performance pressure. Create your own version of Jenny's technique by setting aside time each week for "fantasy sharing" without the obligation to act on what you discuss. Use hypothetical scenarios, shared daydreams, or even discussions about characters in movies to explore desires safely. Build anticipation through unexpected touches, texts, or gestures throughout the day. Leave notes in his briefcase, send suggestive messages during work hours, or create small rituals that signal your interest in connecting later. The key is understanding that desire feeds on novelty, mystery, and the promise of experiences yet to be discovered. Keep some part of yourself unknowable and continue growing as individuals so you always have new aspects of yourself to share.
Mastering the Art of Physical Pleasure
Physical pleasure transcends simple mechanical stimulation and enters the realm of full-body, mind-body integration. Most men experience what could be called "local" orgasms, focused primarily in genital sensation, when they have the capacity for "global" orgasms that engage their entire sensory and emotional being. The difference lies not in technique alone, but in creating the conditions for complete relaxation and surrender. Steve, a real estate broker, described how his relationship with his wife transformed when she began incorporating full-body massage into their intimate encounters. Lisa would spend extensive time working on his feet, scalp, and back before any genital contact occurred. Initially, Steve felt impatient, accustomed to more direct stimulation, but Lisa's confidence in her approach helped him surrender to the experience. The result was orgasms that he described as qualitatively different, more intense, and emotionally satisfying than anything he'd experienced through conventional approaches. This transformation happened because Lisa understood that male arousal operates on multiple levels. She learned to read his responses during different phases: the filling phase where blood flows into his penis, the grasping and clasping phase where rhythmic stimulation builds tension, and the final phase where strategic pressure and movement create maximum pleasure. Most importantly, she discovered that slowing him down and building tension throughout his entire body created orgasms that left him emotionally connected rather than simply physically satisfied. To achieve this level of pleasure, focus on building arousal gradually through non-genital touch before progressing to direct stimulation. Use the "squeeze, please, at ease" technique: provide stimulation, squeeze the head of his penis to reduce urgency, then take a complete break before continuing. This builds tension while preventing the rushed progression to orgasm that characterizes most male sexual experiences. Experiment with restraint, blindfolding, or extended massage sessions that force him to focus on sensation rather than performance. Pay attention to his breathing, muscle tension, and vocal responses to understand his unique arousal patterns. Remember that the goal is helping him experience sex as a full-body, emotionally connected experience rather than a quick release of tension. This approach benefits both partners and creates the foundation for sustained passion over time.
Creating Lasting Intimate Connection
Lasting intimate connection emerges when couples learn to see sex as an ongoing conversation rather than a series of isolated encounters. This means integrating sexuality into daily life, maintaining curiosity about each other's evolving desires, and creating space for emotional vulnerability alongside physical pleasure. The strongest relationships treat sexual intimacy as a continuous process of mutual discovery rather than a skill to be mastered once and repeated endlessly. Dr. David Schnarch's research on "eyes-open lovemaking" reveals how maintaining eye contact during intimate moments creates unprecedented levels of trust and presence. Couples who practice this approach report feeling more emotionally connected and experiencing more intense physical sensations. The vulnerability of being truly seen during moments of pleasure creates bonds that extend far beyond the bedroom. Consider implementing the "embracing until connected" practice: hug each other three times daily with the commitment to maintain contact until you both feel genuinely present with each other. This simple practice breaks through the protective barriers that develop in long-term relationships and creates multiple opportunities throughout each day for intimate connection. Most importantly, recognize that sexual boredom often signals the need for relationship expansion rather than technique improvement. Couples who maintain passion over decades are those who continue to surprise each other, pursue individual growth, and approach their partner with genuine curiosity about their inner world. Challenge yourself to ask questions you've never asked, share fantasies you've never voiced, and remain open to discovering new aspects of both yourself and your partner. Create rituals that prioritize your sexual connection, whether through regular date nights, weekend getaways, or simply protecting time for intimate conversation without distractions.
Summary
True sexual mastery comes from understanding that great sex isn't about perfect technique or flawless performance, but about creating genuine connection between two people willing to be vulnerable with each other. As Charlie discovered with his wife, the secret to maintaining passion over time lies in remaining curious about each other and treating every encounter as an opportunity for expansion and discovery. "Sex reminds me of my wife, and my wife reminds me of sex. And it all keeps on growing and expanding and twisting and turning in every direction, kind of like the universe." The most powerful insight is recognizing that your partner's pleasure isn't separate from your own, but intricately connected to your willingness to be fully present, emotionally open, and committed to mutual satisfaction. Start tonight by having one completely honest conversation about a fantasy or desire you've never shared before, and watch how vulnerability becomes the foundation for the most satisfying intimacy you've ever experienced.
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By Ian Kerner
