13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do
Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face Your Fears and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success
Book Edition Details
Summary
"13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do (2014) explains how to develop great mental strength by taking control of your emotions, thoughts, and actions. With useful tips, inspiring examples, and practical solutions, this book will help you overcome your fears and start living life to the fullest."
Introduction
Life has a way of testing us when we least expect it. Whether it's a sudden career setback, a relationship challenge, or an unexpected loss, these moments reveal something crucial about our inner resilience. The difference between those who thrive through adversity and those who merely survive isn't luck, talent, or circumstances—it's mental strength. Mental strength isn't about suppressing emotions or pretending everything is fine. It's about developing the psychological tools to navigate life's inevitable challenges while staying true to your values and goals. This journey toward mental fortitude requires us to examine not just what we should do, but more importantly, what we must stop doing. The habits that drain our emotional energy, cloud our judgment, and keep us stuck in cycles of frustration are often invisible to us, yet they wield enormous power over our daily lives. By identifying and eliminating these self-defeating patterns, we create space for genuine growth, authentic relationships, and meaningful progress toward our dreams.
Stop Wasting Energy on Things You Can't Control
The illusion of control can be one of our greatest sources of stress and frustration. When we pour our energy into trying to manage outcomes beyond our influence, we rob ourselves of the power to create real change in areas where we actually have agency. James found himself consumed with anger over his custody battle with his ex-wife Carmen. Despite repeated court appearances yielding no changes to the custody arrangement, he continued investing enormous emotional energy trying to control his ex-wife's parenting decisions and lifestyle choices. His attempts to influence what happened at her house, whom she dated, and how she disciplined their daughter were not only unsuccessful but were damaging his relationship with his child. During their precious time together, instead of creating positive memories, James would interrogate his daughter about her mother's household rules and express his disapproval of various decisions. Through therapy, James began to recognize that his need for control was actually making him less effective as a father. When he shifted his focus from trying to change his ex-wife to being the best parent he could be during his own time with his daughter, everything changed. He started planning engaging activities, listening to her concerns without judgment, and modeling the values he wanted to instill. The transformation was remarkable—not only did his relationship with his daughter improve dramatically, but his stress levels decreased significantly. The key to reclaiming your power lies in honest self-assessment. Create two lists: things you can control and things you cannot. Your thoughts, actions, reactions, and choices belong in the first column. Other people's decisions, past events, and external circumstances belong in the second. When you catch yourself worrying about items from the second list, immediately redirect that energy toward something from the first list. This simple practice can revolutionize your effectiveness and peace of mind. Remember that influence and control are different. While you cannot control others, you can influence them through your own behavior, communication, and example. Focus on being the change you want to see rather than demanding that others change to meet your expectations.
Don't Give Away Your Power to Others
Your emotional well-being is too precious to place in someone else's hands. When we allow other people's words, actions, or opinions to dictate our mood and self-worth, we surrender our most fundamental power—the ability to choose our response to any situation. Lauren felt trapped in a cycle of resentment toward her mother-in-law Jackie, who made frequent unannounced visits and regularly undermined Lauren's parenting decisions. Jackie would make comments like "A little TV won't hurt you" or "I'd let you have dessert, but your mother thinks sugar is bad." These interactions left Lauren seething with anger, yet she responded with polite smiles while internally building walls of bitterness. The situation reached a breaking point when Jackie criticized Lauren's appearance, prompting Lauren to storm out and spend the night at her sister's house. In therapy, Lauren discovered that she was giving Jackie enormous power over her emotional state and family life. Through a revealing exercise, she mapped how much time and energy she spent thinking about and complaining about Jackie versus the actual hours they spent together. The disproportion was staggering—Jackie occupied far more mental real estate than her physical presence warranted. This awareness became the catalyst for change. Lauren learned to set clear boundaries while maintaining respect. She and her husband established rules: no more unannounced visits, and any undermining of Lauren's authority would result in Jackie being asked to leave. More importantly, Lauren stopped giving Jackie free rent in her mind. She ceased complaining about Jackie to friends and family, recognizing that this only fueled her resentment and wasted precious emotional energy. To reclaim your power, practice the pause. When someone says or does something that triggers you, take a breath before reacting. Ask yourself: "Am I choosing this response, or am I letting them choose it for me?" Remember that your reaction is always your choice, regardless of how others behave. Develop a personal mission statement that reflects your values and goals. When external pressures try to pull you off course, return to this anchor to guide your decisions rather than being swayed by others' expectations or criticisms.
Embrace Failure as Your Path to Growth
The fear of failure can be so paralyzing that it prevents us from attempting anything meaningful. Yet failure is not the opposite of success—it's an essential ingredient in the recipe for achievement. Every setback contains valuable information that can guide us toward better strategies and stronger resilience. Susan had abandoned her dream of becoming a teacher after dropping out of college during her first semester. Overwhelmed by homesickness, academic challenges, and social anxiety, she concluded that she simply wasn't "college material." For fifteen years, she worked as a school receptionist, watching teachers with a mixture of admiration and regret. The pattern extended beyond education—whenever Susan encountered obstacles in any area of life, she interpreted initial difficulties as permanent verdicts on her capabilities. When Susan finally examined this pattern in therapy, she realized that her fear of repeating past failures had become a prison. She had created a narrative that one failed attempt predicted all future attempts. This revelation opened the door to possibility. Susan discovered that modern education offered flexible options she hadn't known existed—online courses, part-time programs, and support systems designed for adult learners. As Susan began taking online classes, her confidence grew with each completed assignment. She found that her life experience actually gave her advantages she hadn't possessed as an eighteen-year-old. Her motivation was clearer, her study habits more disciplined, and her perspective more mature. The "failure" of her first college attempt had taught her valuable lessons about her learning style and needs. To transform your relationship with failure, start viewing setbacks as data rather than verdicts. After any disappointment, ask three questions: What can I learn from this? What would I do differently next time? What strengths did this experience reveal? This analytical approach removes the emotional sting and extracts practical wisdom. Create a "failure resume" documenting your setbacks and the lessons they taught you. You'll likely discover that your biggest failures led to your most significant growth and redirection toward better opportunities.
Build Resilience Through Calculated Risk-Taking
Playing it safe might feel comfortable, but it often leads to stagnation and regret. Calculated risk-taking—where you carefully evaluate potential outcomes and prepare for various scenarios—is essential for growth, opportunity, and living a fulfilling life. Dale had spent nearly thirty years as a high school shop teacher, but his passion for the work had dimmed considerably. He dreamed of opening his own furniture business, combining his woodworking skills with entrepreneurial freedom. However, past financial losses from a real estate investment had made him extremely risk-averse. His wife dismissed his business ideas as unrealistic dreaming, reinforcing his belief that he should stick with the security of his teaching position until retirement. The weight of unfulfilled dreams began affecting Dale's mental health. He felt increasingly depressed and disconnected from his work, recognizing that his lack of enthusiasm was shortchanging his students. In therapy, Dale learned to distinguish between reckless gambling and calculated risk-taking. Instead of viewing his choice as all-or-nothing—quit teaching to start a business—he discovered middle ground. Dale developed a plan to start his furniture business part-time, working evenings and weekends in his garage. He would sell pieces online and through local advertising, requiring minimal initial investment. This approach allowed him to test the market, develop his business skills, and build a customer base while maintaining his teaching income. The plan included specific milestones for evaluating progress and clear criteria for deciding whether to expand or maintain the status quo. Remarkably, as Dale began pursuing his entrepreneurial dreams, his passion for teaching was rekindled. The creative fulfillment from his furniture work energized him in all areas of life, making him a more engaged and inspiring teacher than he had been in years. When evaluating risks, create a comprehensive analysis including potential costs, benefits, alternatives, and mitigation strategies. Consider both best-case and worst-case scenarios, and develop specific plans for handling various outcomes. This preparation transforms anxiety-provoking unknowns into manageable challenges. Start with smaller risks to build your confidence and skills. Each successful navigation of uncertainty strengthens your ability to handle larger challenges and opportunities that align with your goals and values.
Summary
Mental strength isn't about perfection or invulnerability—it's about developing the wisdom to focus your energy where it can make the greatest impact. As this exploration reveals, true resilience comes not from what we force ourselves to do, but from what we choose to stop doing. The habits that drain our power, cloud our judgment, and limit our potential often operate below our conscious awareness, yet they shape our daily experience in profound ways. The journey toward mental strength requires honest self-examination and the courage to change patterns that no longer serve us. When we stop wasting energy on things beyond our control, refuse to give our power away to others, embrace failure as education, and take calculated risks toward our goals, we create space for authentic growth and meaningful progress. Your mental strength is not fixed—it's a skill that develops through practice and intentional choice. Start today by identifying one self-defeating habit you're ready to release. Replace that energy drain with a positive action that moves you toward your values and goals. Remember, every moment offers a fresh opportunity to choose strength over surrender, growth over stagnation, and possibility over limitation.
By Amy Morin
