Change Your Questions, Change Your Life
12 Powerful Tools for Leadership, Coaching, and Choice
byMarilee G. Adams, Marshall Goldsmith
Book Edition Details
Summary
"Change Your Questions, Change Your Life (2009) shows how the queries you pose can reshape your thinking and outcomes. Delve deep into the transformative power of inquiry to shift from a judgmental mindset to a learning stance. Through compelling stories and actionable insights, you'll discover the art of asking the right questions, sparking both personal growth and profound connections."
Introduction
Have you ever wondered why some people navigate challenges with grace while others get stuck in cycles of frustration and self-doubt? The difference often lies not in their circumstances, but in the quality of questions they ask themselves. Every moment of every day, we're engaged in an internal dialogue powered by questions—questions that either lift us up or pull us down, questions that open possibilities or close them off. This internal questioning shapes our mindset, which in turn determines our experiences, relationships, and results. The transformative power lies in recognizing that we can change these questions, and when we do, we fundamentally alter the trajectory of our lives. This journey toward mindset mastery isn't about perfection; it's about awareness, choice, and the courage to shift from judgment to curiosity, from reactivity to intentional response.
Discover the Power of Question Thinking
Question Thinking represents a fundamental shift in how we understand the nature of our thoughts and reactions. At its core, it's the recognition that we think with questions, not just thoughts, and these questions create our reality more powerfully than we ever imagined. Most people remain unconscious of this internal questioning process, yet it governs everything from our daily decisions to our deepest beliefs about ourselves and others. Consider the story of Ben, a technical expert who found himself failing as a leader despite his deep knowledge and problem-solving abilities. Ben had always been the "Answer Man" in his career, relied upon for his expertise and quick solutions. However, when he was promoted to lead a team at QTec, everything began to unravel. His meetings became frustrating dead ends, team members seemed to ignore his directions, and his relationship with Charles, a team member who asked countless questions, grew increasingly tense. Ben found himself consumed by questions like "Why can't I get anything right?" and "What makes me think I have anything to offer as a leader?" The breakthrough came when Ben learned to observe not just what he was thinking, but how he was thinking. He discovered that his internal questions were actually creating his experience of failure and frustration. When he shifted from asking "Why does Charles want to sabotage me?" to "What is Charles seeing that I'm missing?" everything changed. This simple shift in questioning opened up new possibilities for collaboration and understanding that had been invisible before. To harness Question Thinking in your own life, start by becoming a detective of your own mind. Throughout your day, pause periodically and ask yourself: "What questions am I asking myself right now?" Notice whether these questions expand your possibilities or contract them. When you catch yourself in a spiral of limiting questions, consciously choose to ask a more empowering one. This practice of mindful questioning becomes the foundation for all positive change. Remember that mastering Question Thinking is like developing any skill—it requires patience, practice, and self-compassion. The goal isn't to eliminate challenging questions but to become conscious enough to choose questions that serve your highest good and help you create the life you truly want.
Make Friends with Your Judger Mindset
The Judger Mindset represents the part of our consciousness that seeks to be right, in control, safe, and certain. While often seen as purely negative, this mindset actually serves an important survival function, protecting us from perceived threats to both our physical safety and our sense of self. Understanding and befriending your Judger, rather than fighting it, becomes essential for true mindset mastery. Ben's relationship with his Judger Mindset revealed itself most clearly in his interactions with Charles. Every time Charles asked a question in meetings, Ben felt his body tense up, his teeth clench, and a surge of frustration rise within him. His Judger was asking questions like "Who does Charles think he is?" and "Why can't he just follow my lead?" Ben's Judger had developed strong beliefs that questions represented challenges to authority and that good team members should simply execute without inquiry. This internal narrative was rooted in his childhood experience of watching his father become angry when his mother didn't know answers to questions, leading Ben to vow that he would always have the answers. Through careful self-examination, Ben began to see how his Judger was actually trying to protect him. It feared that not having all the answers would make him appear incompetent and unworthy of respect. His Judger believed that Charles's questions were threats to his credibility and position. However, as Ben learned to listen to his Judger with curiosity rather than judgment, he discovered valuable information about what mattered most to him—competence, respect, and successful project outcomes. To make friends with your own Judger, start by getting curious about its concerns rather than dismissing or fighting it. When you notice Judger thoughts arising, pause and ask: "What is my Judger trying to protect me from?" Often, you'll discover legitimate concerns about safety, belonging, or competence beneath the critical voice. Acknowledge these concerns with compassion, recognizing that your Judger developed these patterns to help you survive and succeed. Practice responding to your Judger as you would to a worried friend—with kindness and understanding. Instead of judging your Judger, thank it for its concern and gently redirect toward more constructive questions. This approach transforms your relationship with this aspect of yourself from adversarial to collaborative, creating space for growth and positive change.
Master the Art of Switching Mindsets
Switching represents our innate human ability to change mindsets consciously and intentionally, moving from reactive patterns to responsive choices. This skill forms the cornerstone of mindset mastery, allowing us to interrupt automatic reactions and choose more empowering ways of thinking and being. The art lies not in never experiencing difficult mindsets, but in recognizing them quickly and having reliable tools to shift. Ben's transformation accelerated when he learned the ABCD Choice Process for switching mindsets. During one particularly challenging team meeting, he felt his familiar frustration rising as Charles began asking his usual barrage of questions. Instead of reacting automatically, Ben paused to become Aware of what was happening in his mind and body. He noticed his clenched jaw, his rapid breathing, and the critical questions flooding his thoughts. Taking a conscious Breath, he allowed himself to step back from the immediate reaction. This created space for Curiosity to emerge, and he found himself wondering: "What if Charles's questions aren't attacks but attempts to understand and contribute?" Finally, he made a conscious Decision to respond from this new perspective rather than his old pattern. The shift was remarkable. Instead of dismissing Charles's questions or responding with irritation, Ben began to actually listen and engage with genuine interest. He discovered that Charles's inquiries often highlighted important aspects of their project that Ben had overlooked. What had seemed like obstruction was actually valuable collaboration. This single shift in how Ben approached Charles's questioning style transformed not only their working relationship but the entire team's dynamic and project outcomes. Developing your switching skills requires practice with both internal awareness and external techniques. Start by identifying your personal switching questions—those powerful inquiries that can interrupt your automatic patterns and redirect your attention. Questions like "How else can I think about this?" or "What would love do here?" can serve as circuit breakers for reactive patterns. Combine these mental tools with physical practices like deep breathing or the hand-on-heart technique to engage your whole being in the switching process. Remember that switching is a skill that improves with practice. Be patient with yourself as you develop this capacity, celebrating small wins and learning from moments when you catch yourself after the fact. The goal is progress, not perfection, and each moment of awareness brings you closer to mindset mastery.
Create Your Learner Living Future
Learner Living represents a commitment to making curiosity, growth, and possibility your default way of being in the world. Rather than simply avoiding negative mindsets, Learner Living involves actively cultivating an orientation toward learning, connection, and creative problem-solving. This approach transforms not only how you experience life but also the results you create and the relationships you build. Ben's journey toward Learner Living began with his willingness to admit his limitations and ask for help. When his boss Alexa refused to accept his resignation and instead sent him to work with Joseph, a Question Thinking coach, Ben initially resisted. His Judger believed that needing coaching meant failure. However, as he began to embrace a learner's mindset toward his leadership challenges, everything shifted. He started approaching his role with curiosity rather than the pressure to have all the answers. He began asking team members questions like "What are you seeing that I might be missing?" and "How can we solve this together?" This transformation rippled throughout Ben's life. His relationship with his wife Grace improved as he stopped approaching their conversations with the assumption that she was criticizing his work when she shared her own daily challenges. Instead, he began listening with genuine interest and offering support rather than defensiveness. The team project that had been failing began to succeed as Ben created space for collective intelligence and collaborative problem-solving. Ben discovered that his true strength as a leader lay not in having all the answers but in asking powerful questions that helped his team find solutions together. To create your own Learner Living future, begin by envisioning what becomes possible when curiosity becomes your dominant approach to life's challenges. Practice Q-Prep, a systematic way of preparing for important conversations by getting clear on your goals, examining your assumptions, and identifying the questions that will serve everyone involved. Before difficult conversations or meetings, ask yourself: "What do I want to learn from this interaction?" and "How can I show up in a way that creates the best outcome for everyone?" Commit to making Learner Living a daily practice rather than an occasional technique. This means regularly checking in with your mindset, consciously choosing questions that expand rather than contract your possibilities, and treating setbacks as learning opportunities rather than failures. Remember that creating lasting change requires consistency and self-compassion as you develop these new patterns of thinking and being.
Summary
The journey toward mindset mastery through Question Thinking offers a profound pathway to personal transformation and enhanced relationships. By recognizing that we think with questions and that these questions shape our reality, we gain access to one of the most powerful tools for creating positive change. The practice involves befriending rather than fighting our Judger Mindset, developing the skill of conscious switching between mindsets, and ultimately creating a life grounded in curiosity and growth. As the book emphasizes: "The only person you can change is you, and that's what makes you powerful." This simple truth reminds us that our greatest influence lies not in controlling others or circumstances, but in mastering our own internal responses and choices. Begin today by becoming aware of the questions you're asking yourself, practice switching to more empowering inquiries when you notice limiting patterns, and commit to approaching your life with the curiosity and openness of a true learner.
By Marilee G. Adams
