Intimacy & Desire
Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship
Book Edition Details
Summary
"Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship (2009) explains why all people in committed, long-term relationships run into sexual problems. Driven by case studies of real couples in sex therapy, the book demonstrates how people in relationships can transform their perspective – and confront themselves and each other – to reawaken sexual passion."
Introduction
When passion fades and desire dwindles in your relationship, it's easy to believe something has gone terribly wrong. You might find yourself wondering if you've simply fallen out of love, or if your partner has lost interest in you entirely. The silence in your bedroom becomes deafening, and the distance between you grows wider each day. Yet what if these challenging moments aren't signs of failure, but rather natural waypoints on the journey toward deeper connection and more profound intimacy? What if your current struggles with desire are actually invitations to grow into the person and partner you're meant to become? This exploration reveals how sexual desire problems, far from being relationship death sentences, can become powerful catalysts for personal transformation and renewed passion. The path forward isn't about returning to how things used to be, but about evolving into something far more meaningful and sustainable than you ever imagined possible.
Master the Four Points of Balance System
The Four Points of Balance represents your capacity to maintain emotional stability and authentic connection simultaneously. This system encompasses your ability to hold onto yourself while staying emotionally present with your partner, confront difficult truths about yourself and your relationship, remain calm under pressure, and endure discomfort for the sake of growth. Consider Kate and Paul, a married couple struggling with sexual desire problems after eight years together. Kate had lost interest in sex entirely, while Paul felt frustrated and rejected. Their relationship had become a battlefield of unspoken resentments and defensive reactions. When they first attempted to hold hands during a therapy session, their connection felt wooden and mechanical, as if they were trying not to notice they were touching each other. Neither was truly present in the moment. As Kate and Paul learned to apply the Four Points of Balance, everything began to shift. They started with simple exercises like holding hands while consciously calming themselves down and focusing on the actual point of physical connection. This seemingly basic practice revealed how much anxiety and emotional reactivity had been driving their interactions. Kate discovered she could regulate her own emotional crashes instead of inflicting them on Paul, while Paul learned to control his angry outbursts and stay present during difficult conversations. To develop your own Four Points of Balance, start by practicing emotional self-regulation during everyday interactions with your partner. When you feel yourself becoming reactive, pause and focus on calming your mind and heart before responding. Practice confronting uncomfortable truths about yourself rather than deflecting or blaming your partner. Build your tolerance for emotional discomfort by staying present during difficult conversations instead of withdrawing or attacking. Remember that developing these capacities takes time and patience with yourself. The goal isn't perfection but rather building your ability to remain grounded and authentic even when your relationship feels challenging.
Build Collaborative Physical Alliances Together
A collaborative alliance transforms your relationship from a battleground of competing needs into a partnership focused on mutual growth and authentic connection. Unlike the typical dynamic where partners try to get what they need from each other, a collaborative alliance means both people commit to bringing their best selves to the relationship while supporting each other's individual development. Larry and Juanita exemplified how physical practices can rebuild collaborative alliances. After years of sexual problems and emotional distance, they began with "hugging till relaxed"—simply holding each other until both partners naturally calmed down. Initially, Juanita would become nervous as they moved toward any sexual activity, but this practice allowed them to reconnect emotionally before physical intimacy became overwhelming. Larry learned to focus on being present with Juanita rather than pursuing his own agenda. Their breakthrough came when they progressed to "heads on pillows"—lying face to face, making eye contact, and truly seeing each other. During one session, Juanita told Larry, "I don't want you to take away the best teammate I've ever had." This moment of vulnerability and recognition transformed their entire dynamic. They realized they could work together to address their sexual challenges rather than seeing each other as obstacles to overcome. Begin building your collaborative alliance through simple physical practices. Try hugging until you both naturally relax, focusing on calming yourself rather than trying to change your partner. Progress to lying face to face and making gentle eye contact, allowing yourselves to be truly seen. Practice "feeling while touching" by staying mentally present and connected to your partner during any physical contact, rather than going through the motions or focusing solely on technique. The key is maintaining your individual emotional balance while staying physically and emotionally connected to your partner.
Create Tender Loving Intimacy and Connection
Tender loving sex represents the integration of deep emotional connection with passionate physical intimacy. This isn't about specific techniques or positions but rather about bringing meaning, presence, and authentic vulnerability to your sexual relationship. It requires the courage to be truly seen and known by your partner while maintaining your own sense of self. Kate and Paul discovered this transformation when they moved beyond their pattern of disconnected, routine sex. Instead of their usual hurried encounters in the dark, Paul surprised Kate one afternoon by leading her to their bathroom mirror after her bath. Without words, he positioned her so she could see herself while he touched her, maintaining eye contact throughout. This shift from hidden, shame-based sexuality to open, celebratory intimacy marked a turning point in their relationship. Their experience culminated in what they described as "making beautiful music together"—Kate humming while moving rhythmically with Paul, both fully present and playful. When Kate reached orgasm while looking directly into Paul's eyes, it represented more than physical pleasure. It was a moment of complete emotional transparency and connection, what they called their "Vulcan mind-meld" experience of profound intimacy. To create tender loving intimacy in your own relationship, start by practicing eyes-open intimacy during non-sexual moments. Make genuine eye contact during conversations and physical affection. Progress to keeping your eyes open during kissing and touching, allowing yourself to truly see and be seen by your partner. Focus on bringing emotional presence and meaning to physical intimacy rather than just pursuing physical sensations. Challenge yourself to stay emotionally present even when you feel vulnerable or self-conscious. Practice expressing love and appreciation verbally during intimate moments, remembering that tender loving sex isn't about performance but about authentic connection and mutual vulnerability.
Summary
The journey from sexual desire problems to passionate connection reveals a profound truth about human relationships: our greatest challenges often contain our greatest opportunities for growth. As one couple discovered, "You can work on your relationship all you want, but your relationship will be working on YOU!" This transformation requires moving beyond the myth that desire should be effortless and embracing the reality that passionate, lasting connection demands emotional courage, personal growth, and the willingness to be truly known by another person. The path forward isn't about returning to how things used to be but about growing into the people capable of creating the love you truly want. Start today by choosing one small way to bring more presence, authenticity, and emotional courage to your relationship—your future self and your partner will thank you for taking that first brave step toward genuine intimacy and renewed passion.
By David Schnarch
