Love People, Use Things
Because the Opposite Never Works
byJoshua Fields Millburn, Ryan Nicodemus
Book Edition Details
Summary
Could less stuff lead to a richer life? Love People, Use Things (2021) by The Minimalists, Joshua Fields Millburn and Ryan Nicodemus, moves beyond decluttering to show how minimalism makes room to heal and reevaluate seven essential relationships: stuff, truth, self, money, values, creativity, and people, guiding you toward a fuller, more meaningful existence.
Introduction
In our culture of endless accumulation, we've created a paradox that defines modern life: we own more possessions than any generation in history, yet we feel emptier than ever. The average American household contains over 300,000 items, yet studies consistently show we're more anxious, overwhelmed, and miserable than previous generations. We've been conditioned to believe that happiness comes through acquisition, that the next purchase will finally fill the void we feel inside. But what if the solution isn't adding more to our lives, but rather removing what doesn't serve us? This journey isn't about deprivation or living with less for the sake of sacrifice. Instead, it's about creating space for what truly matters by clearing away the clutter that obscures our path to genuine fulfillment. When we strip away the excess—both physical and emotional—we discover something remarkable: the relationships, experiences, and values that actually bring meaning to our lives have been there all along, waiting to be rediscovered.
Clear the Clutter, Find Your Purpose
At its core, minimalism is about understanding the true cost of our possessions—not just their price tags, but the ongoing burden of storing, maintaining, cleaning, and worrying about them. Every item we own demands a piece of our attention and energy, resources that could be directed toward relationships, creativity, and personal growth. Joshua and Jennifer Kirkendoll discovered this truth dramatically when their overstuffed suburban home, filled with years of accumulated possessions, became a symbol of their mounting anxiety and debt. They had followed the traditional path of the American Dream: bigger house, newer cars, designer clothes, weekend shopping trips to fill the void. Yet despite having everything they thought they wanted, they felt increasingly disconnected from each other and trapped by their lifestyle. The Kirkendolls' transformation began with a simple decision to question everything they owned. They rented a dumpster and spent a weekend systematically removing items that no longer served a purpose in their lives. As they cleared their physical space, something unexpected happened: they began to breathe easier, laugh more, and rediscover what had drawn them together in the first place. The process taught them that minimalism isn't about having nothing—it's about making room for everything that truly matters. To begin your own decluttering journey, start with this fundamental question: "Does this item add value to my life?" Be honest about what you actually use versus what you think you might need someday. Create three categories—essential, nonessential, and junk—and be ruthless about eliminating the third category entirely. Remember that letting go is a skill that improves with practice. Start small with items that hold little emotional weight, then gradually work toward more challenging decisions. The goal isn't perfection but progress toward a life where every possession serves a purpose or brings genuine joy.
Align Actions with Your True Values
Living authentically requires understanding the difference between what we think we want and what we actually value. Too often, we pursue objects and achievements that promise happiness but deliver only temporary satisfaction. This phenomenon, known as Object A, represents the things we believe will fix everything—the luxury car, the perfect house, the next promotion—yet consistently leave us feeling unfulfilled. Luke Wenger experienced this firsthand during his transition from farm life to urban success as a research scientist. Despite his comfortable salary and apartment filled with desired possessions, each purchase provided only fleeting satisfaction before the cycle of wanting resumed. He found himself trapped on what psychologists call the hedonic treadmill, constantly adapting to new circumstances without achieving lasting contentment. Wenger's breakthrough came when he realized he was confusing pleasure with deeper forms of well-being. Pleasure provides momentary satisfaction but requires constant renewal. True contentment, however, emerges from living in accordance with our foundational values: health, relationships, creativity, growth, and contribution. When our daily actions align with these core principles, we experience a sustainable form of fulfillment that doesn't depend on external acquisitions. To identify your authentic values, distinguish between your foundational values that remain constant, structural values that define your personality, surface values that reflect current interests, and imaginary values that actually serve as obstacles. Focus your energy on decisions that support your foundational and structural values while being flexible about surface preferences. Create a personal mission statement that reflects these values, then use it as a filter for major life decisions. When faced with choices about career, relationships, or lifestyle changes, ask whether each option moves you closer to or further from your authentic self.
Build Meaningful Relationships That Matter
The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives, yet modern society systematically undermines genuine human connection. We've become experts at accumulating social media followers while struggling to maintain deep friendships. We work longer hours to afford bigger houses that isolate us from neighbors. We fill our time with possessions and distractions that provide the illusion of comfort while starving our fundamental need for authentic connection. Every relationship in your life falls into one of three categories: primary relationships with your closest family and friends, secondary relationships with colleagues and extended social circle, and peripheral relationships with acquaintances and community members. The key insight is that we often spend disproportionate time with peripheral relationships while neglecting the primary relationships that actually sustain us. Erwin McManus learned this lesson profoundly during his battle with stage 4 colon cancer. Facing mortality forced him to recognize that relationships aren't about finding people who elevate us, but about becoming someone who contributes meaningfully to others' lives. The healthiest relationships operate on mutual contribution rather than extraction—both parties give what they can and receive what they need, creating an expanding cycle of support and growth. To build meaningful relationships, practice the TARA approach: tolerance, acceptance, respect, and appreciation. Begin by tolerating differences in those you care about, gradually moving toward accepting them as they are, respecting their choices even when you disagree, and ultimately appreciating their unique perspectives. This progression naturally deepens understanding and strengthens bonds. Set clear boundaries that protect your well-being while remaining open to authentic connection. Remove toxic relationships that consistently drain your energy or undermine your values. Focus your limited time and attention on relationships that inspire growth and provide mutual support.
Summary
The path to simple living isn't about acquiring less stuff—it's about creating space for a richer, more authentic life. When we remove physical clutter, we make room for creativity. When we align with our true values, we experience genuine contentment. When we prioritize meaningful relationships, we discover the connection we've been seeking through material possessions. As the book reminds us, "Love people and use things, because the opposite never works." This simple wisdom cuts through decades of consumer culture messaging and points toward a fundamental truth: our possessions are tools that should serve our relationships and values, not the other way around. The freedom we seek isn't found in the next purchase but in the courage to let go of what no longer serves us. Your transformation begins with a single decision to question everything currently in your life. Choose one area—your closet, your digital habits, or a single relationship—and apply the principles of intentional living. Ask yourself honestly what adds value and what creates clutter. Then take the first step toward the life you actually want to live, not the one you think you're supposed to want.
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By Joshua Fields Millburn
