Polysecure
Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy
byJessica Fern, Eve Rickert, Nora Samaran
Book Edition Details
Summary
In a world where love knows no single boundary, "Polysecure" invites you to rethink the conventional paths of attachment and intimacy. Jessica Fern, a pioneering polyamorous psychotherapist, reshapes the landscape of emotional connection by weaving the rich tapestry of attachment theory into the vibrant fabric of consensual nonmonogamy. With a unique lens, she unveils her innovative nested model of attachment and trauma, offering profound insights into the emotional undercurrents that shape our relationships. Fern presents six groundbreaking strategies, each designed to foster secure attachments across multiple partners, challenging the monolithic view of love. This isn't just a guide; it's a revolutionary manifesto for those who dare to love expansively, poised to redefine the conversations surrounding attachment and open-hearted connections.
Introduction
Sarah sat in her therapist's office, tears streaming down her face as she tried to explain the inexplicable anxiety that washed over her every time her partner went on a date with someone else. "I thought I wanted this," she whispered. "We both agreed to open our relationship. I love him, and I want him to be happy. But when he's with someone else, I feel like I'm drowning." Her therapist nodded knowingly—this wasn't the first time she'd heard such a story. For many people exploring consensual nonmonogamy, the journey can feel like navigating uncharted waters without a compass. While the desire for multiple loving connections feels authentic and natural, the emotional reality often presents unexpected challenges. Traditional relationship advice falls short when applied to polyamorous dynamics, leaving people feeling lost and questioning whether they're broken or simply not cut out for nonmonogamy. This book bridges that gap by applying attachment theory—the science of how we bond and connect with others—to consensual nonmonogamous relationships. Through compelling stories and practical insights, we'll explore how our early experiences shape our capacity for love, how multiple relationships can trigger both our deepest fears and greatest growth, and most importantly, how we can cultivate secure, thriving connections with multiple partners while maintaining a strong relationship with ourselves. The path to becoming "polysecure" isn't about perfection—it's about understanding, healing, and creating the kind of love that honors both our need for connection and our authentic selves.
Understanding Attachment Theory and Trauma Across Life's Dimensions
Marcus had always prided himself on being independent. Growing up with emotionally distant parents, he learned early that relying on others led to disappointment. When he entered his first serious relationship, this self-reliance served him well—until they decided to explore polyamory. Suddenly, his girlfriend Emma was forming deep bonds with other partners, sharing vulnerabilities he'd never seen her express. Meanwhile, Marcus found himself unable to connect with potential partners, maintaining a cool distance that left others feeling shut out. What he didn't realize was that his attachment style, formed decades earlier, was now playing out in ways that limited his capacity for the very connections he claimed to want. Emma faced her own challenges. Having grown up with inconsistent parenting—sometimes smothered with attention, other times ignored for days—she'd developed an anxious attachment style that manifested as an intense need for reassurance. In monogamy, Marcus's steady presence had been enough to calm her fears. But polyamory amplified her insecurities tenfold. She found herself constantly checking her phone for messages, analyzing every interaction for signs of abandonment, and becoming increasingly demanding of time and attention from all her partners. This story illustrates how our earliest experiences of love and safety become the blueprint for all future relationships. Attachment theory reveals that we don't simply choose how to love—we're unconsciously driven by patterns established in our first years of life. Yet these patterns aren't fixed destinies. Understanding the four attachment styles—secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized—offers a roadmap for healing. When we recognize how our past shapes our present, we gain the power to consciously choose new ways of connecting, transforming our deepest wounds into sources of wisdom and strength.
Consensual Nonmonogamy and the Challenge of Multiple Attachments
When David and Maria first opened their marriage, they thought their biggest challenge would be scheduling conflicts and jealousy management. They'd read the books, attended the workshops, and carefully negotiated their agreements. What they hadn't anticipated was how profoundly the shift would impact their attachment system—the deep, biological need for secure connection that exists within every human being. Three months into their polyamorous journey, Maria found herself in an unexpected crisis. David had developed feelings for someone new, and suddenly Maria's nervous system was in constant alarm mode. Her heart raced when he left for dates, her sleep became restless, and she experienced panic attacks for the first time in her life. "I feel like I'm going crazy," she told her friend. "I know intellectually that he loves me, but my body feels like it's under threat every time he walks out the door." Meanwhile, David was struggling with his own attachment confusion. He genuinely loved both Maria and his new partner, but found himself torn between two different worlds. When he was with Maria, he felt guilty about his feelings for the other woman. When he was with his new partner, he felt guilty about the time he was spending away from Maria. Rather than experiencing the joy of expanded love, he felt fractured and overwhelmed. Their experience reveals a crucial truth about nonmonogamy: opening our hearts to multiple people doesn't just multiply love—it multiplies complexity. Our attachment system evolved to seek safety and security, often through exclusive pair bonds. When we consciously choose to love multiple people, we're asking our ancient wiring to adapt to a modern relationship structure. This adaptation is possible, but it requires patience, understanding, and specific skills that most of us were never taught. The challenge isn't weakness or failure—it's the natural growing pains of expanding beyond conventional relationship models toward something more aligned with our authentic selves.
The HEARTS Framework for Polysecure Relationships
Rachel had been polyamorous for three years, but her relationships always seemed to follow the same pattern: intense beginnings filled with hope, followed by gradual disconnection and eventual endings that left everyone involved feeling hurt and confused. She was beginning to wonder if she was simply bad at relationships when she met James, whose approach to polyamory felt completely different. Unlike Rachel's previous partners, James had a way of being fully present when they were together. He put away his phone, looked her in the eyes, and gave her his complete attention. He regularly expressed specific things he appreciated about her, not just generic compliments but detailed observations about her unique qualities that made her feel truly seen. When she shared her feelings about her other relationships or life challenges, he listened with genuine curiosity rather than judgment or advice-giving. They developed little rituals together—a special way of saying goodbye before dates with others, a Sunday morning routine of sharing gratitude, consistent check-ins about how they were both feeling about their relationship. Most remarkably, when they had their first real conflict, James didn't withdraw or become defensive. Instead, he took responsibility for his part, made genuine repairs, and they actually felt closer afterward. Rachel realized she'd never experienced anything like this level of security and consistency in a relationship—monogamous or polyamorous. What James intuitively understood were the elements of secure attachment: being Here and present, expressing genuine Delight in his partners, maintaining Attunement to their inner worlds, creating meaningful Rituals and routines, and skillfully navigating conflict through Turning toward each other afterward. The final element—Secure attachment with Self—provided the foundation that made all the others possible. This HEARTS framework offers a practical roadmap for creating the kind of safety and connection that allows love to flourish, regardless of how many people are involved. When we master these elements, we discover that multiple relationships don't dilute love—they amplify it.
Building Secure Attachment with Self and Others
For years, Alex had been seeking something elusive in her relationships. She'd tried monogamy, then polyamory, then relationship anarchy, constantly hoping that the right structure or the right person would finally make her feel whole. It wasn't until she began working with a therapist who understood attachment that she realized she was looking in the wrong place entirely. The security she craved had to begin within herself. Alex's childhood had been marked by emotional neglect—not abuse, but a subtle absence of the attuned care that children need to develop a secure sense of self. As an adult, she'd unconsciously looked to partners to provide what she'd never learned to give herself: self-compassion during difficult times, celebration of her achievements, comfort during distress, and encouragement to grow and explore. When partners inevitably couldn't meet these needs consistently, she felt disappointed and abandoned, often ending relationships or starting new ones in search of that elusive feeling of being truly cared for. The breakthrough came when Alex learned to become her own secure attachment figure. She developed practices for tuning into her own feelings and needs, created rituals that nourished her soul, and learned to speak to herself with the same kindness she'd show a dear friend. She practiced sitting with difficult emotions rather than immediately seeking comfort from partners, while also learning when and how to ask for support. Slowly, a profound shift occurred. The desperate edge in her relationships softened into genuine appreciation. She no longer needed her partners to complete her—instead, she could share her wholeness with them. This transformation reveals the deepest truth about secure relationships: they're not built between two half-people seeking completion, but between two whole individuals choosing to share their lives. When we develop secure attachment with ourselves, we stop asking our partners to carry burdens that are ours to bear, and we're freed to love from abundance rather than need. This internal security becomes the foundation that allows us to navigate the complexities of multiple relationships with grace, wisdom, and authentic connection.
Summary
The journey toward polysecurity is ultimately a journey home to ourselves. Through the stories of couples like Sarah and her partner, Marcus and Emma, David and Maria, Rachel and James, and Alex's path to self-discovery, we see that the challenges of consensual nonmonogamy are not obstacles to overcome but opportunities for profound growth and healing. The HEARTS framework offers more than just relationship skills—it provides a pathway to the kind of love that honors both our deepest need for connection and our authentic desire for freedom. When we learn to be truly present with ourselves and others, express genuine appreciation, maintain emotional attunement, create meaningful rituals, repair conflicts with grace, and develop unshakeable self-security, we discover that love is not a finite resource to be rationed but an infinite wellspring that grows stronger when shared. The most profound insight is this: the security we seek in relationships must first be cultivated within ourselves. When we become our own safe haven and secure base, we're freed to love others not from desperation but from abundance. This inner foundation allows us to navigate the natural complexities of multiple relationships with wisdom, patience, and authentic care. The goal isn't to eliminate all challenges or achieve perfect harmony, but to develop the resilience and skills to move through difficulties while maintaining connection to ourselves and others. In doing so, we create not just sustainable nonmonogamous relationships, but a way of loving that honors the full spectrum of human connection and transforms us into more whole, compassionate beings.
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