She Comes First
The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman
Book Edition Details
Summary
"She Comes First (2004) is a guide to improving a woman’s sexual experience through the act of cunnilingus. It emphasizes the value of the female orgasm and argues for a reduced focus on penetration."
Introduction
In intimate relationships, many couples struggle with the stark reality that while 75% of men reach climax within minutes, only one-third of women consistently experience orgasm. This creates what researchers call "the pleasure gap" - a profound disconnect that leaves countless women frustrated and relationships strained. The root of this challenge isn't complexity, but rather a fundamental misunderstanding of female anatomy and arousal patterns. Women's bodies operate on entirely different timelines and require completely different approaches than what most men naturally provide. When we shift our focus from performance-driven encounters to genuine understanding and patient attention, everything changes. The key lies in recognizing that her pleasure isn't just a bonus - it's the foundation of truly satisfying intimacy for both partners.
Understanding Her Anatomy and Arousal
The clitoris is not simply a small button, but rather a complex network of eighteen interconnected parts, most of which remain hidden beneath the surface. This remarkable organ contains over 8,000 nerve endings - twice as many as the penis - and serves no other purpose than pleasure itself. Masters and Johnson proclaimed it "a unique organ in the total of humanity" for good reason. Consider the experience of Dr. Ian Kerner, who struggled with premature ejaculation early in his sexual life. Feeling inadequate and desperate to satisfy his partners, he turned to oral stimulation as a solution to his performance anxiety. What began as compensation for his perceived shortcomings became a revelation about female pleasure. Through careful observation and patient practice, he discovered that the tongue could accomplish what the penis often could not - provide the persistent, rhythmic stimulation that women's bodies actually require. As Kerner developed his technique, he noticed dramatic changes in his relationships. Women who had never experienced orgasm with previous partners were suddenly able to reach climax consistently. His own confidence grew as he realized that sexual satisfaction wasn't about duration or size, but about understanding and responding to his partner's actual needs. This transformation taught him that when we approach women's bodies with curiosity rather than assumption, we unlock extraordinary potential for mutual pleasure. To master this understanding, start by exploring her anatomy together during non-sexual moments. Use diagrams or mirrors to familiarize yourselves with the visible and hidden parts of her clitoral network. Communicate openly about what feels good and what doesn't. Remember that every woman's sensitivity and preferences are unique, so approach each encounter as an opportunity to learn rather than to perform. The goal isn't to become an expert overnight, but to become a dedicated student of her specific pleasure.
Mastering the Art of Oral Technique
The tongue possesses unmatched versatility as an instrument of pleasure. Unlike other body parts, it never grows tired, never loses enthusiasm, and can be controlled with extraordinary precision. The key to masterful oral technique lies not in aggressive action, but in the delicate balance between movement and stillness, pressure and lightness. Ron Jeremy, despite his famous ten-inch member, once observed that "more women have gotten off with my tongue than with my penis." This insight reveals a crucial truth about female pleasure - it responds better to nuanced attention than to forceful penetration. The tongue can provide exactly the kind of focused, rhythmic stimulation that brings women to orgasm, something that intercourse alone rarely accomplishes. One woman Kerner interviewed described her first experience with skilled cunnilingus as transformative. She had spent years believing something was wrong with her because she couldn't climax during intercourse. Her partner's patient, methodical approach to oral pleasure changed everything. He began with gentle kisses around her vulva, gradually building intensity while maintaining perfect rhythm. As she relaxed into the experience, she discovered sensations she never knew were possible. The orgasm that followed was unlike anything she had experienced through any other means. Begin every session with the lightest possible touch, spending ample time on areas surrounding the clitoris before making direct contact. Use long, slow strokes from bottom to top, maintaining steady rhythm rather than varying your technique randomly. Press your flat tongue against her vulva and let her move against you to create her own friction. Pay attention to her breathing and muscle tension as indicators of arousal. When she approaches orgasm, maintain exactly what you're doing rather than changing technique or increasing intensity. Consistency in the final moments is absolutely crucial for helping her reach climax.
Creating Complete Pleasure Experiences
Sexual satisfaction extends far beyond the moment of orgasm to encompass the entire journey of arousal, climax, and resolution. Creating complete pleasure experiences requires understanding that women's bodies operate on different timelines and have vastly different recovery patterns than men's bodies. A study cited in "Sex: A Man's Guide" found that 82% of women rated cunnilingus as "very satisfying," while only 68% rated intercourse the same way. More striking still, women reached orgasm 81% of the time during oral sex but only 25% during intercourse. These statistics reveal that oral stimulation isn't foreplay - it's the main event that should be treated as a complete sexual experience in its own right. Sarah, a participant in Kerner's research, described how her relationship transformed when her partner adopted this philosophy. Previously, their sexual encounters felt rushed and incomplete, always building toward intercourse as the "real" sex. When her partner began treating oral pleasure as a complete experience, taking time to build arousal slowly and bring her to multiple orgasms before any penetration occurred, their entire dynamic shifted. She felt valued and satisfied in ways she had never experienced, while he discovered that his own eventual orgasm was more intense when delayed until after hers. Structure your intimate encounters in three phases: foreplay to build anticipation, "coreplay" focused on oral stimulation to completion, and "moreplay" for continued connection and potential additional pleasure. Spend at least 15-20 minutes in foreplay, building arousal through kissing, caressing, and manual stimulation before any oral contact. During coreplay, focus entirely on her pleasure without rushing toward your own. In moreplay, maintain physical and emotional connection rather than immediately rolling away or falling asleep. This approach creates space for multiple orgasms and deeper intimacy while preventing the common "orgasm gap" that leaves many women unsatisfied.
Building Confidence and Connection
The foundation of exceptional intimate experiences rests on three essential assurances that must be communicated both verbally and through actions. First, that going down on her genuinely turns you on and brings you pleasure. Second, that there's no rush and she has all the time she needs. Third, that her natural scent and taste are intoxicating rather than concerning. Many women carry deep anxieties about oral intimacy stemming from cultural messages about feminine "freshness" and body shame. These fears can prevent them from fully relaxing into pleasure, creating a barrier that no technique can overcome. Kerner discovered that addressing these concerns directly and authentically was often the difference between mediocre encounters and transformative ones. Lisa, who later became Kerner's wife, initially struggled with these exact anxieties. She worried about taking too long, about her natural scent, about whether her partner was genuinely enjoying the experience. Through patient communication and consistent reassurance, Kerner helped her understand that her pleasure was genuinely his priority. As she began to trust his enthusiasm and lose her self-consciousness, her capacity for pleasure expanded dramatically. What had once been awkward and anxiety-provoking became deeply connecting and satisfying for both partners. Build this foundation of trust through consistent verbal appreciation and patient attention to her comfort level. Tell her specifically what you find attractive about her body and her responses. Never rush or show impatience, even if the process takes longer than expected. Create an environment where she feels completely safe to communicate her needs and preferences. Practice active listening during intimate moments, responding to both verbal and non-verbal cues. Remember that building sexual confidence is an ongoing process that deepens with time and consistency, ultimately creating the safety needed for her to surrender fully to pleasure.
Summary
True sexual fulfillment emerges when we abandon performance-oriented approaches in favor of genuine understanding and patient attention to our partner's unique needs. As this guide demonstrates, the female orgasm isn't mysterious or elusive when we apply the right knowledge with the right attitude. The transformation from sexual frustration to consistent satisfaction requires embracing a fundamental truth: "When it comes to pleasuring women and conversing in the language of love, cunnilingus should be every man's native tongue." This isn't about becoming perfect overnight, but about committing to being a dedicated student of pleasure who prioritizes partnership over performance. Start tonight by having an honest conversation with your partner about desires and anxieties, creating the foundation of trust that makes extraordinary intimacy possible.
By Ian Kerner
