The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did)
Sound parenting advice based on psychology
Book Edition Details
Summary
"The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did) (2019) is exactly what it sounds like: a book on raising children and a trove of practical knowledge that you can’t help thinking your childhood would have benefited from. Spotlighting mental health and emotional development, this book takes an alternative approach to parenting that’s apt for our modern world."
Introduction
Every parent faces moments when they feel overwhelmed by the complexity of raising children. You might find yourself caught between wanting to do everything right and feeling completely lost about what that even means. The journey of parenthood isn't just about managing daily routines or addressing behavioral issues—it's fundamentally about building a relationship that will last a lifetime. This relationship becomes the foundation upon which your child develops their sense of self, their capacity for happiness, and their ability to form meaningful connections with others. The quality of this bond determines not just how smoothly your household runs today, but how your child will navigate the world for decades to come. Understanding how to nurture this connection while addressing the inevitable challenges of parenting can transform both your experience and your child's development in profound ways.
Breaking the Cycle of Past Patterns
The most powerful influence on our parenting often comes from our own childhood experiences, whether we realize it or not. These inherited patterns can emerge unexpectedly, especially during stressful moments with our children. When we react with disproportionate anger or frustration to our child's behavior, it's frequently because their actions are triggering unresolved feelings from our own past. Consider Tay, a loving mother and experienced psychotherapist who found herself furious when her seven-year-old daughter Emily called for help getting down from a climbing frame. Instead of offering assistance, Tay shouted at Emily to get down immediately, leaving her daughter confused and hurt. A week later, when faced with a similar situation, Tay chose to stand by the climbing frame and offer encouraging guidance. When Emily asked why she hadn't helped the first time, Tay realized her anger wasn't really about Emily at all—it was connected to her own childhood experiences of being overprotected and developing a lack of confidence as a result. This moment of recognition allowed Tay to repair the relationship rupture with honesty and empathy. She explained to Emily that her anger had been misdirected, coming from her own childhood rather than anything Emily had done wrong. This repair not only healed the immediate hurt but also modeled how to take responsibility and make amends. The key to breaking these inherited cycles lies in developing self-awareness about your emotional triggers. When you feel an intense reaction to your child's behavior, pause and ask yourself whether this feeling truly belongs to the present situation or if it's connected to your own childhood experiences. Create space between the trigger and your response by taking time to understand what's really happening emotionally before reacting. Remember that recognizing these patterns isn't about blaming your own parents or feeling ashamed of your reactions. It's about taking conscious control over what you pass down to the next generation, choosing to heal old wounds rather than unconsciously perpetuating them through your parenting.
Creating Safe Emotional Spaces
Children need environments where all their feelings are welcomed and understood, not just the convenient or pleasant ones. Creating emotional safety means becoming a container for your child's emotions—someone who can remain calm and supportive while they experience the full range of human feelings. This doesn't mean you have to fix every problem or eliminate all discomfort from your child's life. Lucas, a ten-year-old boy, seemed fine on the surface despite his parents' demanding work schedules and multiple childcare arrangements. His parents Annis and John believed they were providing well for him by ensuring he was always cared for, even if they couldn't always be present themselves. However, Lucas had been storing up feelings of loneliness and displacement, feeling "like Pass the Parcel" as he was moved between different caregivers. These unexpressed emotions eventually reached a crisis point when Lucas attempted to jump from a sixth-floor window. Through therapy, Lucas was able to articulate feelings he'd never been able to express before. He talked about feeling like a nuisance when he heard his parents arranging his care, and how he struggled with the constant changes in caregivers. Most importantly, he revealed that when he tried to share his feelings with his parents, they would often try to distract him or cheer him up rather than truly listening to what he was experiencing. The transformation came when Annis and John learned to validate Lucas's feelings rather than dismissing them. Instead of saying "Don't be sad, we're going to the zoo on Saturday," John learned to say "You are feeling frustrated because you don't want to stop this fun game." This shift from trying to fix feelings to witnessing and accepting them allowed Lucas to feel seen and understood. To create emotional safety, practice staying present with your child during difficult moments rather than rushing to make the feelings go away. Acknowledge what you observe without judgment, offering phrases like "You seem really disappointed" or "This feels hard for you right now." Your calm presence and acceptance of their emotional experience teaches them that all feelings are manageable and temporary.
Nurturing Authentic Communication and Play
The foundation of lasting connection lies in genuine dialogue and shared experiences that honor your child as a complete person. This means moving beyond the adult-centric approach of always directing and instructing, toward a more collaborative relationship where both you and your child influence each other. True communication involves listening with your whole attention and allowing your child's perspective to expand your own understanding. Simon discovered this principle through careful observation of his two-year-old son Ned. Rather than simply managing Ned's behavior, Simon learned to read his son's subtle cues and respond to his actual needs. At a restaurant, Simon noticed Ned's eyes glazing over during social interaction—a sign that his son needed quiet time rather than more stimulation. Instead of waiting for a meltdown, Simon took Ned outside for a peaceful moment picking daisies. This attentive response prevented a tantrum and demonstrated respect for Ned's emotional rhythms. This approach transformed not only specific difficult moments but their entire relationship dynamic. Simon found himself genuinely engaged with Ned rather than simply managing him, and Ned became more cooperative because he felt understood and respected. The investment in understanding Ned's communication style paid dividends in their daily interactions. Authentic communication begins with believing that your child has something valuable to contribute to every interaction. Practice leaving spaces in conversations for your child to respond, even if they can't speak yet. Follow their gaze and interests rather than always directing their attention to what you think is important. When conflicts arise, try to understand the feeling behind the behavior before addressing the behavior itself. Make play a priority not as a reward or distraction, but as genuine shared exploration. Join your child's games on their terms initially, then gradually step back as they become absorbed in independent activity. This pattern of engaged connection followed by supported independence builds both security and autonomy.
Summary
The journey toward building lifelong bonds with your children rests on one fundamental truth: the quality of your relationship matters more than perfect techniques or flawless execution. As this exploration reveals, children thrive when they feel genuinely seen, understood, and accepted for who they are, not just when they meet our expectations. The key insight that transforms everything is recognizing that "your children are liable to treat you in whatever manner you treat them"—meaning the respect, empathy, and authentic connection you offer will be reflected back to you throughout your lifelong relationship. Start today by choosing one moment of connection over correction, one instance of curiosity over judgment, and one opportunity to see the world through your child's eyes. These small shifts in daily interaction build the foundation for the deep, trusting relationship both you and your child deserve.
By Philippa Perry
