The Coaching Habit
Say Less, Ask More &, Change the Way You Lead Forever
Book Edition Details
Summary
"The Coaching Habit (2016) breaks down the elements of coaching and explains how to coach effectively. Contrary to what you might think, coaching isn’t about giving advice but instead about guiding employees to find their way to success. These blinks show how you too can become a great coach."
Introduction
In today's fast-paced business environment, managers find themselves trapped in exhausting cycles of constant advice-giving and problem-solving. You jump into every conversation ready with solutions, yet your team becomes increasingly dependent on you while your own workload spirals out of control. The irony is striking: the harder you work to help others, the more overwhelmed everyone becomes. What if there was a different way? What if the secret to better leadership wasn't about having all the answers, but about asking better questions? This journey toward transformational leadership begins with a simple yet profound shift: trading just a little bit of your urge to give advice for the power of genuine curiosity. When you master this art, you don't just become a better manager—you unlock potential in others while finally working less hard and achieving more meaningful impact.
Master the Art of Staying Curious
Staying curious is fundamentally about resisting your brain's natural impulse to solve, fix, and advise. Your mind, trained by years of success and promotion, automatically jumps to solution mode the moment someone shares a challenge. This "Advice Monster," as it's known, hijacks conversations before real understanding can emerge. The key lies in recognizing that your first instincts, while well-intentioned, often address symptoms rather than root causes. Consider Sarah, a marketing director who struggled with team meetings that felt rushed and superficial. Every time a team member mentioned a challenge, Sarah would immediately offer solutions, cutting short the exploration of what was really happening. One day, instead of jumping in with advice about a campaign that seemed to be failing, she simply asked, "What's really going on here for you?" The team member paused, then revealed underlying concerns about resource allocation and conflicting priorities that hadn't been addressed. This single question opened up a conversation that led to systemic changes. Sarah's transformation continued as she practiced staying curious longer in conversations. Rather than assuming she understood the problem, she began asking follow-up questions that helped her team members think more deeply. The result was remarkable: her team began bringing solutions to meetings instead of just problems, and Sarah found herself with more time to focus on strategic initiatives rather than putting out daily fires. To master curiosity, start by recognizing your advice-giving triggers. Notice the physical sensation that occurs when you're about to jump in with a solution—perhaps a slight forward lean or an intake of breath. In that moment, pause and ask yourself what you might learn if you stayed curious just a little longer. Practice the discipline of asking one more question before offering any advice. Remember that curiosity is a muscle that strengthens with use. Begin with low-stakes conversations where the outcome isn't critical. As you build confidence in the power of questions, you'll find yourself naturally becoming more curious in high-pressure situations. The goal isn't to never give advice, but to ensure that when you do, it's addressing the real challenge rather than just the presenting problem.
Seven Essential Questions for Effective Coaching
The foundation of coaching lies in having a reliable toolkit of questions that can navigate any conversation toward meaningful outcomes. These seven questions form a complete framework that addresses the full spectrum of coaching situations, from opening conversations to extracting learning. Each question serves a specific purpose and can be used independently or in combination to create powerful dialogue. The framework begins with "What's on your mind?" which cuts through small talk and agenda items to get directly to what matters most. This opening question grants people the autonomy to choose what they want to discuss while focusing the conversation on their most pressing concerns. Michael, a senior operations manager, discovered this when he started using this question in his weekly one-on-ones. Instead of working through predetermined agenda items, his conversations became more dynamic and relevant. The progression continues with "And what else?" which prevents premature problem-solving and generates better options. When Michael first started asking this follow-up question, he was surprised by how often the second or third answer was significantly more insightful than the first. His team member Jake initially mentioned concerns about a vendor relationship, but after being asked "And what else?" twice, revealed deeper worries about the team's capacity to handle multiple projects simultaneously. The sequence builds toward "What's the real challenge here for you?" which cuts through complexity to identify the core issue that needs attention. In Jake's case, this question helped him realize that the vendor issue was actually a symptom of inadequate project planning processes. The remaining questions in the framework address commitment, support, strategic thinking, and learning extraction, creating a comprehensive approach to meaningful conversation. To implement these questions effectively, practice them in sequence during less critical conversations. Start with just one or two questions and gradually build your comfort with the complete framework. Pay attention to how each question shifts the energy and direction of your conversations, noting which ones feel most natural for your communication style.
Build Lasting Habits That Drive Results
Creating sustainable change in your leadership approach requires more than good intentions—it demands a systematic approach to habit formation. The most effective way to transform your coaching skills is through the New Habit Formula: identifying specific triggers, replacing old patterns with new behaviors, and practicing consistently until the new approach becomes automatic. This process acknowledges that changing ingrained management behaviors is challenging but entirely achievable with the right structure. The New Habit Formula works by linking new behaviors to existing triggers in your workday. Lisa, a department head at a technology company, struggled with jumping into advice-giving mode whenever team members approached her with problems. She identified her trigger as the moment someone said, "I have a problem with..." Instead of immediately asking for details so she could solve it, she practiced responding with, "What's on your mind?" This simple substitution transformed her interactions from advice-giving sessions into coaching conversations. Lisa's success accelerated when she applied the principle of starting small. Rather than trying to change every interaction immediately, she focused on implementing just one question in her Tuesday team meetings. After three weeks of consistent practice, asking "What's on your mind?" felt natural and automatic. She then expanded to one-on-one conversations, then email responses, gradually building a comprehensive coaching habit across all her communication channels. The key to lasting change lies in the practice of "failing forward." Lisa didn't succeed immediately—she caught herself giving advice multiple times during her first week. However, instead of abandoning her efforts, she used these moments as learning opportunities, asking herself what triggered the old behavior and how she could catch it earlier next time. This self-compassion combined with persistent practice proved essential for long-term success. To build your own coaching habits, start by selecting one question that resonates most with your current challenges. Identify the specific trigger moments when you'll practice this question, such as the beginning of team meetings or when someone emails you for advice. Practice the question in low-stakes situations first, celebrating small wins and learning from setbacks. Remember that building a coaching habit is not about perfection—it's about progress and gradual transformation of your leadership approach.
Summary
The transformation from advice-giver to coach represents one of the most significant shifts you can make as a leader. As this exploration has shown, the power lies not in having all the answers, but in asking the right questions at the right moments. The seven essential questions provide you with a practical toolkit that works across every type of conversation, while the habit-building framework ensures that these new skills become a natural part of your leadership style. Remember that "the change of behaviour at the heart of what this book is about is this: a little more asking people questions and a little less telling people what to do." Start tomorrow by choosing just one question that resonates with you, identify a specific trigger moment in your workday, and practice asking instead of telling. Your journey toward more effective, less exhausting leadership begins with this single act of curiosity—and the ripple effects will transform not just your own experience, but the growth and engagement of everyone you lead.
By Michael Bungay Stanier
