The Gap and the Gain
The High Achievers' Guide to Happiness, Confidence, and Success
byBenjamin P. Hardy, Dan Sullivan
Book Edition Details
Summary
"The Gap and the Gain (2021) is a guide to finding happiness and fulfillment inside yourself, instead of constantly hunting for external affirmation. By learning to define your own standards of success, and by measuring your achievement backward, you’ll appreciate how much progress you’ve actually made, and experience renewed motivation in every area of your life."
Introduction
Imagine waking up each morning feeling genuinely excited about your life, deeply appreciating how far you've come, and approaching challenges with unshakeable confidence. Most of us, however, find ourselves trapped in a cycle of perpetual dissatisfaction, always measuring our progress against an impossible ideal that keeps moving further away. This invisible mental trap affects everyone from high-achieving entrepreneurs to everyday individuals striving for a better life. The problem isn't our circumstances or lack of effort—it's how we measure our progress. When we constantly compare our current reality to where we think we should be, we rob ourselves of happiness, confidence, and the very fuel we need to keep growing. But there's a profound shift in perspective that can transform everything: learning to measure backward instead of forward, focusing on gains instead of gaps, and discovering that happiness isn't a destination to pursue but a starting point to expand from.
Stop Measuring Against Ideals: From Need to Want
The fundamental difference between thriving and merely surviving lies in understanding the distinction between wants and needs. When you operate from a place of need, you create an unhealthy attachment to external outcomes that must be achieved for you to feel worthy or complete. This desperate energy actually repels the very things you're trying to attract, creating a vicious cycle of striving and disappointment. Consider the story of Dan Jansen, the legendary speed skater who dominated his sport for years but seemed cursed in Olympic competition. For three Olympic Games, Jansen entered each race desperately needing to win the gold medal to prove his worth and fulfill what he believed was his destiny. This need created tremendous pressure and anxiety that inevitably led to mistakes at crucial moments. But before his final Olympic race, Jansen had a breakthrough realization. Instead of focusing on what he needed to achieve, he reflected on everything he had already gained from his skating career. He thought about his coaches who had invested in him, his family who supported him, and the pure joy he had experienced from the sport itself. In that moment, he shifted from needing the gold medal to simply wanting to express his gratitude through one final performance. This shift in perspective was transformative. Jansen skated that final race with a smile on his face, completely present and flowing with joy rather than fighting against fear and pressure. He not only won the gold medal but also broke the world record. The victory came not because he needed it more, but because he had freed himself from the need entirely. The practical application of this principle starts with examining your own motivations. When you catch yourself using language like "I have to" or "I need to," pause and ask yourself what you're really trying to control or prove. Then consciously reframe the situation in terms of what you want to create or experience. Practice letting go of timelines and expectations while maintaining your commitment to growth and excellence. This doesn't mean becoming passive, but rather approaching your goals from a place of inspiration rather than desperation. Remember that wanting something allows you to remain detached from the outcome while still being fully committed to the process. This paradoxical approach actually increases your chances of success while ensuring that your sense of worth and happiness aren't held hostage by external circumstances.
Define Your Own Success: Become Self-Determined
True freedom comes from becoming the author of your own success criteria rather than accepting the definitions imposed by society, family, or cultural expectations. Most people spend their entire lives chasing goals that were never truly their own, measuring themselves against external standards that shift and change based on trends, comparisons, and other people's opinions. The story of Dean Jackson, a successful marketing entrepreneur, illustrates this perfectly. Twenty years ago, Dean realized he had been caught in the trap of defining success as a future destination—"I'll be successful when I reach this income level" or "when I achieve that milestone." This approach kept happiness perpetually out of reach because the goalposts kept moving. Dean decided to flip the question entirely, asking himself "I know I'm being successful when..." and created a list of ten specific criteria that reflected his actual values and desires. His list included items like "I can wake up every day and ask 'What would I like to do today?'" and "I wear my watch for curiosity only" and "There are no whiny people in my life." This list became Dean's personal compass for making decisions. When opportunities arose, he would evaluate them against his success criteria rather than external metrics like money or prestige. If an opportunity conflicted with his criteria, he would decline it regardless of how lucrative it might be. This approach allowed him to build a life that was genuinely fulfilling rather than impressive to others. Creating your own success criteria requires honest self-reflection and the courage to honor what truly matters to you. Start by writing your own "I know I'm being successful when..." list, focusing on how you want to feel and what kind of life you want to live rather than what you want to achieve or accumulate. Make your criteria specific and measurable so you can recognize when they're being met. Use this list as a filter for decisions, saying no to opportunities that don't align with your personal definition of success. The key is to make your success criteria internal rather than comparative. Instead of measuring yourself against others or against societal standards, you're measuring yourself against your own values and vision for your life. This shift creates immediate empowerment because you're no longer dependent on external validation or circumstances beyond your control.
Always Measure Backward: Track Your Progress Daily
The secret to sustainable confidence and motivation lies in consistently measuring your progress backward from where you started rather than forward toward where you think you should be. This simple shift in perspective transforms every experience into evidence of your growth and capability. Physical therapist Jill Bishop discovered this principle while working with children who have severe developmental disabilities. She works with children like Rosie, who has a rare brain condition called lissencephaly, which doctors said would prevent her from learning or developing normally. When Jill focuses on Rosie's limitations or compares her to typical developmental milestones, progress seems impossible and the work feels overwhelming. However, when Jill reviews Rosie's progress from a year ago, she's amazed by the transformation. Rosie went from being unable to walk on grass to confidently navigating various terrains. Jill makes it a practice to regularly call parents and remind them of where their children started. These conversations often bring parents to tears as they realize how much progress their children have made. The parents had become so focused on current challenges and future goals that they had forgotten the remarkable journey already completed. This backward measurement doesn't just boost morale—it provides the hope and motivation necessary to continue the demanding work of special needs care. The practical application begins with creating regular review periods to measure your gains. Set aside time weekly or monthly to look back and document specific progress you've made. Focus on concrete achievements, skills developed, obstacles overcome, and lessons learned rather than vague generalities. Write these down to make them tangible and create a record you can reference when you're feeling discouraged. Develop the habit of celebrating small wins and incremental progress rather than waiting for major milestones. Train yourself to ask "How far have I come?" instead of "How far do I have to go?" when evaluating your situation. This shift in measurement creates a continuous source of motivation and confidence because you're always finding evidence of your capability and growth.
Transform Every Experience: Turn Setbacks into Gains
The most powerful skill you can develop is the ability to transform any experience, no matter how challenging or painful, into a source of learning, strength, and wisdom. This isn't about positive thinking or pretending difficulties don't matter—it's about taking complete ownership of the meaning you assign to your experiences. Howard Getson learned this lesson dramatically when he lost over two million dollars in a single day during the 2008 financial crisis. His initial response was devastation and self-blame, but within 24 hours he had a crucial insight. While it was the worst day in the market for him, it wasn't universally bad—many people actually profited from those same market conditions. This realization led him to examine why his trading systems had failed so spectacularly. He discovered that his risk management rules, designed to prevent any system from losing more than 20%, had actually eliminated the very systems that would have thrived in crisis conditions. Rather than remaining bitter about his losses, Getson used the experience to completely redesign his approach. He developed artificial intelligence systems that could rapidly adapt to changing market conditions instead of trying to create one system that worked in all environments. This transformation of a devastating experience into valuable learning became the foundation for his subsequent success. He now measures success not by avoiding losses but by how quickly he can adapt to change. The process of transforming experiences begins with asking different questions when faced with challenges. Instead of "Why did this happen to me?" ask "What can I learn from this?" and "How can I use this experience to become stronger or wiser?" Look for the skills, insights, or resilience you're developing through difficult situations. Practice deliberate rumination by actively reflecting on challenging experiences and consciously choosing empowering interpretations. Write about your experiences, focusing on growth and learning rather than blame or victimization. Share your transformed stories with others to reinforce the positive meaning you've created. Remember that the goal isn't to enjoy painful experiences but to ensure that you extract maximum value from everything that happens to you. This approach makes you antifragile—someone who gets stronger rather than weaker when exposed to stress and challenges.
Summary
The journey from measuring gaps to celebrating gains represents one of the most profound shifts you can make in your relationship with yourself and your life. As the wisdom within these pages reveals, "The only way to measure the distance you've traveled is by measuring from where you are back to the point where you started." This backward measurement transforms every day into evidence of your progress and every experience into fuel for your continued growth. When you stop chasing happiness as a future destination and start recognizing it as your natural state to be expanded, you discover that confidence, motivation, and joy aren't scarce resources to be earned but abundant qualities to be cultivated. The most powerful action you can take right now is to write down three specific gains you've made in the past week, no matter how small they might seem, and begin the daily practice of measuring backward rather than forward. Your future self will thank you for this gift of appreciation and the unstoppable momentum it creates.
By Benjamin P. Hardy
