Conversations Worth Having
Using Appreciative Inquiry to Fuel Productive and Meaningful Engagement
byJackie Stavros, Cheri Torres, David L. Cooperrider
Book Edition Details
Summary
"Conversations Worth Having (2018) looks at the power of conversation in our lives and what we can do to communicate more productively at work, in our relationships, and in the community. Drawing on real-life stories and scientifically based theories, it illustrates how we can improve organizations and lives using the principle of Appreciative Inquiry – effective conversation through positive perspective and asking the right questions."
Introduction
Every day, we navigate countless conversations—with colleagues, family members, friends, and even ourselves. Yet how often do these exchanges leave us feeling energized, connected, and moving toward something meaningful? Too often, our interactions drain energy, create friction, or simply waste precious time without producing any real progress. The difference between conversations that deplete us and those that elevate us lies not in the topics we discuss, but in how we approach them. When we learn to ask the right questions and frame our discussions positively, we unlock the potential to transform any interaction into one that strengthens relationships, sparks creativity, and generates real results. This transformation begins with understanding that we have far more control over the quality of our conversations than we might imagine.
Tune In: Master Your Body-Mindset for Intentional Conversations
The foundation of meaningful dialogue starts before we even open our mouths. Our internal state—our body-mindset—drives every conversation we enter, often without our conscious awareness. This invisible force includes our physical condition, emotional state, assumptions, and expectations, all working beneath the surface to shape how we perceive and respond to others. Jake's experience illustrates this perfectly. After weeks of poor sleep, dehydration, and mounting work pressure, he snapped at his colleague Sandy when she asked a simple question about project statistics. His reaction had nothing to do with Sandy or her request—it was his below-the-line body-mindset driving the interaction. In contrast, when Timmy came home upset after being embarrassed at school, his mother recognized both his distressed state and her own potential for reacting poorly. She paused, took a deep breath, and asked with genuine concern, "What's going on?" This simple act of tuning in transformed what could have been a destructive exchange into a caring conversation. The practice of tuning in involves three essential steps: pause, breathe, and get curious. Pausing stops the current momentum and creates space for awareness. Deep breathing activates our parasympathetic nervous system, shifting us from a reactive state to a responsive one. Getting curious opens our minds to possibilities beyond our immediate assumptions and reactions. This process moves us from being driven by unconscious forces to consciously choosing our responses. To develop this skill, start by regularly checking in with yourself throughout the day. Ask yourself: "Where am I right now—above the line feeling connected and creative, or below the line feeling defensive and reactive?" Notice what physical sensations, thoughts, or emotions you're experiencing. Practice the pause-breathe-get curious sequence before entering important conversations or when you feel triggered during an interaction.
Ask Generative Questions: Unlock Potential Through Appreciative Inquiry
Generative questions possess the remarkable power to change the direction of any conversation by shifting our focus from problems to possibilities. Unlike typical problem-solving questions that ask "What's wrong?" or "Why did this happen?", generative questions invite discovery, understanding, and creativity. They make the invisible visible, create shared understanding, generate new knowledge, and inspire fresh possibilities. Gabriela discovered this power during a reception conversation with a university provost who was complaining about faculty resistance to a new learning management system. Initially, she found herself asking depreciative questions that kept the critical conversation going: "That's pretty typical of faculty, isn't it?" and "Why are they always so resistant to anything new?" Recognizing her mistake, she decided to test a different approach. When the provost paused, she asked, "Are there any faculty who are on board with what you are trying to do?" The transformation was instant—the provost's entire demeanor changed, he stood taller, smiled, and enthusiastically described all the successes happening in the College of Management. Jerry Sternin's work with childhood malnutrition in Vietnam demonstrates generative questioning at scale. Faced with six months to make a difference, he challenged conventional problem-solving by asking, "I wonder if there are families where the children are thriving?" This question led him to discover that some poor families had healthy, well-nourished children. Further inquiry revealed that these families fed their children four smaller meals instead of two large ones, included protein-rich foods like small shrimp and crabs, and continued feeding children even when sick. These positive deviations became the foundation for a community-wide solution. To practice generative questioning, begin by examining your focus of attention. Are you curious about what's working, what's possible, and what people's experiences really are? Start with questions that make the invisible visible: "What don't we know that might be important here?" Move to creating shared understanding: "How do others experience this situation?" Generate new knowledge by asking: "Where is this already working well, and what can we learn from that?" Finally, inspire possibilities: "What would have to be true for this to work beautifully for everyone involved?" Remember that generative questions flow naturally when we approach conversations with genuine curiosity rather than predetermined agendas or solutions.
Frame Positively: Create Uplifting Conversations That Inspire Action
Positive framing transforms conversations by directing attention toward desired outcomes rather than dwelling on problems. This practice doesn't ignore challenges or difficulties—instead, it focuses energy on where we want to go and what we want to create together. The frame we choose determines whether people feel invited to engage or compelled to defend themselves. Mark's experience with his employee Melissa illustrates this principle beautifully. Initially, he planned to address her tardiness and missed deadlines directly: "We have a problem; you are always late and miss deadlines. You have to change." Recognizing this would create a critical conversation, he reframed using the flipping technique. He identified the core issue: Melissa's tardiness and missed deadlines. He flipped this to the positive opposite: Melissa being routinely on time and meeting deadlines. Finally, he framed the desired outcome: "We are a high-performing team with strong cohesion, improved performance, and solid trust and collaboration." When Mark met with Melissa, he began with this positive frame: "I want to ensure that we have a strong team grounded in trust, responsiveness, mutual respect, and cohesion because I think it will allow us to be remarkably successful together." This approach opened space for genuine dialogue. Melissa revealed that Wednesday morning meetings conflicted with her childcare schedule, and that unrealistic deadlines were often set without her input. The conversation became collaborative problem-solving rather than defensive justification. To practice positive framing, use the three-step flipping process. First, name the problem or challenge clearly. Next, flip it to identify the positive opposite—what you would see if the problem were resolved. Finally, frame the broader positive impact: What would be the meaningful outcome if this positive opposite were true? Always ensure your frame will inspire engagement from everyone involved, not just advance your own agenda. Check that your positive frame actually addresses the original issue and creates space for collaborative solution-finding rather than simply advocacy for predetermined solutions.
Scale Up: Build High-Performance Teams Through Strategic Dialogue
The principles that make individual conversations meaningful can be systematically applied to transform entire teams, organizations, and communities through the Appreciative Inquiry 5-D Cycle. This structured methodology—Define, Discover, Dream, Design, and Deploy—enables groups of any size to engage in strategic conversations that align purpose, leverage strengths, and create shared commitment to action. Erich's leadership of the German automotive supplier's new Technology Center in Michigan demonstrates this scaling perfectly. Faced with transplanted teams working in silos, newly hired American employees struggling to find their place, and no clear direction from headquarters, Erich chose to unite all thirty-four employees in creating their own mission, vision, and strategic plan. Rather than waiting for corporate instructions, he engaged everyone in conversations worth having about their shared future. The Define phase focused their inquiry on becoming "a high-performing center with one dynamic team, one vision, one shared mission, and a shared strategic plan." They crafted interview questions designed to surface high-point experiences, core values, organizational strengths, and aspirations for the future. During Discover, employees interviewed each other across departmental lines, sharing stories that revealed their positive core: values of dedication, flexibility, creativity, innovation, team spirit, and continuous communication, along with strengths in adaptability, customer dedication, strong product expertise, and top-notch employees. In the Dream phase, small groups created visual presentations and written vision statements, ultimately converging on their shared aspiration: "To be the global leader providing best-in-class engineering solutions with exceptional customer service that exceeds our customers' expectations on time." The Design phase generated specific prototypes, including a new sales call protocol bridging all teams and an innovative process for bringing potential clients to see their capabilities firsthand. Within ninety days of implementing their Deploy phase action plans, the center showed improved productivity, sales, and communications, with morale at an all-time high. The key to their success was Gerard's recognition that "the people and their conversations are the organization"—that real change happens when everyone takes responsibility for co-creating their shared future through meaningful dialogue. To implement strategic conversations in your context, start by bringing together representatives from different areas to form a core planning team, use positive framing to define your inquiry focus, and design questions that will surface the best of what already exists while inspiring images of what's possible.
Summary
The quality of our conversations determines the quality of our relationships, our work, and ultimately our lives. Every interaction we have is an opportunity to strengthen connections, generate new possibilities, and move toward outcomes that serve everyone involved. As we've seen throughout these pages, "We live in worlds our conversations create"—and this means we have tremendous power to shape our reality through the simple choice to ask generative questions and frame our discussions positively. The transformation begins the moment we tune into our own state, pause to breathe, and approach others with genuine curiosity rather than judgment. Whether we're addressing performance issues with a colleague, working through family challenges, or engaging entire organizations in strategic planning, these practices unlock human potential and create the conditions for everyone to thrive. Start today by choosing just one conversation where you'll pause, ask a generative question, and notice what shifts when you focus on possibilities rather than problems.
By Jackie Stavros
