Getting to Zero
How to Work Through Conflict in Your High-Stakes Relationships
Book Edition Details
Summary
Relationships teetering on the brink of collapse often hinge on one critical skill: navigating the stormy seas of conflict together. Jayson Gaddis, a maestro in the art of conflict resolution, unveils the secret to transforming fear-laden disputes into stepping stones for deeper connection. In "Getting to Zero," Gaddis invites readers into a realm where conflict becomes not a threat, but an opportunity for clarity and growth. With a blend of humor, relatable anecdotes, and practical guidance, he demystifies the journey to achieving 'zero'—a place of peaceful resolution and renewed harmony. This isn't just a guide; it's a lifeline for those entangled in the intricate dance of human relationships, offering a fresh, accessible approach to turning discord into understanding and acceptance.
Introduction
We live in a world where most people would rather scroll through their phones than face an uncomfortable conversation with someone they love. Yet the very conflicts we avoid are the ones that hold the greatest potential for deeper connection and personal growth. Every relationship that matters to you contains moments of disconnection—those heated arguments, cold silences, and unspoken resentments that leave you feeling isolated and misunderstood. But what if these challenging moments weren't obstacles to overcome, but rather doorways to authentic intimacy? The truth is that conflict isn't the enemy of good relationships; it's the pathway to extraordinary ones. When you learn to navigate these difficult conversations with skill and presence, something remarkable happens: you don't just resolve problems, you create profound understanding. The journey from disconnection back to connection isn't just possible—it's transformational.
Understanding Conflict as Growth Opportunity
Conflict is simply a rupture, disconnection, or unresolved issue between two people or inside yourself. Rather than viewing it as something dangerous to avoid, conflict becomes a powerful teacher that reveals exactly where growth is needed. The goal isn't to eliminate conflict from your relationships, but to master the art of repair and reconnection. Sarah had spent twelve years married to a man who would shut down whenever she tried to discuss their relationship challenges. Every time she brought up her need for more connection, he would retreat to his workshop for days, leaving her feeling abandoned and hopeless. She found herself walking on eggshells, slowly losing pieces of herself to keep the peace. Sarah had fallen into the trap of believing that avoiding conflict would preserve her marriage, but instead it was slowly killing her soul. When Sarah finally learned to see conflict as information rather than threat, everything shifted. She realized that her husband's withdrawal wasn't a sign that their marriage was doomed—it was simply his scared animal protecting itself the only way it knew how. By approaching their disconnections with curiosity instead of criticism, Sarah created space for both of them to heal. Her husband eventually opened up about his own childhood fears of emotional overwhelm, and together they built a bridge across the chasm that had separated them for years. Start by examining your current relationship with conflict. Notice where you tend to blame, avoid, or collapse when tensions arise. Practice viewing these moments as invitations to understand yourself and others more deeply. Remember that the couples who learn to fight well don't fight less—they reconnect faster and emerge stronger each time.
Master Your Inner Response During Disputes
Your nervous system is designed to protect you from perceived threats, but during relationship conflicts, this ancient alarm system often treats a raised voice or critical comment as if it were a charging tiger. When you feel triggered, your rational thinking goes offline and you operate from what we call the "scared animal"—that reactive part of you that wants to fight, flee, freeze, or collapse. Marcus had always prided himself on being level-headed, but whenever his business partner questioned his decisions, something primitive would take over. His heart would race, his jaw would clench, and words would fly out of his mouth that he'd later regret. During one heated budget meeting, Marcus watched himself transform into someone he didn't recognize—defensive, attacking, and completely disconnected from his usual collaborative nature. Afterward, sitting alone in his office, he felt ashamed and confused about what had just happened. Learning the NESTR meditation changed everything for Marcus. When he felt that familiar surge of activation, instead of immediately reacting, he would pause and internally scan: What number am I on the trigger scale from zero to ten? What emotion am I feeling? What sensations are present in my body? What thoughts are racing through my mind? Where can I find a resource of calm within myself? This simple practice helped Marcus stay in the driver's seat of his reactions rather than being hijacked by his scared animal. The next time you feel triggered, resist the urge to immediately respond. Take three deep breaths and ask yourself these questions. Practice expanding your tolerance for uncomfortable emotions by simply being present with them rather than trying to make them go away. Remember that learning to regulate yourself is the greatest gift you can give to any relationship.
Essential Skills for Listening and Speaking
True listening happens when you commit to understanding the other person so completely that they feel seen and heard. This goes far beyond waiting for your turn to talk or preparing your defense. The LUFU process—Listen Until they Feel Understood—creates the safety necessary for authentic connection to emerge. When Rachel and Tom first came to couples therapy, their conversations were like two people having separate monologues in the same room. Rachel would share her frustrations about feeling unsupported, while Tom would internally prepare his list of everything he'd done for the family that week. Neither felt heard, and their conflicts would spiral into blame and hurt feelings. Tom genuinely believed he was listening because he was physically present and nodding at appropriate moments. Everything changed when Tom learned to reflect back what Rachel was actually saying rather than formulating his response. Instead of defending himself when Rachel expressed feeling lonely, Tom learned to say, "It sounds like you feel disconnected from me and that's painful for you. Is that right?" Rachel's shoulders would visibly relax when she felt truly understood. Once she felt heard, she naturally became more curious about Tom's experience rather than more critical. When speaking during conflict, lead with ownership rather than blame. Replace "You always" with "My part in this is." Use the SHORE process: Set context, Own your part, empathize with their experience, Validate their feelings, Share the impact their behavior has on you, make a Reasonable request, discuss Lessons learned, and collaborate on solutions. Practice these skills in low-stakes conversations first so they become natural when emotions run high.
Building Lasting Agreements and Boundaries
Agreements are the guardrails that keep relationships safe when emotions run high. They're not rules designed to control behavior, but rather conscious choices made by two people who want to navigate conflict in ways that strengthen rather than damage their connection. When you create agreements ahead of time, you give your relationship a roadmap for getting back to safety after any storm. Jennifer and Alex used to get trapped in brutal three-day fights that would escalate through text messages, social media comments, and involving friends as referees. Each conflict would leave them more distant and less trusting. They felt like they were living in an emotional war zone with no rules of engagement. Finally, after one particularly devastating fight that nearly ended their relationship, they decided something had to change. Together, they created twelve simple agreements: to stay in relationship during conflict rather than threatening to leave, to avoid discussing serious issues over text, to take breaks when emotions got too intense, and to make growth and learning their shared priority. The next time tension arose, instead of spiraling into their usual pattern, Alex was able to say, "I'm feeling triggered and need to pause. Can we revisit this in two hours?" Jennifer, instead of feeling abandoned, remembered their agreement and used the time to regulate her own emotions. Start with one or two agreements that address your relationship's most common pain points. Make them specific and mutually beneficial. For example, "We agree to make eye contact during difficult conversations" or "We agree that the most resourced person will initiate repair after any conflict." Review and adjust these agreements regularly as you both grow and learn.
Summary
The path from conflict to connection isn't about avoiding disagreements or pretending everything is fine when it's not. It's about developing the courage to face difficult moments with presence, skill, and an open heart. As the research clearly shows, "the crux of good, strong, long-lasting relationships is not the absence of conflict but the ability and willingness to work through it." Every disconnection contains within it the seed of deeper intimacy, but only if you're willing to do the sacred work of repair and reconnection. Your relationships are waiting for you to show up fully—not as a perfect person who never makes mistakes, but as someone committed to growth, understanding, and love in action. Start today by choosing one person in your life with whom you're ready to practice these tools. Have that conversation you've been avoiding, listen with your whole being, and watch as conflict transforms into the very connection your heart has been longing for.
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