How to Do the Work
Recognize Your Patterns, Heal from Your Past, and Create Your Self
Book Edition Details
Summary
"How to Do the Work (2021) is a hands-on guide to healing our bodies and minds by recognizing the interconnectedness of physical, psychological, and spiritual health. It offers tools to tackle past trauma, change how we eat and exercise, and engage in mindfulness to transform our relationships and overall well-being."
Introduction
Picture a successful psychologist, living what appears to be a perfect life, suddenly finding herself sobbing uncontrollably into a bowl of oatmeal in a remote cabin. This moment of complete breakdown became the catalyst for a revolutionary understanding of healing that would transform millions of lives worldwide. The woman at that breakfast table had achieved everything society deemed successful—a thriving practice, loving relationships, financial stability—yet felt utterly disconnected from herself and trapped in patterns she couldn't break. This raw moment of truth reveals what countless people experience daily: the feeling of being stuck despite having all the tools that should work. Traditional psychology, with its focus on managing symptoms rather than addressing root causes, often leaves us circling the same problems without real resolution. But what if the key to transformation lies not in endless analysis of our thoughts, but in understanding the profound connection between our minds, bodies, and spirits? This book emerges from that pivotal realization that healing requires a completely different approach—one that honors the whole person rather than treating isolated symptoms. Through personal stories interwoven with groundbreaking research, we discover that our bodies hold the wisdom we need, that our childhood experiences live in our cells, and that true healing happens when we learn to listen to the intelligence within us. The journey ahead offers practical tools for anyone ready to move beyond merely coping with life to actively creating the person they were meant to become.
The Dark Night of the Soul: Breaking Free from Unconscious Patterns
The breakdown came without warning during what should have been a peaceful retreat. While reading about emotionally unavailable mothers, something deep within began to crack open. The tears that followed weren't just sadness—they were the eruption of a soul that had been silenced for decades. This moment of complete emotional collapse became the doorway to understanding how we live most of our lives on autopilot, repeating patterns that don't serve us while wondering why nothing ever changes. For years, the signs had been accumulating like gathering storm clouds. Brain fog so thick that words would disappear mid-sentence during therapy sessions with clients. Fainting spells that seemed to come from nowhere. Chronic digestive issues that no amount of medical intervention could resolve. These weren't random health problems but desperate messages from a body and mind crying out for attention. The professional success and loving relationship couldn't mask the fundamental disconnection from authentic self that was literally making life unbearable. The revelation that followed was both devastating and liberating: most of us are living as strangers to ourselves. We've learned to function in ways that meet external expectations while our true needs remain unrecognized and unmet. The perfectionism, the people-pleasing, the constant busyness—all of it was elaborate armor protecting a wounded inner child who had never learned that being authentic was safe. This recognition marked the beginning of understanding that healing isn't about fixing what's broken, but about returning to who we were before the world taught us to be someone else. The path forward required nothing less than a complete reimagining of what it means to be human. Every assumption about health, relationships, and success needed to be questioned. This wasn't about adding more self-help strategies to an already overwhelming routine, but about stripping away everything that wasn't genuinely aligned with inner truth. The dark night of the soul, terrifying as it was, became the birthplace of a new way of living that honors the profound wisdom of the body-mind connection.
Understanding Trauma and the Body's Wisdom: Beyond Traditional Psychology
Consider Marcus, a high-achieving executive who seemed to have it all together. Outwardly successful and confident, he secretly battled crippling anxiety and a sense that he was constantly performing a role rather than living his authentic life. Traditional therapy helped him understand his patterns intellectually, but nothing seemed to create lasting change. It wasn't until he began exploring how childhood experiences had literally shaped his nervous system that real transformation became possible. Marcus's story reveals a crucial truth that mainstream psychology often misses: trauma isn't just stored in our memories, but in our very cells. His perfectionism and need for control weren't character flaws to be managed, but intelligent adaptations his nervous system had created to help a vulnerable child survive in an unpredictable environment. The constant state of hypervigilance that served him as a child was now sabotaging his adult relationships and health, keeping his body in a perpetual state of emergency. The breakthrough came when Marcus learned to listen to his body's signals rather than trying to think his way out of anxiety. His racing heart wasn't an enemy to be conquered but a messenger providing valuable information about his internal state. Through practices that helped regulate his nervous system—breathwork, movement, and mindful attention to physical sensations—he began to experience the safety his body had never learned to feel. This wasn't about positive thinking or willpower, but about creating new neural pathways through embodied experience. What Marcus discovered revolutionizes our understanding of healing: the body keeps the score of every experience, and it also holds the key to transformation. When we learn to work with our nervous system rather than against it, we can literally rewire our responses to life. This approach doesn't dismiss the importance of understanding our thoughts and emotions, but recognizes that lasting change must include the wisdom of the body that has been protecting us all along.
Meeting Your Inner Child: Ego Stories and Authentic Self-Discovery
Sarah, a successful artist, found herself repeatedly sabotaging promising relationships just as they began to deepen. She would create drama, pick fights over minor issues, or simply disappear emotionally, leaving partners confused and hurt. Intellectually, she knew these patterns were destructive, but she felt powerless to change them. The breakthrough came when she began to recognize these behaviors as the desperate actions of a wounded child within her who had learned that abandonment was inevitable. Through patient inner work, Sarah discovered that her seven-year-old self had concluded during her parents' bitter divorce that love always ends in pain and betrayal. This terrified inner child had spent decades orchestrating the very abandonment she feared, choosing to leave first rather than risk being left behind. The adult Sarah had been trying to solve the problem with logic and willpower, never realizing that healing required compassion for the scared child who was actually driving these destructive patterns. The transformation began when Sarah started having conscious conversations with this inner child, acknowledging her fears and offering the comfort she had never received. Instead of berating herself for self-sabotage, she learned to recognize when her child-self was activated and respond with the nurturing presence she had always needed. This wasn't about blame or dwelling in the past, but about integrating the wounded parts of herself with loving awareness. As Sarah developed this relationship with her inner child, her external relationships began to transform naturally. The desperate need for control relaxed when she finally felt heard and understood from within. She discovered that the very sensitivity that had been labeled as "too much" was actually her superpower—a deep capacity for empathy and creativity that flourished when no longer filtered through childhood trauma. The ego stories that had once protected her became transparent, revealing the authentic self who had been waiting patiently beneath the fear.
Building Authentic Relationships: From Trauma Bonds to Interdependence
James and Maria appeared to have a passionate, deeply connected marriage, but their relationship was actually built on a foundation of mutual emotional wounding. Their intense highs and devastating lows weren't signs of great love but of trauma bonding—each partner unconsciously recreating the familiar chaos of their childhood families. Their fights were epic, their reconciliations euphoric, and both were exhausted by the constant drama they couldn't seem to escape. The pattern became clear when they learned about attachment styles and nervous system activation. James, who had grown up with an alcoholic father, would shut down emotionally whenever conflict arose, triggering Maria's abandonment wounds from being emotionally neglected as a child. Her resulting pursuit and criticism would send James further into withdrawal, creating a destructive cycle that felt impossible to break. They weren't choosing each other from love but from the magnetic pull of familiar dysfunction. Recovery required each partner to do their own individual healing work before they could create a healthy relationship together. James learned to stay present during conflict instead of disappearing into emotional shutdown. Maria developed the ability to self-soothe instead of seeking reassurance through pursuit and control. Most importantly, both learned to recognize when they were reacting from childhood wounds rather than responding to present reality. The relationship that emerged from this work looked completely different from their original connection. Gone were the dramatic highs and lows, replaced by a steady foundation of mutual respect and authentic communication. They discovered that real intimacy isn't about losing yourself in another person but about maintaining your own center while choosing to share life together. This interdependent love allowed both partners to grow and evolve while supporting each other's journey toward wholeness.
Summary
Through the raw honesty of personal transformation stories, this book reveals that healing isn't about fixing what's broken but about returning to our essential wholeness. The journey from unconscious patterns to authentic living requires courage to face our deepest wounds while developing the practical skills to regulate our nervous systems and nurture our inner child. True change happens not through willpower alone but through the integration of body, mind, and spirit working in harmony. The most profound insight emerging from these stories is that our struggles aren't personal failures but intelligent adaptations to challenging circumstances. When we learn to see our symptoms as messengers rather than enemies, we discover that our bodies hold incredible wisdom for healing and transformation. The path forward involves developing a loving relationship with all parts of ourselves, including the wounded child within who has been trying to protect us through patterns that no longer serve our adult lives. Perhaps most importantly, this work reminds us that healing is not a destination but an ongoing practice of choosing authenticity over comfort, truth over familiar lies, and conscious response over automatic reaction. As we learn to live from our authentic center, we naturally create the relationships and life experiences that reflect our deepest values and desires. The ripple effects extend far beyond our individual healing, contributing to the collective awakening that our world desperately needs.
By Nicole LePera
