Love Worth Making
How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship
Book Edition Details
Summary
"Love Worth Making (2018) is a guide to enhancing sex and intimacy within committed partnerships. Drawing from real-life examples of sex and couples therapy sessions, it shows how both daily life and trauma affect our sexual feelings. It takes an emotional approach to untangling sexual problems and offers ideas on maintaining an erotic climate in a relationship."
Introduction
Why do so many couples who once felt electrically attracted to each other gradually lose their passion over time? Why does sexual desire seem to evaporate precisely when we need it most in committed relationships? These questions point to a fundamental misunderstanding about the nature of human sexuality itself. Rather than viewing sex as merely a biological function or a set of techniques to master, this work introduces a revolutionary framework centered on what can be called the "sexual self" - an emotional and psychological entity that operates by its own distinct rules and requires its own form of care and understanding. This approach shifts focus from performance-based sexuality to acceptance-based intimacy, from goal-oriented encounters to presence-centered connection. The theoretical foundation rests on the principle that sexual fulfillment emerges not from trying harder or learning more techniques, but from creating the emotional conditions that allow our deepest erotic nature to flourish. This framework addresses core questions about desire, arousal, gender dynamics, and long-term intimacy through the lens of psychological acceptance rather than mechanical optimization.
The Sexual Self: Rules of Arousal and Desire
The sexual self operates as a distinct psychological entity with its own intelligence, honesty, and requirements for flourishing. Unlike our rational adult mind that can be reasoned with and directed, the sexual self resembles an intuitive child that responds primarily to emotional safety, acceptance, and authentic connection. This inner sexual being communicates through physical arousal and desire, but its language is limited to simple signals of "yes" or "no" rather than complex negotiations. The sexual self follows predictable patterns when genuinely aroused. True arousal creates a natural regression to a more primitive state characterized by absorption, distraction, and a temporary loss of analytical thinking. People experiencing authentic sexual excitement become less focused on external concerns, more present in their bodies, and naturally drawn into what resembles a trance-like state of heightened sensation and emotion. This regression serves a purpose, connecting adults to the early experiences of unconditional acceptance and physical pleasure that form the foundation of healthy sexuality. Understanding arousal as fundamentally different from physical readiness transforms how we approach sexual encounters. A person might be physically capable of sex while their sexual self remains disengaged or even resistant. The key lies in recognizing that the sexual self requires emotional conditions of safety, acceptance, and genuine desire before it will fully participate. When these conditions are met, physical response follows naturally. When they are absent, no amount of technique or effort can substitute for the missing emotional foundation that allows the sexual self to emerge and express itself authentically.
Gender Dynamics: Women, Men and Sexual Scripts
Traditional sexual scripts assign different roles to men and women, creating a complex dance of desire, power, and vulnerability that shapes most heterosexual encounters. Understanding these scripts reveals why partners often struggle to connect despite genuine attraction and affection. Women in this framework typically need to feel desired as their primary erotic motivation, while men generally require a sense of welcome and acceptance to maintain their sexual confidence and engagement. The conventional sexual script places men in the position of sexual initiators and performers, while positioning women as the primary objects of erotic attention. This creates a system where men must continuously demonstrate their desire and capability, while women must feel sufficiently attractive and desirable to respond. When this balance shifts, both partners can experience confusion, frustration, and declining sexual satisfaction. Men may withdraw when they sense criticism or rejection, while women may lose interest when they no longer feel genuinely pursued or desired. These gender dynamics become particularly challenging in long-term relationships where familiarity can undermine the sexual tension that initially brought couples together. The solution involves understanding that these scripts, while often unconscious, can be consciously modified through awareness and communication. Partners can learn to recognize when they are falling into limiting patterns and develop new ways of expressing desire, acceptance, and sexual interest that honor both people's needs. This requires moving beyond rigid role expectations toward a more flexible understanding of how masculine and feminine energies can interact in mutually satisfying ways.
Long-Term Love: Faith, Intimacy and Mindful Connection
Sustaining erotic connection over decades requires a fundamental shift from desire-based sexuality to what can be understood as faith-based intimacy. This framework recognizes that sexual desire naturally fluctuates in long-term relationships and that trying to force or manufacture desire often backfires. Instead, couples can develop a form of erotic faith that allows them to remain sexually connected even during periods when spontaneous desire is absent. Faith-based intimacy involves cultivating the ability to be present with each other without agenda or expectation, creating space for authentic sexual expression to emerge organically. This approach emphasizes mindful attention to the present moment, acceptance of whatever arises emotionally and physically, and trust in the relationship's capacity to provide ongoing nourishment and connection. Rather than working to maintain constant passion, couples learn to appreciate the full spectrum of sexual experience, from quiet tenderness to intense arousal. The practical application of this framework involves regular practices of non-demanding physical intimacy, honest emotional communication, and what might be called "sexual meditation" - time spent together in bed focusing simply on presence and connection rather than sexual performance. This approach allows couples to weather the inevitable challenges of long-term partnership while maintaining access to the deep intimacy and renewal that sexual connection can provide. The result is a form of love that grows stronger and more meaningful over time, rooted in acceptance, understanding, and genuine care for each other's sexual well-being.
Summary
True sexual fulfillment emerges not from mastering techniques or forcing desire, but from understanding and nurturing the emotional conditions that allow our deepest sexual nature to flourish naturally. This approach represents a paradigm shift in how we understand human sexuality, moving away from performance-based models toward acceptance-based intimacy that honors the wisdom of the sexual self. By recognizing sexuality as fundamentally emotional and relational rather than merely physical, individuals and couples can access deeper levels of satisfaction and connection that sustain themselves over a lifetime, contributing to more authentic relationships and genuine human flourishing.
By Stephen Snyder
