How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less
Make Instant, Meaningful Connections for Interviewing, Selling, Managing, Pitching
Book Edition Details
Summary
"How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less (2000) is a guide to connecting, communicating and expanding your social world. These blinks will teach you how to strike up a conversation with strangers and make them like you. It’ll also show you how to decode even their most subtle gestures.\nBeing likable is an art you can ace."
Introduction
Have you ever walked into a room full of strangers and felt your palms grow sweaty, your mind go blank, and your confidence plummet? Or perhaps you've met someone fascinating but couldn't quite break through that invisible barrier to create a meaningful connection? You're not alone in this struggle. The ability to connect with others quickly and authentically isn't just a nice-to-have skill—it's the secret ingredient that determines the quality of your entire life. Whether you're networking at a conference, meeting a potential romantic partner, or simply trying to make your daily interactions more pleasant, the first 90 seconds of any encounter can make or break your chances of building rapport. The truth is, we live in a world that moves faster than ever, where attention spans are shrinking and first impressions carry enormous weight. People make snap judgments about whether they like you, trust you, or want to continue interacting with you within moments of meeting you. But here's the exciting news: the ability to create instant connections isn't a mysterious gift reserved for the naturally charismatic. It's a learnable skill set based on understanding how human psychology works and applying specific techniques that tap into our unconscious patterns of attraction and rapport.
Master Your Attitude and Body Language
Your attitude is the invisible force that precedes you into every room and colors every interaction you have. It's not just what you think—it's the energy you radiate, the confidence you project, and the emotional state you bring to every encounter. Think of attitude as the tray on which you serve yourself to others, and once your mind locks into a particular attitude, your body automatically follows suit with matching gestures, posture, and facial expressions. Consider Joanne, a bank teller who transforms an ordinary financial institution into a place people actually enjoy visiting. Despite working for a bank that's virtually identical to all its competitors—same rates, same services, same corporate policies—Joanne has created such powerful connections with customers that they drive past closer branches just to interact with her. Her secret isn't complicated: she's chosen what we call a "Really Useful Attitude" of warmth and genuine interest in each person she meets. This attitude isn't fake or forced; it's a conscious choice that automatically aligns her body language, voice tone, and words to create an irresistibly welcoming presence. When Joanne spots a customer approaching her window, her attitude of warmth triggers an entire cascade of positive signals. Her posture opens up, her facial expression brightens, her voice takes on a melodic quality, and her words naturally become more engaging and personalized. Customers can't help but respond positively because every aspect of her communication is congruent—her body, voice, and words all tell the same story of genuine care and interest. This creates what psychologists call the "halo effect," where people assume someone who appears warm and competent in one area must be trustworthy in all areas. The process of choosing a Really Useful Attitude becomes even more powerful when you anchor it to your body through a specific technique. Find a quiet moment to recall a time when you felt completely confident, warm, and genuinely interested in connecting with others. As you relive that memory, intensifying all the visual details, sounds, and feelings associated with it, create a physical trigger by clenching your fist at the peak of those positive emotions. This creates a neurological pathway that allows you to instantly access that optimal state whenever you need it most. Remember that you always have a choice about which attitude to adopt in any situation. You can approach new encounters with curiosity instead of anxiety, warmth instead of defensiveness, or enthusiasm instead of boredom. The moment you consciously select a Really Useful Attitude, your entire being reorganizes itself to support that choice, making authentic connection not just possible but inevitable.
The Art of Synchronizing for Instant Rapport
Synchronizing is perhaps the most powerful yet subtle technique for creating instant rapport, and the remarkable thing is that you've been doing it unconsciously your entire life. Watch any couple deeply in love, two close friends engrossed in conversation, or a parent comforting a child, and you'll notice they naturally mirror each other's posture, breathing patterns, gestures, and vocal rhythms. This unconscious matching creates a profound sense of harmony and mutual understanding that goes far beyond words. The story of Mark and Tanya at a formal dinner illustrates this principle beautifully. Mark, typically tongue-tied at social events, discovered that Tanya was a fellow stamp collector—a shared interest that gave him the courage to engage. But what happened next went far beyond their common hobby. As they discussed Mark's rare 1948 Poached Egg stamp, something magical occurred at the nonverbal level. Tanya leaned forward with her elbows on the table and a finger positioned gently near her ear; Mark unconsciously adopted the identical posture. When she smiled, he smiled; when she nodded, he nodded. When she reached for her water glass, he found himself doing the same moments later. This wasn't conscious mimicry—it was the natural dance of rapport, where two people become so synchronized that they begin to feel like kindred spirits. Their bodies, breathing, and energy patterns aligned in ways that created an almost magnetic sense of connection. By the end of their conversation, both Mark and Tanya felt as though they'd known each other for years, when in reality they'd just met. This is the power of synchronization in action: it quantum-leaps the usual getting-to-know-you process by triggering the same neural patterns that exist between people who are already close. To harness this power intentionally, start by observing and gently matching the overall posture of the person you're speaking with. If they lean back casually, you lean back casually. If they cross their legs, you cross yours. If they speak quickly with animated gestures, you gradually increase your own pace and expressiveness. The key word here is "respectfully"—you're not creating an obvious mirror, but rather adopting a similar energy and rhythm. Pay particular attention to breathing patterns, as matching someone's breathing rhythm creates an almost hypnotic sense of harmony. The ultimate test of successful synchronization comes when you can lead the other person's behavior. After several minutes of matching their movements, try making a subtle change—lean forward slightly or shift your posture—and observe whether they follow your lead. If they do, you've achieved genuine rapport at the unconscious level. This gives you the ability to guide the interaction in positive directions, gradually helping both of you relax and open up more fully. Master this skill, and you'll find people consistently feeling unusually comfortable and connected in your presence, often remarking that they feel like they've met you before.
Spark Conversations That Build Connections
Great conversation isn't about being brilliant, witty, or entertaining—it's about becoming genuinely curious about the other person and creating a comfortable space for them to open up and share what matters to them. The secret lies in understanding that most people are walking around with fascinating stories, experiences, and perspectives just waiting for someone to show authentic interest. Your job isn't to impress them with your own stories, but rather to become a skilled archaeologist of human experience, uncovering the treasures hidden within each person you meet. The foundation of connection-building conversation rests on asking the right kinds of questions. There are essentially two types: closed questions that elicit simple yes-or-no responses, and open questions that invite explanation and storytelling. Consider the difference between asking "Do you like your job?" versus "What do you find most rewarding about your work?" The first question hits a conversational dead end, while the second opens up entire landscapes of possibility for deeper connection and understanding. Mike's encounter at the train station demonstrates both the power and the pitfalls of conversation skills. When he noticed an attractive woman waiting for the same train and learned she was starting a new job at an advertising agency, he had been handed golden opportunities for connection. Instead of picking up on these conversational gifts—asking what type of work she'd be doing, how she landed the position, or what excited her most about the change—he defaulted to surface-level observations about train schedules. He missed the free information she was practically offering him, information that could have led to a rich, engaging dialogue about career transitions, creative industries, or life changes. The art of active listening transforms ordinary exchanges into memorable encounters. This means listening not just with your ears, but with your entire being—maintaining appropriate eye contact, leaning in slightly to show engagement, and providing both verbal and nonverbal feedback that encourages the other person to continue sharing. Use encouraging sounds like "Really?" or "Tell me more about that," and don't be afraid to show genuine reaction to what you're hearing. When someone tells you about a challenging situation, let your face reflect understanding and empathy. When they share something exciting, allow your energy to rise to match their enthusiasm. Remember that conversation is ultimately about painting vivid word pictures of experiences and emotions. Instead of saying "We waited a long time for the bus," try "We stood there in the drizzle, watching three packed buses roll past while the coffee vendor behind us kept shaking his head and muttering about the transit strike." The more you can help others visualize, hear, and feel what you're describing, the more engaged they become, and the stronger the connection you create together.
Tune Into Their Sensory Wavelength
Every person you meet processes and makes sense of the world primarily through one of three sensory channels: visual (what they see), auditory (what they hear), or kinesthetic (what they feel and touch). While we all use all three senses, most people have a dominant preference that shapes how they think, communicate, and connect with others. Learning to identify and adapt to these sensory preferences is like discovering the secret frequency that allows you to tune into someone's inner wavelength and communicate in their native language. Visual people, who make up about 55% of the population, think in pictures and tend to speak quickly as images flash through their minds. They use phrases like "I see what you mean," "That looks good to me," or "Let me get the big picture." They typically dress well, stand upright, and care deeply about how things appear. When explaining a concept, they'll often gesture as if painting pictures in the air or refer to colors, shapes, and spatial relationships. Auditory people, comprising about 15% of the population, are tuned into the world of sound and rhythm. They use language like "That sounds right," "I hear you," or "Let's talk it through." They tend to have melodic voices and are often excellent conversationalists who think out loud and appreciate the musical qualities of speech. Kinesthetic people, about 30% of the population, experience the world through physical sensations and emotions. They use phrases like "I have a gut feeling," "That doesn't sit right with me," or "Let me get a handle on this." They often speak more slowly than visual people because it takes longer to translate feelings into words, and they prefer comfortable clothing and tend to make decisions based on how things feel rather than how they look or sound. They're drawn to texture, temperature, and physical comfort in their environment. The story of Ingrid and Sheldon at the travel agency perfectly illustrates what happens when sensory preferences clash. Ingrid, clearly kinesthetic, spoke about feeling the need to "get away and pamper herself," being "under pressure," and needing to "unwind" from the "tension" at work. Every word she chose and gesture she made signaled that she processed the world through physical sensations and emotions. Sheldon, however, responded with a purely visual approach, showing her colorful brochures and painting pictures with words about "brilliant turquoise water" and "cute villas with red-tiled roofs." Had Sheldon been attuned to Ingrid's sensory preference, he would have created an entirely different experience. Instead of showing her pictures, he might have said, "I can really feel what you're going through with all that workplace pressure. I've actually stayed at this resort myself, and I have to tell you, the moment you sink into those incredibly comfortable beds after a day of feeling the warm sand between your toes and those gentle waves washing over you, all that tension just melts away." By speaking her kinesthetic language, he would have created an immediate bridge to her inner experience and made the sale almost effortless. Start practicing this skill by listening carefully to the words people choose and watching their eye movements when they're thinking. Visual people often look up when accessing memories or creating mental images. Auditory people tend to look sideways toward their ears when processing sound information. Kinesthetic people frequently look down when connecting with their feelings or internal physical sensations. Master this ability to recognize and adapt to sensory preferences, and you'll find yourself connecting with people at a remarkably deep level, often prompting them to say they feel like they've known you forever.
Summary
The journey of connecting with others begins with a simple yet profound realization: other people are your greatest resource, and your ability to build rapport with them determines the quality of every aspect of your life. As the wisdom in this book reveals, "People hire people like themselves. People buy from people like themselves. People date people like themselves. People lend money to people like themselves." This isn't just a clever observation—it's a fundamental truth about human nature that you can leverage to create meaningful connections in 90 seconds or less. The four pillars of instant connection—mastering your attitude and body language, synchronizing with others, sparking engaging conversations, and tuning into sensory preferences—work together like instruments in an orchestra. When you approach someone with a genuinely useful attitude of warmth and curiosity, your body language automatically opens up and invites connection. As you respectfully mirror their posture and energy, you create an unconscious sense of familiarity and trust. Your questions and active listening transform surface-level exchanges into opportunities for genuine discovery and mutual understanding. Finally, when you recognize and speak their preferred sensory language, you complete the circuit of rapport that makes them feel truly seen and understood. The most powerful aspect of these skills is that they're not manipulative tricks or artificial techniques—they're simply accelerated versions of what happens naturally between people who genuinely like and understand each other. Start today by choosing one aspect to focus on: perhaps greeting the next person you meet with deliberate warmth and open body language, or asking one additional open question in your next conversation. Trust that as you practice these skills with authentic intention to connect and serve others, you'll not only transform your relationships but also discover the deep joy that comes from truly seeing and appreciating the fascinating people all around you.
By Nicholas Boothman
