Let's Talk
Make Effective Feedback Your Superpower
Book Edition Details
Summary
In a world where feedback is often feared more than welcomed, Dr. Therese Huston offers a refreshing new approach that transforms dreaded conversations into opportunities for growth and connection. "Let’s Talk: Make Effective Feedback Your Superpower" arms you with the tools to turn feedback into a dynamic catalyst for improvement, whether you're addressing a colleague, an employee, or even your boss. Huston, with her sharp insights as a cognitive psychologist, dismantles the myths surrounding feedback and reveals that the true secret lies in listening first. Discover how to tailor your approach by understanding whether appreciation, coaching, or evaluation is most needed, and watch as performance soars. From articulating intentions to empowering correction of feedback inaccuracies, this book is your guide to making feedback a natural, positive force in any professional relationship. It's more than just a manual; it's a path to unlocking potential and fostering a culture of trust and excellence.
Introduction
Picture this: you need to have a crucial conversation with a team member whose performance has been slipping, but you've been putting it off for weeks. Or perhaps someone on your team deserves recognition for their outstanding work, yet you haven't found the right words to express your appreciation. Sound familiar? Most managers find themselves in this exact predicament, caught between knowing they should give feedback and feeling utterly unprepared to do it well. The challenge isn't that feedback is inherently difficult—it's that most of us have never learned how to do it effectively. We operate under outdated assumptions, rely on generic scripts, or avoid these conversations altogether. But what if feedback could become your greatest leadership tool? What if these conversations could strengthen relationships, boost performance, and create the kind of workplace where people actually want to grow and contribute? The path to mastering feedback lies not in perfect scripts or rigid formulas, but in understanding what truly makes these conversations work for both you and the people you lead.
Side with the Person, Not the Problem
When facing a performance issue or challenging situation, your instinctive response reveals everything about whether your feedback will succeed or fail. Most managers unconsciously align themselves with the problem, focusing on what went wrong and why it needs to be fixed. This approach creates an adversarial dynamic where the employee feels isolated and defensive, even when your intentions are good. Consider Crystal, a talented fundraiser who applied for a promotion three times over five years and was repeatedly turned down. She received vague feedback like "you're doing great work, it's just not the right fit." Frustrated and ready to quit, she finally pressed a board member for honest feedback. The response was shocking: "You wear too much gold." While this might seem like a trivial concern, the board member's comment revealed a deeper issue about professional presentation in their conservative donor environment. The breakthrough came when Crystal realized this wasn't about changing her fundamental identity but about understanding the expectations of her role. Had someone earlier positioned this as being on her side—helping her succeed in a client-facing position—the conversation could have been collaborative rather than crushing. Instead of feeling attacked for who she was, she could have been empowered to make informed choices about her professional presentation. The key is to position yourself as the employee's ally in solving the problem together. Start by identifying their goals and connect your feedback to their success. Ask yourself: "How can I frame this concern as something standing in the way of what they want to achieve?" This shift transforms you from a critic to a collaborator, making the employee far more receptive to your guidance. Remember that your mindset shapes everything about the conversation. When you genuinely side with the person, they feel supported rather than judged, curious rather than defensive. This creates the foundation for real change and growth.
Listen First, Give Feedback Second
The most counterintuitive truth about giving feedback is that your success depends more on your listening skills than your speaking abilities. Most managers approach feedback as a one-way communication: they have something important to say, so they focus all their energy on crafting the perfect message. This approach consistently backfires because it ignores what the employee most needs in these moments—to be heard and understood. Research reveals a striking pattern: when employees receive feedback that leaves them feeling demotivated, their number one wish isn't that their manager had been more positive or more specific. It's that they had been given a chance to share their perspective. People want to explain their actions, describe the obstacles they're facing, and contribute to finding solutions. When you listen first, you're not just being polite—you're gathering crucial information that will make your feedback infinitely more effective. Take the example of a hotel general manager who witnessed what he thought was poor customer service. An employee had checked in a clearly frustrated guest without making small talk or asking about her journey. The manager immediately pulled the employee aside and launched into coaching about the importance of building customer connections. But when another colleague took time to listen to the employee's perspective, a completely different story emerged. The guest had specifically stated she was late for an important call and needed her room key immediately. The employee had actually provided excellent service by reading the situation and prioritizing speed over conversation. This story illustrates why listening transforms feedback from a lecture into a learning opportunity. When you understand the employee's perspective, you can address the real issues at hand. Maybe they need different information, clearer priorities, or support removing obstacles you didn't know existed. Practice relational listening by asking person-focused questions: "What challenges are you running into?" "How do you see this situation?" "What would be most helpful right now?" These questions invite collaboration and show that you're genuinely interested in their experience, not just their compliance.
Ask More Questions, Tell Less Answers
The most powerful coaching conversations happen not when you provide brilliant solutions, but when you ask thoughtful questions that help others discover their own insights. This approach requires patience and restraint, especially when you can clearly see the problem and the solution. However, questions create ownership, understanding, and lasting change in ways that instructions never can. Consider the story of Juan, an HR manager who witnessed a colleague giving feedback to a hotel front desk employee named Madeline. The colleague had seen Madeline process a check-in quickly without engaging the guest in conversation, and he immediately jumped in with advice about making eye contact and asking about the guest's journey. While his suggestions were technically correct, they missed the mark entirely because he hadn't understood the context. Juan took a different approach. Instead of offering solutions, he asked Madeline to share her perspective on what had happened. Through gentle questioning, he learned that the guest had specifically requested fast service because she was running late for an important call. Madeline had read the situation perfectly and provided exactly what the customer needed. But the story didn't end there. Juan continued asking questions: "How do you make an emotional connection now? What are your options?" This questioning approach led Madeline to her own brilliant solution—writing a thoughtful note to check on the guest and offering assistance. The result was remarkable. Not only did Madeline resolve the immediate situation, but she also developed problem-solving skills she could apply in the future. Three days later, the guest wrote a glowing review specifically mentioning Madeline by name. This outcome was possible only because Juan resisted the urge to provide answers and instead asked questions that guided Madeline to her own insights. Start with "What's the real challenge here for you?" This question helps people focus on their most pressing concern rather than getting lost in surface-level symptoms. Follow up with curiosity: "How do you see this situation?" and "What have you already tried?" These questions demonstrate respect for their thinking and create space for collaborative problem-solving.
Turn Difficult Conversations into Growth Moments
When you need to address sensitive issues or deliver unwelcome news, your natural instinct might be to avoid the conversation altogether or to approach it with such caution that your message gets lost. However, difficult conversations can become powerful catalysts for growth when you understand how to minimize threat and maximize learning. The key insight is that when people feel threatened, their brains literally shut down the learning centers they need to process your feedback effectively. Stress hormones impair memory and reduce cognitive flexibility, making it nearly impossible for someone to think creatively about solutions or remember important details. This is why even well-intentioned feedback can backfire spectacularly when delivered in a threatening way. Maya, a director at a foundation, faced this challenge when she needed to tell Peter, a senior team member, that his work wasn't meeting the standards required for high-profile projects. Leadership was questioning whether he should remain in his role, but Maya wanted to give him a chance to improve. However, when she told Peter that leadership wasn't as happy with his work as they claimed to be, he became extremely agitated and defensive. The mixed messages from leadership made him feel he couldn't trust anyone, which shut down his ability to hear Maya's coaching. A better approach would have involved using the SCARF model to reduce threat while delivering the difficult message. Maya could have boosted Peter's sense of certainty by saying, "I want you to know I've got your back. You're my key person, and leadership doesn't have any say over who's on my team. I believe you can rise to meet higher standards, and I'm committed to helping you get there." This approach would have maintained his trust while still communicating the need for improvement. When delivering difficult feedback, acknowledge that the conversation is challenging, express your genuine care for the person's success, then focus on specific behaviors rather than personality traits. Remember that your goal is to create a learning environment where the person can think clearly about next steps, not to prove that you're right about the problem.
Summary
The transformation from dreading feedback conversations to making them your leadership superpower begins with a fundamental shift in perspective. As one manager discovered, "Feedback isn't rocket science. It's harder" because it requires you to navigate the complex terrain of human emotions, motivations, and relationships. But when done skillfully, feedback becomes the lever that turns average performers into engaged contributors and helps stars reach even greater heights. The path forward is surprisingly straightforward: listen more than you speak, ask more than you tell, and always position yourself as an ally in the other person's success. When you approach feedback as a collaborative conversation rather than a performance review, you create space for genuine growth and connection. Start small by choosing one person on your team and having a conversation focused entirely on understanding their perspective and recognizing their strengths. This single action will begin building the foundation for all your future feedback conversations, transforming not just how you lead, but how your team performs and feels about their work.
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By Therese Huston
