No More Mr. Nice Guy!
A Proven Plan for Getting what You Want in Love, Sex, and Life
Book Edition Details
Summary
Nice Guy" constantly seeking approval, yet feeling unfulfilled? No More Mr. Nice Guy (2000) offers a groundbreaking guide to break free from ineffective, passively pleasing patterns. Based on clinical therapy, discover tools to stop seeking validation, live authentically, and achieve the love, life, and success you truly desire.
Introduction
Do you find yourself constantly seeking approval, sacrificing your own needs to keep others happy, yet feeling frustrated and unfulfilled? You're not alone. Millions of men have been conditioned to believe that being "nice" is the key to love, success, and happiness. They've been taught to hide their flaws, avoid conflict, and put everyone else's needs before their own. But this approach often backfires, leaving them feeling powerless, resentful, and disconnected from their authentic selves. The truth is, trying to be what you think others want you to be is a recipe for mediocrity and disappointment. It's time to break free from these limiting patterns and discover what it truly means to be an integrated, powerful man. This journey isn't about becoming selfish or uncaring - it's about learning to value yourself, set healthy boundaries, and create the life you genuinely want.
Stop Seeking Approval and Accept Yourself
The foundation of the Nice Guy syndrome lies in a desperate need for external validation. This pattern stems from childhood experiences where love felt conditional - dependent on being "good" and avoiding mistakes. Nice Guys develop what can be called "attachments" - things they use to feel valuable and gain approval from others. These might include always having perfect hair, being the helpful guy, driving a clean car, or maintaining a pleasant demeanor. Consider Jason, a chiropractor who prided himself on being one of the nicest guys you'd ever meet. Despite his efforts to do everything right for his wife, she constantly found fault with his actions. Whether he dressed their baby in the wrong outfit or cleaned the kitchen but hadn't finished wiping the counters, nothing seemed good enough. Jason lived in constant fear of making mistakes, believing that any flaw would cause others to reject him. He was trapped in an exhausting cycle of trying to anticipate what others wanted while hiding his authentic self. The breakthrough came when Jason learned to shift his focus inward. Instead of constantly monitoring others' reactions, he began asking himself what he wanted and what felt right to him. He practiced revealing his imperfections to safe people and discovered something remarkable - people didn't abandon him. In fact, they felt more connected to him when he showed his humanity. He realized that his flaws weren't character defects to hide but simply part of being human. To break free from approval-seeking, start by identifying your own "attachments" - the ways you try to impress others. Choose one attachment and experiment with letting it go for a week. Notice your anxiety, but push through it. Practice self-care activities that send the message to yourself that you're worth investing in. Most importantly, find safe people with whom you can practice being authentic, sharing both your struggles and your dreams without trying to manage their reactions.
Make Your Needs a Priority
Nice Guys have been conditioned to believe that having needs is selfish, dangerous, or somehow wrong. They learned early that their survival depended on appearing needless while trying to get their needs met through indirect, manipulative ways. This creates a painful paradox - they desperately want their needs met but are terrified of acknowledging them directly. Instead, they use "covert contracts" - unconscious agreements where they give to others expecting something in return, all while pretending no such contract exists. Lars, an anxiety-filled executive, exemplified this pattern perfectly. Despite having a good job and nice family, he was constantly depressed and fantasized about disappearing somewhere else. When asked what he did for himself, he looked puzzled. The very concept of making his needs a priority felt foreign and dangerous to him. Like his controlling father, he feared that putting himself first would make him selfish and cause others to suffer. He was trapped in the belief that there was no room for his needs in a life filled with responsibilities. The transformation began when Lars made a simple decision - to work out every day for a week, regardless of his wife's initial resistance. Though he felt intense guilt and anxiety at first, he persevered. By the third day, his wife began asking about his workouts with genuine interest. As the week progressed, Lars felt more energized and optimistic. Most surprisingly, his wife told him his commitment to self-care had inspired her to join an aerobics class. By putting himself first, he had actually improved their relationship. Start by making a conscious decision to put yourself first for just one weekend. Tell people around you what you're doing so they understand the change. When you feel the impulse to do something for someone else, redirect that energy toward yourself instead. Pay attention to your anxiety - it's normal and temporary. Remember that taking care of yourself isn't selfish; it's essential. When you're fulfilled and energized, you have more to offer others from a place of abundance rather than depletion. The key insight is this: no one was put on this planet to meet your needs, and you weren't put here to meet everyone else's. Making your needs a priority doesn't drive people away - it makes you more attractive, confident, and ultimately more capable of genuine connection and contribution.
Reclaim Your Masculine Energy and Power
For decades, men have been disconnected from their fathers and other male role models, leaving them to be raised primarily by women in homes and schools. This has created generations of men who seek approval from women and have become uncomfortable with their own masculine energy. They've learned to suppress their strength, assertiveness, and competitive nature, believing these traits are "bad" or unwelcome. The result is often a loss of personal power and an inability to lead in their families and communities. Alan represents this journey perfectly. He had deliberately chosen to be the opposite of his absent, angry father - peaceful, giving, and non-confrontational. While these seemed like positive traits, they left him feeling powerless and disconnected from other men. His relationship with his wife suffered because he had made her his emotional center, constantly trying to please her while feeling resentful when his covert contracts weren't fulfilled. He had no male friends and felt more comfortable seeking approval from women than connecting authentically with men. Alan's transformation began when he made the conscious decision to connect with other men. He joined a men's therapy group, started playing volleyball and racquetball at the gym, and eventually organized a softball team. Initially, taking time away from his family created anxiety, but he persevered. Over time, he developed genuine friendships with men and even started taking annual golf trips with his buddies. This shift took enormous pressure off his wife and actually made him more attractive to her as he reclaimed his masculine confidence. Begin by identifying three men you'd like to know better and plan activities you could do together. This might feel awkward at first, but push through the discomfort. Focus on your physical strength through exercise, sports, or martial arts. Examine your relationship with your father through adult eyes, working to see him as a flawed human being rather than a villain or hero. Most importantly, embrace all aspects of your masculinity - both the light and shadow sides - rather than trying to be a "sanitized" version of manhood. Remember that embracing your masculine energy isn't about becoming domineering or insensitive. It's about accessing your natural strength, leadership, and protective instincts while maintaining your capacity for love and connection. Women and children need to see healthy masculine energy in action - it makes them feel safe and provides a crucial model for the next generation.
Summary
Breaking free from Nice Guy patterns requires a fundamental shift from seeking external approval to building genuine self-respect and authentic relationships. As one recovering Nice Guy discovered, "The best thing that ever happened to me was learning that I don't have to be nice to be loved. I can be real, flawed, and human, and people actually prefer that version of me." This journey isn't about becoming selfish or uncaring - it's about becoming integrated and whole. The path forward involves three essential commitments: stop seeking approval and start approving of yourself, make your needs a priority without guilt or apology, and reclaim your masculine energy through authentic connections with other men. These changes will initially feel uncomfortable and may even create temporary chaos in your relationships. However, this disruption is often necessary for genuine growth and healthier dynamics to emerge. Your action step starts now: choose one area where you've been seeking approval or sacrificing yourself, and make a different choice today. Whether it's expressing a genuine opinion, setting a boundary, or simply doing something you enjoy without justification, take that first step toward reclaiming your authentic power. The world needs men who are confident, honest, and genuinely caring - not because they have to be, but because they choose to be.
By Robert A. Glover
