Possible
How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict
Book Edition Details
Summary
In a world teetering on the edge of discord, renowned negotiation expert William Ury unveils a transformative perspective on conflict in his groundbreaking work, "Possible." Drawing from decades of experience in some of the most contentious arenas—from international crises to family disputes—Ury challenges the notion that conflict is inherently destructive. Instead, he argues, it is a catalyst for growth and innovation. This book is a manifesto of hope, offering readers a toolkit of tested strategies to convert tension into opportunity and discord into collaboration. With captivating anecdotes and insightful guidance, Ury paves a path toward progress in a polarized world, inviting readers to reimagine their approach to the conflicts they face daily. "Possible" is not merely a manual but a call to action—urging individuals to harness the power of conflict to forge new, more harmonious futures.
Introduction
We live in an age where conflict seems to dominate every aspect of our lives. From heated political divisions to workplace tensions, from family disagreements to global crises, destructive conflict is everywhere. Yet what if we've been approaching these challenges all wrong? What if conflict itself isn't the problem, but rather how we choose to handle it? The truth is, conflict is natural and even necessary for growth and progress. The real issue lies in our destructive patterns of response that leave everyone worse off. But there's hope. Throughout history, humans have possessed remarkable abilities to transform even the most impossible conflicts into opportunities for connection, understanding, and mutual benefit. These abilities aren't reserved for professional mediators or world leaders. They're innate human capacities that each of us can develop and deploy. When we learn to see conflict differently and respond with curiosity instead of reactivity, with creativity instead of rigidity, we unlock extraordinary possibilities for ourselves, our relationships, and our communities.
Go to the Balcony: Master Your Inner Response
The balcony represents our ability to step back from the heat of conflict and gain perspective. It's a mental space of calm and clarity where we can observe what's happening without being consumed by our immediate reactions. When we're in conflict, our natural tendency is to react from a place of fear, anger, or defensiveness. But the balcony allows us to pause, breathe, and choose our response rather than simply react. Consider the story of William Ury's encounter with Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez during a tense political crisis. At midnight, Ury was brought before Chávez and his entire cabinet. Instead of the respectful conversation he expected, Chávez launched into a furious tirade, calling Ury and other mediators "big fools" and berating them for nearly thirty minutes. Ury felt his face flush with embarrassment and anger. His first instinct was to defend himself and argue back, but he remembered a technique an Ecuadorian friend had taught him: pinch your palm to create a small pain sensation that keeps you alert and present. As Ury pinched his palm and breathed deeply, he was able to step onto his mental balcony. From this place of perspective, he could see that responding defensively would only escalate the situation. Instead, he listened patiently until Chávez finally asked, "So, what should I do?" This question opened the door to a productive conversation about a Christmas truce that helped de-escalate the national crisis. The key was Ury's ability to pause, observe his own reactions, and choose a response that served his deeper purpose rather than his immediate emotions. Going to the balcony involves three essential powers. First, pause and create space between stimulus and response. When you feel triggered, take slow, deep breaths and give yourself permission to think before acting. Second, zoom in on what you really want. Ask yourself what your deeper interests and needs are, beyond your immediate position. Third, zoom out to see the bigger picture and consider the long-term consequences of different responses. Practice building regular "balconies" in your life through meditation, walks in nature, or simply taking a few moments of silence before important conversations.
Build a Golden Bridge: Create Win-Win Solutions
A golden bridge is more than just a compromise; it's an elegant solution that allows all parties to cross the chasm of conflict while maintaining their dignity and achieving their core interests. Unlike traditional negotiation that focuses on positions, bridge-building requires deep understanding of what everyone truly needs and creative thinking about how to satisfy those needs simultaneously. The Camp David Accords provide a masterful example of golden bridge construction. When Egyptian President Anwar Sadat and Israeli Prime Minister Menachem Begin met with President Jimmy Carter in 1978, they arrived with seemingly irreconcilable positions. Begin declared he would rather lose his right eye and hand than dismantle a single Jewish settlement. Sadat insisted there could be no peace without complete evacuation of Egyptian territory. For three days, they were deadlocked, with both leaders preparing to leave in failure. The breakthrough came when Carter's team employed the "one-text" process, listening carefully to understand each side's deeper interests rather than their stated positions. They discovered that Egypt's core need was sovereignty and dignity—getting their land back with their flag flying over it. Israel's fundamental concern was security—ensuring that Egyptian tanks could never again roll across the Sinai Peninsula to attack them. The creative solution involved returning all territory to Egypt while establishing extensive demilitarization zones monitored by the latest technology and international observers. This wasn't a compromise where each side gave up something important; it was an integrative solution where both sides got what they truly needed. Building golden bridges requires three key abilities. First, listen deeply to understand not just what people are saying, but what they truly need and fear. Second, create options that address multiple parties' interests simultaneously. This often requires moving beyond obvious solutions to find innovative approaches. Third, make your proposals attractive by addressing people's concerns about implementation, saving face, and maintaining relationships. Remember that the goal isn't just to solve the immediate problem, but to strengthen relationships and create sustainable agreements that all parties want to uphold.
Engage the Third Side: Mobilize Community Power
The third side represents the power of community—all the people around a conflict who are affected by it and have a stake in its resolution. Rather than seeing conflict as simply "us versus them," the third side recognizes that there's always a larger "us" with shared interests in peace, stability, and mutual well-being. This community power can be mobilized to contain destructive conflict and support constructive transformation. The story of ending apartheid in South Africa demonstrates the extraordinary power of third-side engagement. The conflict seemed utterly intractable, with decades of violent oppression and armed resistance. Many predicted it would take a generation and massive bloodshed to resolve. However, both internal and external third-siders mobilized to create irresistible pressure for change. Internally, business leaders facing economic pressure, faith communities appealing to conscience, and civic organizations reaching across racial lines all worked to make the status quo unsustainable. Externally, the international community imposed sanctions, universities divested, and sports organizations excluded South African teams. This coordinated third-side pressure created what Nelson Mandela called "a winning coalition for change." The key wasn't that everyone agreed on everything, but that they shared a common interest in transformation rather than destruction. When F.W. de Klerk finally released Mandela and began negotiations, it wasn't because he suddenly became enlightened, but because the third side had made the costs of continued conflict unbearable and the benefits of negotiation apparent. The third side provided both pressure and support—pressure to change and support for those willing to take risks for peace. Engaging the third side involves three essential actions. First, host the conflict by creating inclusive spaces where different perspectives can be heard and addressed constructively. Second, help the parties by facilitating dialogue, providing resources, or offering creative suggestions when they're stuck. Third, when necessary, swarm the conflict with coordinated community action that makes destructive behavior costly and constructive behavior rewarding. The most powerful third-side interventions combine all three elements, creating both the pressure for change and the support for those willing to pursue it.
Summary
The path to transforming conflict lies not in avoiding or suppressing our differences, but in developing our innate human capacities to handle them constructively. As this wisdom reveals, "What is made by us can be changed by us." Every destructive conflict pattern we see around us is a human creation, which means it can be transformed through human choice and action. The three victories of going to the balcony, building golden bridges, and engaging the third side aren't just theoretical concepts—they're practical tools that work in situations ranging from family disputes to international crises. Start today by choosing one conflict in your life and asking yourself: How can I step back and gain perspective? What would a solution look like that meets everyone's deeper needs? And who in my community might help support a more constructive approach? The world desperately needs more possibilists—people who see possibilities where others see only problems.
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By William Ury
