Resurrecting Sex
Solving Sexual Problems and Revolutionizing Your Relationship
byDavid Schnarch, James Maddock
Book Edition Details
Summary
In "Resurrecting Sex," Dr. David Schnarch invites couples to transform intimacy hurdles into pathways of profound connection. This isn't merely a guide—it's an odyssey into the heart of relationships, where emotional candor and erotic honesty converge to redefine love. With a compassionate lens, Schnarch dissects the intricate dance of desire and vulnerability, addressing common sexual challenges with both wisdom and warmth. By delving into the emotional intricacies of sexual interaction, he offers a blueprint for turning relational discord into opportunities for growth and deeper affection. Whether you're navigating the complexities of a long-term partnership or a new romance, this book serves as a beacon of hope, urging readers to embrace the true potential of their intimate bonds.
Introduction
Sexual challenges touch nearly every couple at some point in their journey together, creating ripples of disconnection that extend far beyond the bedroom. Whether you're struggling with arousal difficulties, feeling emotionally distant from your partner, or watching passion slowly fade from your relationship, these experiences can leave you wondering if the deep intimacy you once shared is gone forever. Yet beneath the surface of these challenges lies an extraordinary opportunity for transformation that goes far beyond simply fixing what feels broken. The path to sexual fulfillment isn't just about technique or performance—it's about discovering the profound connection that becomes possible when two people learn to truly hold onto themselves while reaching for each other. This journey requires courage, self-awareness, and a willingness to grow beyond your comfort zone, but the transformation that awaits isn't just about better sex. It's about becoming the person and partner you were meant to be, creating a relationship where both passion and deep emotional intimacy can flourish.
Master Self-Soothing to Break Emotional Gridlock
The ability to hold onto yourself while remaining emotionally connected to your partner forms the foundation of intimate relationships. This crucial skill involves maintaining a clear sense of who you are, soothing your own anxieties, staying non-reactive when your partner becomes upset, and tolerating discomfort in service of growth. Most couples get stuck in patterns where they try to regulate each other's anxieties and derive their self-worth from their partner's approval, creating emotional gridlock where neither person can move forward without threatening the other's sense of security. Kelly and Donald's marriage perfectly exemplified this destructive dynamic. Kelly's explosive temper dominated their relationship, while Donald lived in constant fear, desperately seeking her acceptance and approval. Kelly hated having sex with someone who was clearly afraid of her, while Donald's anxiety made genuine intimacy impossible. Their sexual problems—Kelly's difficulty reaching orgasm and Donald's intermittent erection issues—directly reflected their emotional fusion and complete inability to self-soothe. The cycle seemed unbreakable, with each partner's anxiety feeding off the other's reactions. The breakthrough came during one particularly difficult evening when Kelly couldn't reach orgasm and launched into her usual self-attacking tirade. Instead of scurrying around trying to fix her mood as he always had, Donald took a deep breath and calmly said, "I'm not participating in this anymore. If you can't have compassion for yourself, at least have some for me. I'm tired of scurrying around like a scared little mouse whenever you get angry." Donald wasn't attacking Kelly or withdrawing—he was finally standing up for himself while remaining present and caring. This moment of authentic self-expression began to break their gridlock because Donald stopped trying to control Kelly's response and started taking responsibility for his own truth. Start by identifying where you've been accommodating your partner's anxieties at the expense of your own growth and authenticity. Practice self-soothing techniques like deep breathing and mindful awareness when you feel yourself getting reactive or desperate for your partner's approval. Learn to stay emotionally present even when your partner is upset, rather than automatically withdrawing or fighting back. Remember that your partner's growth and happiness cannot depend on your constant accommodation, nor can yours depend on theirs. The goal is to remain connected to your own values and needs even when your partner pressures you to conform or becomes anxious about change.
Optimize Your Sexual Response System
Sexual function operates through a sophisticated interplay of body, mind, and relationship dynamics that most couples never fully understand. Your body has specific response thresholds for arousal and orgasm, and reaching these thresholds requires sufficient total stimulation from three key sources: the quality of physical touch you receive, your body's physiological ability to respond, and your emotional and mental state during intimacy. When any of these elements falls short, your total stimulation may remain below the threshold needed for satisfying sexual response. Amanda and Cole, a couple in their fifties, found themselves drifting into sexual silence as both struggled with increasing difficulties. Amanda had lost interest in sex and couldn't reach orgasm, while Cole battled erection problems that seemed to worsen with each failed attempt. They assumed aging was stealing their passion and resigned themselves to a sexless marriage, but the real issue lay in their fundamental misunderstanding of how sexual response actually works. Like many couples, they had developed a sexual routine that barely generated enough stimulation to function when they were younger, making them vulnerable to any small disruption as they aged. When Amanda and Cole learned about response thresholds, everything changed. They realized that instead of just trying harder with the same old approaches, they needed to dramatically increase their total level of stimulation across all three areas. Cole addressed his blood pressure medication with his doctor, discovering alternatives that didn't interfere with his sexual response. They began focusing on much longer periods of sensual touch and emotional connection before attempting intercourse. Most importantly, they learned to be truly present with each other during intimacy, letting go of performance anxiety and simply enjoying the experience of connecting physically and emotionally. Begin by having an honest medical evaluation to identify and address any physical factors that might be interfering with your sexual response, including medications, hormonal changes, or underlying health conditions. Focus on dramatically increasing the quality and duration of physical touch, moving beyond goal-oriented stimulation to explore sensual connection for its own sake. Create optimal conditions for intimacy by managing stress, ensuring adequate time and privacy, and eliminating distractions that pull your attention away from the present moment. Remember that the goal isn't just to function sexually, but to develop resilient sexual intimacy that can weather life's inevitable changes and continue growing stronger over time.
Navigate Relationship Challenges as a Team
Sexual problems rarely exist in isolation from the broader dynamics of your relationship, and lasting change requires addressing the underlying patterns that create emotional distance and anxiety. Issues like poor communication, unresolved conflicts, and defensive reactions create an atmosphere where sexual intimacy struggles to flourish. Rather than avoiding these challenges or trying to compartmentalize your sex life from the rest of your relationship, couples who successfully resurrect their sexual connection learn to work through difficulties as a team, using their commitment to each other as motivation for personal growth. Peter and Judy had been trapped in a frustrating cycle for years, with Peter desperately wanting to improve their sexual relationship while Judy felt overwhelmed by any suggestion of change. Peter accommodated Judy's anxieties by avoiding the topic of sex entirely, while Judy occasionally went through the motions to maintain peace. Neither was truly satisfied, and both felt increasingly resentful and distant. Their sexual encounters had become rare, mechanical, and emotionally disconnected, leaving them feeling like roommates rather than lovers. The breakthrough came when Peter finally stopped trying to manage Judy's comfort level and started being honest about his own reality. One evening, instead of backing down when Judy resisted his gentle approach to intimacy, Peter quietly said, "I don't know how much longer I can go on like this." He wasn't threatening or demanding—he was simply expressing his truth with compassion for both of them. This moment of authentic vulnerability broke through their gridlock because Peter stopped trying to control Judy's response and started taking responsibility for his own needs and feelings. Judy, freed from the pressure of managing Peter's emotions, could finally consider what she actually wanted rather than just reacting defensively. Start by identifying the negative cycles you and your partner get stuck in during conflicts or sexual encounters, noticing how anxiety, defensiveness, or withdrawal patterns interfere with your ability to stay present and connected. Practice having difficult conversations when you're both calm and committed to understanding each other rather than winning arguments or avoiding discomfort. Develop repair strategies for when interactions go poorly, including taking responsibility for your part in problems and making genuine attempts to reconnect rather than staying stuck in blame or resentment. Use your sexual relationship as a laboratory for developing the qualities you want to embody in all areas of life—courage, compassion, authenticity, and love—remembering that working through challenges together strengthens your bond and creates the emotional safety necessary for vulnerable intimacy.
Summary
The path to sexual fulfillment is ultimately a journey of becoming more fully yourself while learning to truly connect with another person, transforming not just your intimate relationship but your entire capacity for love and growth. As one wise observer noted, "The hallmark of being human is not dependence or fears of abandonment. It is our indomitable urge to chart our own lives, to persevere through difficult times and keep going." Your sexual challenges aren't signs of failure or evidence that passion is lost forever—they're invitations to develop the emotional maturity and self-mastery that make profound intimacy possible. The courage to face your fears, work through difficulties, and remain open to growth creates the foundation for the passionate, connected relationship you both deserve. Start today by choosing one small way to hold onto yourself more fully in your relationship, whether that's speaking honestly about your needs, refusing to accommodate your partner's anxieties at the expense of your own truth, or simply committing to stay present during difficult conversations, knowing that your willingness to grow creates ripples of positive change that extend far beyond the bedroom.
Related Books
Download PDF & EPUB
To save this Black List summary for later, download the free PDF and EPUB. You can print it out, or read offline at your convenience.
By David Schnarch
