The Relationship Cure
A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships
byJohn M. Gottman, Joan DeClaire
Book Edition Details
Summary
"The Relationship Cure (2002) prescribes a surprisingly simple solution to the problems that ail many of our relationships. Drawing on psychologist John M. Gottman’s extensive research, its insights and tips are equally applicable to relationships between romantic partners, friends, family members, and coworkers. "
Introduction
Every moment of every day, you're participating in an invisible dance of connection. A glance across the breakfast table, a casual comment about the weather, a shared laugh over something silly—these seemingly small interactions hold extraordinary power to either strengthen or weaken the bonds that matter most in your life. Yet most of us remain unaware of this hidden language of emotional connection, missing countless opportunities to deepen our relationships with spouses, children, friends, and colleagues. The quality of our relationships ultimately determines the quality of our lives, and the remarkable truth is that our capacity for meaningful connection isn't fixed by personality or circumstance. Through specific, learnable skills, anyone can transform their ability to create lasting emotional bonds that enrich every aspect of their daily experience.
Master the Art of Emotional Bidding
At the foundation of every thriving relationship lies a continuous exchange of emotional bids—small attempts to connect that happen hundreds of times each day. These bids might be a casual "How was your day?" a vulnerable sharing of dreams or fears, or even a simple comment about something you've noticed. Each represents a moment of reaching out, saying "I want to connect with you." Consider Anna and Frank, a couple struggling with twin babies and overwhelming daily stress. Frank would retreat to his computer for art projects after exhausting workdays, while Anna desperately needed help with the children. When Anna called for assistance, Frank would hear her but delay responding, hoping she'd solve the problem herself. One evening, after Frank ignored her calls and later made himself a sandwich, Anna discovered the mayonnaise-covered knife he'd left on the counter. She exploded in rage, throwing the knife across the room while screaming about his mess. The knife wasn't the real issue—it was charged with all of Anna's accumulated anger from Frank's repeated turning away from her bids for connection. Each ignored request had built resentment until a trivial incident triggered an explosive response. The transformation began when Anna learned to make smaller, clearer bids in the moment rather than stockpiling grievances. Instead of suffering in silence, she would gently say, "Frank, I really need your help with the babies right now." Meanwhile, Frank learned to recognize Anna's requests as bids for partnership, not criticism, responding immediately with "Let me finish this sentence and I'll be right there." To master emotional bidding, start by becoming aware of the bids happening around you every day. When someone makes a bid, you have three choices: turn toward them with interest, turn away through distraction, or turn against them with irritation. Practice turning toward these moments with genuine curiosity. When making your own bids, be direct and specific about what you need, and express appreciation when others respond positively.
Understand Your Emotional Command Systems
Deep within your brain lie seven distinct emotional command systems that drive your behavior and shape how you connect with others. These ancient circuits—the Commander-in-Chief, Explorer, Sensualist, Energy Czar, Jester, Sentry, and Nest-Builder—each coordinate different aspects of human experience, from seeking adventure to building intimate bonds. Understanding your unique configuration can revolutionize your relationships. Julie and John exemplified this beautifully in their marriage. Julie's highly activated Explorer system thrived on adventure and new experiences, leading her to train for a year to climb to Mount Everest base camp in Nepal. John, with a much quieter Explorer system, preferred cultural exhibits and ancient ruins to extreme physical challenges. Initially, John's Sentry system activated intensely, flooding him with fears about Julie's safety—visions of altitude sickness, helicopter rescues, and worse. The breakthrough came when John recognized that Julie's Explorer wasn't just a preference—it was essential to her happiness and vitality. Without adventure and discovery, she became restless and irritable. Meanwhile, Julie understood that John's quieter Explorer and stronger Nest-Builder system meant he was happiest creating a stable, comfortable home base. When Julie returned from Nepal with photos of herself at 18,500 feet, wearing the most blissful smile John had ever seen, he felt proud that their marriage encouraged such adventures. To apply this understanding, first identify which of your seven emotional command systems are most and least active. Notice when you feel energized versus drained in different situations. Then observe the same patterns in people close to you. When conflicts arise, ask whether you're operating from different command systems rather than assuming the other person is being difficult. This perspective transforms potential conflicts into opportunities for deeper understanding and mutual support.
Transform Heritage Into Connection Strength
Your emotional past lives within you, creating invisible templates that shape how you give and receive love in every relationship. The family patterns you grew up with, along with significant life experiences, form your emotional heritage—an influential force that can either strengthen or sabotage your connections with others. By understanding and transforming these inherited patterns, you can turn potential relationship obstacles into sources of wisdom and strength. The research reveals that people trust nonverbal cues far more than spoken words. In studies where facial expressions, tone of voice, and words conveyed conflicting messages, people relied only 7 percent on actual words spoken. They trusted tone of voice 38 percent of the time, and facial expressions and body language a remarkable 55 percent of the time. This understanding becomes crucial when we consider how our emotional heritage influences not just what we say, but how we say it. Consider Marie, who noticed something subtle but important about her brother Tim after his recent breakup. Though Tim insisted he was fine and glad the relationship was over, Marie detected a heaviness in his eyes, a slower way of moving, and a particular tone that suggested deep sadness. Rather than accepting his words at face value, she tuned into these nonverbal signals and recognized them as a bid for connection and support. Marie's emotional intelligence led her to offer what Tim really needed—not advice or analysis, but simply companionship and the gentle invitation to talk if he wanted to. To transform your emotional heritage, begin by exploring your family's emotional philosophy. Was emotion expression encouraged or discouraged? Were certain feelings more acceptable than others? Identify your enduring vulnerabilities—past experiences that still trigger strong reactions in current relationships. Share these patterns with trusted people in your life, creating understanding and compassion that allows you to work together toward healthier connection patterns.
Create Rituals That Build Lasting Bonds
The strongest relationships are built not on grand gestures but on the accumulation of small, meaningful moments repeated over time. Rituals of connection—predictable activities that carry symbolic meaning—create a framework for emotional bonding that sustains relationships through both ordinary days and extraordinary challenges. These rituals communicate that your relationship deserves intentional care and attention. Research demonstrates that couples who consistently turn toward each other's bids create relationships that can weather any storm, while those who habitually turn away gradually erode their foundation. This principle extends beyond romantic relationships to friendships, family bonds, and professional connections. The key lies in creating structured opportunities for genuine attention and presence. Think about the evening ritual that could transform your family's chaotic dinnertime into the favorite part of each day. Instead of rushing through meals while checking phones, institute a simple practice where each person shares the best and most challenging part of their day. What begins as a five-minute exercise can evolve into rich conversations where family members truly listen to each other's experiences, offer support during difficulties, and celebrate small victories together. Effective rituals share several characteristics: they happen regularly and predictably, involve genuine attention and presence, and carry meaning beyond the activity itself. A goodnight kiss isn't just about physical affection—it's a daily reminder of love and security. A weekly coffee date with a friend isn't just about caffeine—it's a commitment to maintaining connection despite busy schedules. To create powerful rituals, start small and be consistent, choosing activities that feel natural and sustainable while focusing on being fully present during these moments.
Summary
The journey toward deeper, more meaningful relationships begins with recognizing that every interaction offers an opportunity to either strengthen or weaken your bonds with others. Through mastering emotional bids, understanding your brain's command systems, transforming your emotional heritage, and creating intentional rituals of connection, you can build relationships that not only survive but thrive. As the research powerfully reveals, "We have discovered the elementary constituents of closeness between people, and we have learned the basic principle that regulates how relationships work." Starting today, commit to becoming a collector of emotional moments. Notice the small bids for connection surrounding you—when colleagues mention weekend plans, children show artwork, or partners comment on something they've read. In each moment, choose to turn toward rather than away, asking follow-up questions and offering your full presence. These tiny acts of attention and care, repeated consistently over time, will transform not only your relationships but the very quality of your daily experience.
Related Books
Download PDF & EPUB
To save this Black List summary for later, download the free PDF and EPUB. You can print it out, or read offline at your convenience.
By John M. Gottman
