Getting More
How You Can Negotiate to Succeed in Work and Life
Book Edition Details
Summary
In the high-stakes arena of human interaction, where every conversation is a delicate negotiation, Stuart Diamond unveils a transformative approach to creating value. "Getting More" is your gateway to mastering the art of negotiation, harnessing the power of emotional intelligence over brute logic. From securing a dream seat on a fully boarded flight to extracting an extra million in business deals, Diamond's insights stem from decades of research across diverse cultures and industries. This book doesn't just teach you to negotiate; it reshapes how you perceive and engage with the world. Whether you're navigating the boardroom or bedtime stories, this compelling guide equips you with the invisible tools to enrich every encounter, leaving behind the tired tactics of force and leverage.
Introduction
Every day presents countless opportunities to improve your circumstances, strengthen relationships, and achieve your goals through the simple act of better communication. Yet most people approach these crucial moments with outdated strategies that create conflict rather than collaboration, leaving valuable outcomes unrealized. Whether you're seeking a promotion, resolving family tensions, or navigating challenging business deals, the difference between success and frustration often lies not in what you're asking for, but in how you're asking for it. The revolutionary approach explored here transforms negotiation from a battle of wills into an art of connection, revealing how understanding human psychology and focusing on mutual benefit can turn even the most difficult conversations into pathways to extraordinary results. These principles work because they address the fundamental truth that all meaningful change happens through people, and people respond best when they feel genuinely understood and valued.
Focus on People and Emotional Intelligence First
The foundation of transformational negotiation rests on a simple yet profound principle: people, not facts, drive every decision. This approach recognizes that behind every position, demand, or resistance lies a human being with specific emotions, perceptions, and needs that must be addressed before any substantive progress can occur. John Bowman discovered this truth during one of Hollywood's most contentious labor disputes. As chief negotiator for the Writers Guild during the 2008 strike, he faced months of deadlock with studio executives over compensation and royalties. Traditional negotiation tactics had failed completely, with both sides entrenched in their positions and relationships deteriorating daily. Instead of continuing to hammer on financial details, Bowman received advice that seemed counterintuitive: put aside all substantive issues and focus entirely on the human element. When negotiations resumed, Bowman opened with a question that stunned everyone in the room: "Are you happy?" This simple inquiry acknowledged the frustration and exhaustion that all parties were experiencing. Rather than diving into contract terms, he created space for genuine dialogue about the process itself and how everyone was feeling about the prolonged conflict. The studio executives, caught off guard by this unexpected empathy, began to open up about their own pressures and concerns. The transformation was immediate and remarkable. Within days of this new approach, both sides agreed to replace their more confrontational representatives with negotiators focused on collaboration rather than combat. The strike that had paralyzed Hollywood for months was resolved shortly thereafter, not because the substantive issues had changed, but because the human dynamics had been addressed first. To implement this approach, begin every important conversation by genuinely seeking to understand the other person's emotional state and perspective. Ask questions like "How are you feeling about this situation?" or "What's been most challenging for you?" Listen not just to their words but to the feelings behind them, and acknowledge those emotions before presenting any proposals or solutions.
Master Standards and Handle Difficult Negotiations
Standards represent one of the most powerful yet underutilized tools in any negotiator's arsenal, particularly when dealing with challenging personalities or seemingly impossible situations. These standards include policies, precedents, promises, and principles that others have established for themselves, creating leverage that feels collaborative rather than confrontational. Jason Klein experienced the transformative power of standards when facing his third rejection from Penn Law School. After being denied admission twice, he was told he wouldn't even be considered again until June, effectively ending his hopes for that academic year. Rather than pleading his case or highlighting his personal qualifications, Klein took a completely different approach that focused on the school's own stated criteria. He methodically went through the law school's admissions catalog, identifying every single standard and requirement they had published. His letter was elegantly simple: for each criterion, he wrote "Here's your standard, here's how I meet it." He addressed academic performance, test scores, work experience, community involvement, and every other factor they claimed to value. The letter concluded with a respectful but powerful question: "Please tell me where I'm wrong here." The response was swift and decisive. Within four days of receiving Klein's letter, Penn Law School reversed their position and offered him admission. The admissions committee couldn't argue with their own published standards, and Klein had made it virtually impossible for them to reject him without contradicting their stated values and criteria. This approach works because of a fundamental aspect of human psychology: people strongly resist contradicting themselves or appearing inconsistent with their stated principles. When you present someone with a choice between honoring their own standards and violating them, they almost always choose consistency. The key lies in being methodical and respectful, building your case step by step rather than demanding immediate compliance. To master this technique, research the other party's stated policies, past practices, and public commitments before any important negotiation. Look for precedents they've set and exceptions they've made previously. Frame your requests in terms of their own criteria rather than your personal needs, and always give them a graceful way to say yes while maintaining their integrity.
Create Value Through Strategic Relationship Building
The most sophisticated negotiators understand that the greatest opportunities lie not in dividing existing value, but in creating entirely new value through strategic thinking and relationship building. This approach transforms negotiations from zero-sum competitions into collaborative ventures where everyone can achieve more than they initially thought possible. Larry Stillman, a paper industry executive, discovered this principle when pursuing a multimillion-dollar supply contract with a major client. Traditional negotiation might have focused on price, delivery terms, or service guarantees. Instead, Stillman invested time in understanding what his potential client truly valued beyond the obvious business metrics. Through careful listening and relationship building, he learned that the client's CEO was passionate about basketball and desperately wanted tickets to the NBA finals. To most people, basketball tickets might seem completely unrelated to a paper supply contract. But Stillman recognized that value is subjective and that the tickets represented something far more important than their monetary cost. To the CEO, they symbolized that his vendor would go to extraordinary lengths to understand and meet his personal interests, creating a level of partnership that transcended typical business relationships. Stillman secured the NBA finals tickets through his network of contacts and presented them as a gesture of partnership rather than a bribe or quid pro quo. The CEO was genuinely moved by this demonstration of personal attention and care. The result was not just the immediate contract worth millions of dollars, but a long-term relationship that generated ongoing business for years to come. This success occurred because Stillman expanded his thinking beyond the immediate transaction to consider the full range of value he could create. He recognized that people make decisions based on emotional as well as rational factors, and that addressing both dimensions creates exponentially more powerful results than focusing on either alone. To apply this approach, always explore what the other party values beyond the obvious. Ask about their challenges, goals, and what success looks like from their perspective. Look for ways to provide value through your network, expertise, or resources that might cost you little but mean a great deal to them. Remember that the most valuable trades often involve intangibles like recognition, convenience, relationships, or access to opportunities.
Summary
The journey toward mastering everyday negotiation begins with a fundamental shift in perspective, moving from adversarial thinking to collaborative problem-solving that creates value for everyone involved. As one practitioner reflected after transforming his approach, "The negotiations course divided my life into two parts, before the course and after the course. It allowed me to have a much happier and easier life, a more successful career, and better relationships." This transformation isn't about becoming someone different, but about developing the skills to connect more effectively with others while achieving your own objectives through mutual benefit rather than conflict. Start immediately by approaching your very next interaction with genuine curiosity about the other person's perspective, asking yourself what they truly need and how you might help them achieve it while advancing your own goals, and watch as this simple shift begins opening doors you never knew existed.
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By Stuart Diamond
