What We Say Matters
Practicing Nonviolent Communication
byJudith Hanson Lasater, Ike K. Lasater
Book Edition Details
Summary
Words can heal or harm, but what if they could elevate? In "What We Say Matters," Judith Hanson Lasater and Ike Lasater weave a tapestry of empathy and connection, revealing the transformative power of Nonviolent Communication (NVC). Drawing from their deep roots in yoga and Buddhism, the authors share a journey where speech transcends mere dialogue to become a spiritual practice. Imagine conversations where compassion reigns and conflicts dissolve into understanding. With heartfelt anecdotes and practical exercises, they guide you to listen with presence, express needs without blame, and transform interactions into meaningful exchanges. This is more than a guide—it's an invitation to make every word count, enriching your world with harmony and respect.
Introduction
The kitchen conversation that changed everything started simply enough. Judith had just shared her feelings about a difficult day when her husband Ike, fresh from a communication workshop, looked at her with newfound enthusiasm and declared, "That's not a feeling." The words hung in the air like a challenge neither of them was prepared for. What followed was not the connection Ike had hoped to create with his new knowledge, but rather a perfect demonstration of how learning to communicate differently can initially make things worse before they get better. This moment captures the universal struggle we all face when trying to bridge the gap between our intentions and our impact. We want to connect deeply with those we care about, yet so often our words create distance instead of closeness. We long to express our truth in ways that heal rather than harm, to speak from the heart rather than from habit or reaction. This book explores a revolutionary approach to communication that transforms not just how we speak, but how we see ourselves and others. Through the integration of ancient wisdom about truthful speech with practical techniques for compassionate dialogue, we discover that what we say truly does matter, not just for our relationships, but for the kind of world we create together. The journey toward conscious communication begins with recognizing that every word we speak is an opportunity to choose love over fear, understanding over judgment, and connection over separation.
From Ancient Wisdom to Modern Practice
A student once asked a distinguished yoga teacher which was more important: speaking the truth that might hurt someone, or remaining silent to avoid causing harm. The teacher's response surprised her: "Something cannot be true and unkind at the same time." This ancient insight reveals a profound understanding that has been lost in our modern world, where we often believe we must choose between honesty and compassion. The sacred texts of yoga speak of satya, the practice of truthfulness, while Buddhist teachings emphasize right speech as part of the noble path to enlightenment. Yet for many sincere seekers, these concepts remained frustratingly abstract. How do you actually practice truthfulness in the heat of an argument with your teenager? What does right speech look like when your coworker is gossiping about someone you care about? The wisdom was clear, but the practical application remained elusive. When Marshall Rosenberg first demonstrated what he called Nonviolent Communication, observers watched in amazement as person after person found healing through his words. One by one, workshop participants would laugh, cry, or both as they experienced genuine connection, often for the first time in years. The magic wasn't in special words or techniques, but in a fundamental shift in consciousness about what communication could accomplish when rooted in empathy and truth. This integration of timeless spiritual principles with practical communication skills offers something revolutionary: a way to speak that honors both our need for authenticity and our commitment to non-harm. When we learn to express what is truly alive in us without attacking or defending, we discover that honest speech and compassionate speech are not opposites but partners in the dance of conscious relationship.
The Four Pillars of Conscious Communication
During a family dinner, tension filled the room when a parent announced to their teenager, "This room is a mess. Clean it up by tomorrow morning because company is coming." The predictable response came immediately: "It's not a mess!" What followed was the familiar dance of escalating defensiveness, with the teenager eventually retreating to the time-honored declaration, "Whose room is it anyway?" The conversation that was meant to create cooperation had instead created conflict. The breakthrough came when this same parent learned to approach the situation differently: "When I see clothes on the floor, dishes with food on your desk, and your bed unmade, I feel overwhelmed because my need for order and beauty isn't being met. Would you spend ten minutes with me now making the bed and putting the clothes in the closet?" The shift was remarkable. Instead of arguing about whether the room was messy, the conversation focused on specific observations, genuine feelings, and real needs. This transformation rests on four foundational pillars that support all conscious communication. First, we learn to observe without evaluating, describing what we see rather than judging what we think it means. Second, we connect with our authentic feelings, those bodily sensations and emotions that signal whether our needs are being met. Third, we identify the universal human needs beneath our feelings, recognizing that needs connect us to life itself and to one another. Finally, we make specific, doable requests that give others the gift of knowing how they might contribute to our wellbeing. These four elements work together like instruments in an orchestra, each one essential to creating harmony. When we master this conscious structure, we discover that even difficult conversations can become opportunities for deeper connection and mutual understanding.
Transforming Relationships Through Mindful Speech
The marriage counseling session had reached an impasse. For the third time that month, the couple was rehashing their familiar argument about temperature. "It's cold in here," one would say, and the other would immediately respond, "No, it isn't," launching them into the same unproductive cycle. Each partner had dug into their position, defending their solution: "If you're cold, put on more clothes" versus "If you're hot, take off some clothes." What seemed like an unsolvable conflict was actually a perfect example of how couples fight about strategies while missing the deeper needs that connect them. The breakthrough came when they learned to look beneath the surface strategies to the underlying needs. Both partners shared the same fundamental desires: for comfort, consideration, and harmony in their shared space. When they connected at this deeper level, creative solutions emerged naturally. They discovered that they could meet both of their needs through small adjustments, compromises, and mutual care that honored both perspectives. This pattern repeats in relationships everywhere. A teenager who seems rebellious and defiant is actually expressing a deep need for autonomy and respect. A coworker who appears chronically negative may be seeking acknowledgment and understanding. When we learn to hear the needs beneath the words, even criticism becomes a request for connection. The most profound shift happens when we realize that our partner's needs are not burdens to be endured but gifts to be received. Each request becomes an opportunity to contribute to someone's wellbeing, transforming the very nature of giving and receiving in relationships. When we approach each other as fellow human beings seeking to thrive rather than as adversaries to be defeated, we create the conditions for love to flourish naturally.
Bringing Compassionate Communication to the World
On a quiet Sunday morning, an aggressive encounter on the street became an unexpected lesson in the power of conscious communication. When a tall, intimidating man approached demanding money, the natural response might have been either immediate compliance or defensive resistance. Instead, what unfolded demonstrated how empathy can transform even potentially dangerous situations into moments of human connection. Rather than reacting with fear or aggression, the man being approached chose to listen for the need beneath the demand. "I'm feeling afraid with you so close," he said. "Would you be willing to step back?" When the aggressor moved back but continued his demands, he received something completely unexpected: empathy for his need to be seen, heard, and respected. With each round of genuine understanding, the man's posture shifted. His clenched fists relaxed, his aggressive stance softened, until finally he was standing in perfect balance, centered and present. The transformation culminated when this same man, now feeling truly heard, leaned over and put his head on the other's shoulder with tears in his eyes. What had begun as a potentially violent encounter ended with connection, understanding, and voluntary cooperation. Only then was money offered, but now it came as a gift freely given rather than payment extracted through coercion. This story illustrates the radical possibility that conscious communication offers to our world. When we choose to see every difficult person as a human being whose needs are not being met, we open doors to transformation that seemed impossible. Whether in family conflicts, workplace tensions, or global crises, the principles remain the same: connection creates the possibility for cooperation, and empathy dissolves the barriers that separate us.
Summary
The kitchen conversation that began with judgment and defensiveness holds within it the seed of transformation that every relationship yearns for. When we learn to speak from what is truly alive in us rather than from our habits of blame and criticism, we discover that our words become bridges rather than walls. The ancient wisdom of truthful and harmless speech finds its perfect expression in the practical skills of empathetic communication, showing us that we never have to choose between honesty and kindness. The four pillars of conscious communication, observation without evaluation, authentic feeling expression, needs awareness, and specific requests, provide a reliable structure for creating connection even in our most challenging moments. Whether we're navigating the complex dynamics of intimate partnerships, the developmental struggles of parent-child relationships, or the broader challenges of community and workplace interactions, these principles offer hope and practical guidance. Most profoundly, we learn that transformation begins with our willingness to see every human being, including ourselves, as someone trying to meet universal needs for respect, understanding, safety, and love. When we commit to speaking and listening from this place of recognition, we become agents of healing in a world that desperately needs the medicine of genuine human connection.
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By Judith Hanson Lasater
