Collaborating with the Enemy
How to Work with People You Don't Agree with or Like or Trust
Book Edition Details
Summary
In a world that's more divided than ever, Adam Kahane's "Collaborating with the Enemy" disrupts the very notion of teamwork. Forget the myth of a harmonious group united under a common vision. Kahane argues that true collaboration thrives on discord and unpredictability. Whether navigating the stormy seas of political reform or simply trying to resolve a family dispute, Kahane's insights reveal how to harness conflict as a catalyst for groundbreaking solutions. This book is a lifeline for those daring enough to transform adversaries into allies, offering a toolkit of innovative strategies for achieving the seemingly impossible in an age of polarization.
Introduction
We all face moments when we desperately need to work with people who see the world differently than we do. Perhaps it's a colleague whose approach clashes with yours, a family member whose values challenge your own, or a community leader whose vision seems completely at odds with what you believe is right. The traditional response is often to avoid, defeat, or simply endure these difficult relationships. But what if there was another way? The reality is that our most important challenges—whether in our personal lives, organizations, or communities—rarely can be solved by working only with people who think like us. The very complexity of modern life demands that we find ways to collaborate across differences, disagreements, and even deep mistrust. This isn't about compromising our values or pretending conflicts don't exist. Instead, it's about learning to harness the creative tension that emerges when diverse perspectives come together with genuine commitment to move forward. The path ahead requires us to stretch beyond our comfort zones and embrace new ways of relating, problem-solving, and participating in change. It demands courage, creativity, and a willingness to transform ourselves in the process of transforming our situations.
Choose Your Battles: When Collaboration Is Your Best Option
Understanding when to collaborate begins with recognizing that working with others isn't always the right choice. We actually have four fundamental options when facing any problematic situation: we can force our way through, adapt to circumstances as they are, exit entirely, or choose to collaborate. The key lies in knowing which approach serves us best in any given moment. The Mont Fleur project in South Africa provides a compelling example of choosing collaboration wisely. In 1991, as the country stood on the precipice of either peaceful transition or civil war, a diverse group of leaders faced an impossible choice. Political opponents, former enemies, and representatives from across the racial divide had to decide whether to work together or continue their separate struggles. Professor Pieter le Roux and Vincent Maphai made the bold decision to invite these adversaries into a shared exploration of possible futures, despite having no guarantee that collaboration would succeed. What emerged was extraordinary. Leaders who had never spoken to each other began crafting scenarios that would guide South Africa through its historic transition. They discovered that the "miraculous option" wasn't divine intervention, but rather the willingness of sworn enemies to work through their differences together. Nelson Mandela later observed that such collaborative processes helped make the peaceful transition possible. The lesson here is profound: collaboration becomes our best option when we recognize that we cannot achieve our goals alone, when forcing our will seems impossible or destructive, and when adapting to the status quo feels unacceptable. Before rushing into collaboration, honestly assess whether you have the power to impose your solution, whether you can live with things as they are, or whether walking away is viable. Only when these unilateral options prove inadequate should you invest your energy in the demanding work of collaboration. Choose collaboration not because it's noble or politically correct, but because it's the most effective path to the change you seek. When you make this choice consciously and strategically, you enter collaboration with clarity about why you're there and what you hope to accomplish.
Stretch Beyond Conventional Approaches to True Partnership
Most of us have been trained in a conventional model of collaboration that assumes we can control outcomes through careful planning and agreement. We believe that successful teamwork requires everyone to align around common goals, agree on the problem and solution, and execute a shared plan. This approach works beautifully in simple, predictable situations, but it crumbles when dealing with complex challenges involving people who fundamentally disagree. The Destino Colombia project illustrates what becomes possible when we abandon the illusion of control. In 1996, Juan Manuel Santos brought together forty-two Colombians representing every side of their country's devastating civil war. The team included military officers, guerrilla commanders, paramilitaries, business leaders, and activists—people who had been trying to kill each other for decades. Traditional collaboration would have demanded that they first agree on the nature of Colombia's problems and then develop a unified solution. Instead, the team embraced an entirely different approach. They acknowledged their profound disagreements and used those differences as creative fuel. Rather than seeking consensus, they developed four distinct scenarios about what could happen in Colombia's future. They didn't agree on which scenario was most likely or desirable, but they created shared stories that helped all Colombians think more clearly about their choices. The guerrilla commanders participated by phone from hiding places, business leaders spoke honestly about their mistrust, and former enemies found themselves protecting each other's lives. This stretch collaboration produced something conventional approaches never could: genuine innovation born from the tension between opposing viewpoints. The scenarios became touchstones for Colombian society over the following decades, ultimately contributing to the peace process that earned Santos the Nobel Prize twenty years later. The key breakthrough was recognizing that agreement isn't necessary for progress—what matters is the willingness to engage authentically with different perspectives and experiment together with new possibilities. True partnership emerges not from harmony, but from the dynamic interplay of conflict and connection, power and love, assertion and engagement. When we stretch beyond conventional collaboration, we discover that our greatest breakthroughs often come from the very tensions we've been trying to eliminate.
Embrace Conflict and Connection for Breakthrough Results
The first stretch in effective collaboration involves a fundamental shift in how we relate to the people we're working with. Instead of focusing solely on team harmony and shared objectives, we must learn to embrace both conflict and connection simultaneously. This isn't about choosing sides or compromising—it's about recognizing that both asserting our own perspective and genuinely engaging with others' viewpoints are essential for breakthrough results. Nelson Mandela's leadership during South Africa's transition exemplifies this dynamic beautifully. While many focus on his remarkable capacity for reconciliation and dialogue with former enemies, his effectiveness came from masterfully alternating between assertion and engagement. Before his imprisonment, Mandela led illegal protests, went underground, and commanded the armed wing of the African National Congress. After his release, he continued to push hard for his positions while simultaneously building bridges with opponents. He understood that love without power becomes ineffective, while power without love becomes destructive. The key insight is that every person and every group possesses two fundamental drives: the drive toward self-realization (power) and the drive toward unity with others (love). Like breathing in and out, these drives must alternate rather than compete. When we only engage with others and never assert our own needs, we risk manipulation and loss of identity. When we only assert and never engage, we risk imposing our will and crushing others. The breakthrough comes from learning to move fluidly between these modes, asserting when engagement has gone too far, and engaging when assertion risks becoming destructive. This dynamic creates the productive tension necessary for innovation. David Culver, former CEO of Alcan, captured this wisdom perfectly: "When I feel myself wanting to be compassionate, I try to be tough, and when I feel myself wanting to be tough, I try to be compassionate." The skill lies in recognizing when the current dynamic is becoming unbalanced and having the courage to make the countervailing move. Practice this by paying attention to your natural tendencies. If you typically focus on harmony and agreement, challenge yourself to assert your perspective more clearly, even when it creates tension. If you naturally push your agenda, experiment with deeper listening and genuine curiosity about others' viewpoints. The goal isn't perfect balance, but conscious alternation between these complementary forces.
Step Into the Game and Transform Yourself First
The most challenging stretch in collaboration involves shifting from trying to change others to taking responsibility for changing ourselves. This represents a fundamental move from the sidelines into the game, from directing the play to participating as one of many co-creators. It requires abandoning the comfortable illusion that problems are caused by other people and solutions require their transformation. The Bhavishya Alliance in India provides a powerful example of this shift in action. When Adam Kahane was facilitating this ambitious effort to reduce child malnutrition, he initially fell into the classic trap of believing that success depended on getting other stakeholders to change their approaches. As pressure mounted and the project faced setbacks, Kahane became increasingly distant and controlling, convinced that the problems lay with his Indian partners and their supposed resistance to his methods. The wake-up call came when the project's final presentations were rejected by organizational leaders, leaving everyone feeling defeated and angry. Instead of continuing to blame others, Kahane encountered philosopher Martin Buber's insight that transformation requires "beginning with oneself." This perspective shift was revolutionary: rather than asking how to get others to change, the essential question became what he needed to do differently to contribute to breakthrough results. This transformation from blame to responsibility creates immediate empowerment. Instead of feeling frustrated and helpless while waiting for others to see the light, you suddenly have agency. You can act, experiment, and influence the situation through your own choices and behaviors. As Arun Maira observed, most stakeholders believe their problems would be solved if only others would change—but when everyone is involved, it can't all be someone else's fault. The practical application is straightforward but not easy. Whenever you catch yourself thinking "they need to change," redirect that energy toward the question "what do I need to do differently?" This doesn't mean taking responsibility for others' choices or behaviors, but rather owning your role in the patterns that keep problems stuck. Step fully into the game, willing to be changed by the process of change, ready to sacrifice some of what feels familiar and safe in service of what's possible.
Summary
The path to working effectively with people you don't agree with, like, or trust begins with a fundamental recognition: our most important challenges cannot be solved by avoiding difficult relationships or waiting for others to change. True collaboration requires us to stretch beyond conventional approaches and embrace three transformative shifts—learning to alternate between conflict and connection, experimenting our way forward rather than planning our way through, and stepping fully into the game as co-creators rather than directors from the sidelines. As Martin Buber reminds us, "The essential thing is to begin with oneself, and at this moment a man has nothing in the world to care about than this beginning." The transformation of our world starts with our willingness to transform ourselves, to stretch beyond our comfort zones, and to engage with the very people and situations we'd prefer to avoid. Your next step is simple but powerful: identify one relationship or situation where you've been stuck in blame or avoidance, and ask yourself what you need to do differently to create new possibilities. Begin there, with yourself, today.
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By Adam Kahane
