Deeper Dating

How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy

byKen Page

★★★★☆

4.09avg rating — 652 ratings

Fiction Literature & Classics Psychology Self-Help & Personal Development

Book Edition Details

ISBN:9781611801224

Publisher:Shambhala

Publication Date:2014

Reading Time:8 minutes

Language:English

ASIN:N/A

Summary

In a world where dating advice often feels like a prescription for perfection, "Deeper Dating" by Ken Page offers a revolutionary antidote. Forget the superficial games and empty strategies; true love is waiting for those brave enough to embrace their authentic selves. Drawing from decades of expertise as a psychotherapist, Page reveals that our "Core Gifts"—those tender areas of deepest sensitivity and passion—hold the key to genuine connection. This transformative guide empowers readers to honor and express these gifts, attracting partners who celebrate their true selves. Without changing an ounce of your appearance, this heartfelt journey invites you to cultivate self-assurance and open your heart to the fulfilling love you've always desired. Through compelling stories and practical insights, "Deeper Dating" bridges the wisdom of intimacy theories with spiritual truths, crafting a step-by-step path to the love and fulfillment you yearn for.

Introduction

Have you ever felt like you're hiding your truest self in the dating world, worried that revealing who you really are might drive people away? Many of us have been taught to improve our packaging rather than embrace our authentic selves when searching for love. We've learned to play it cool, act confident, and suppress the very qualities that make us unique. Yet this approach often leads us further from genuine connection and lasting love. The path to meaningful relationships isn't about fixing what's "wrong" with us or becoming someone we're not. Instead, it's about discovering and honoring the gifts that lie at the very core of our being. These gifts, found in our deepest sensitivities and greatest vulnerabilities, are actually our greatest assets in finding love. When we learn to lead with these authentic qualities rather than hide them, our entire approach to dating transforms, and we begin attracting people who truly see and value us for who we are.

Find Your Core Gifts Through Vulnerability

Your Core Gifts are the parts of yourself where you feel most intensely and care most deeply. They exist in the places where you experience both your greatest joy and your most profound pain. Understanding this connection between sensitivity and strength is crucial because most of us have been taught to view our vulnerabilities as weaknesses that need to be overcome or hidden. Consider Susan, who came to therapy after her boyfriend of two years left her devastated. She described herself as someone who put her whole heart into relationships, caring deeply for others in ways that seemed to leave her feeling drained and unappreciated. Her friends couldn't understand why she hurt so much more than others when relationships ended, and she began to wonder if there was something wrong with her capacity for caring. Through therapy, Susan began to recognize that her profound ability to love wasn't a weakness but rather a rare and valuable gift. Her "bone-deep capacity to put love first" and her natural generosity were qualities that had shaped every meaningful relationship in her life. As Susan learned to honor these qualities as gifts rather than burdens, her entire perspective shifted. She stopped blaming herself for other people's inability to match her level of caring. Instead, she began to see that her sensitivity was actually a sophisticated radar system that could help her distinguish between people who could honor her gifts and those who would take advantage of them. This realization empowered her to become more selective about who deserved access to her tender heart. The process of discovering your Core Gifts begins with honest self-reflection. Ask yourself two essential questions: What hurts your heart the most, and what fills your heart the most? Pay attention to the patterns in your relationships where you feel most wounded or most celebrated. These patterns reveal the territories of your deepest gifts. Practice sitting with your feelings without immediately trying to fix or change them. When you notice yourself feeling "too sensitive" or "too much," pause and consider that these might be signals pointing toward your greatest strengths. Remember that embracing your Core Gifts isn't about becoming vulnerable without boundaries. It's about developing the wisdom to share your authentic self with people who have demonstrated they can honor and appreciate these qualities in you.

Choose Inspiration Over Deprivation in Love

The most transformative dating principle you can learn is the distinction between attractions of inspiration and attractions of deprivation. This understanding will fundamentally change how you approach relationships and can save you years of heartbreak and confusion. Meryl, a thirty-five-year-old guidance counselor, believed she had found her perfect match in Jeff, a successful real estate developer who was brilliant, generous, and seemingly devoted to her. Their connection felt transcendent, especially during a vulnerable time when she had experienced family tragedies. However, over time, troubling patterns emerged. Jeff always needed to be the authority figure, subtly criticized her appearance and choices, and used his charm more to impress others than to genuinely connect with her. Despite the magical sex and shared dreams, Meryl found herself constantly defending herself and feeling "less than" in the relationship. Through couples counseling, it became clear that Jeff wasn't willing to do the hard work of creating genuine partnership. In a moment of anger, he abruptly ended therapy and blamed Meryl's oversensitivity for their problems. Though leaving him was agonizing because their love felt real in many ways, Meryl recognized that this was ultimately an attraction of deprivation. She was trying to get love from someone who, despite his positive qualities, couldn't truly treasure her gifts. Attractions of deprivation are compelling precisely because they trigger our deepest insecurities while offering intermittent rewards. Like gambling, these relationships keep us hooked through unpredictable reinforcement. In contrast, attractions of inspiration are fueled by genuine well-being, mutual respect, and consistent caring. They may develop more slowly, but they create the foundation for lasting love. To identify your attractions of inspiration, look for people who inspire you with their kindness, integrity, and emotional generosity. Notice how you feel in their presence. Do they make you feel more like yourself, or do you find yourself constantly trying to prove your worth? Practice the "90 percent rule" by accepting that most people you meet won't be a match, allowing you to move more quickly toward those who truly are. Focus exclusively on attractions of inspiration, even when attractions of deprivation feel more exciting or familiar. This commitment will transform your dating life by drawing you toward people who can actually love and appreciate you for who you are.

Lead with Authenticity in Dating

Learning to lead with your authentic self in dating situations requires both courage and wisdom. This approach isn't about sharing your deepest secrets on a first date, but rather about bringing genuine warmth, kindness, and honesty to your interactions while maintaining healthy boundaries. Take the example of Janet, who had been dating Bill for several weeks and felt her feelings deepening. Walking past a chocolate shop, she saw beautiful confections that made her want to surprise him with a gift. Her first instinct was to hold back, worrying that such a gesture might seem needy or scare him away. But then she realized something crucial: Bill was different from the intimacy-phobic men she'd dated in the past. He seemed like someone who would appreciate rather than be frightened by a thoughtful gesture. She bought the chocolates and approached their date with a sense of joy and freedom, knowing that his response would tell her something important about their compatibility. Bill's warm delight in receiving the gift confirmed Janet's intuition about his character and deepened their connection. By leading with generosity instead of strategic withholding, Janet learned something valuable about both herself and her partner. This experience illustrates how authenticity serves as both a gift to others and a powerful screening tool for finding people who can appreciate your true nature. The key to authentic dating lies in several practical approaches. First, practice genuine kindness and thoughtfulness, understanding that the right person will be drawn to these qualities rather than put off by them. If someone likes you, let it show through your words, touch, and attention. Focus on the quality of your connection rather than getting caught up in mental scorecards about whether someone meets all your criteria on paper. Develop the courage to approach people you're interested in and share what you're passionate about. Ask others about their passions as well, as these conversations create much deeper bonds than surface-level small talk. Most importantly, become fiercely discriminating about the people you choose to date, ensuring they demonstrate the kindness and emotional availability you need. Remember that showing authentic interest and vulnerability is often what transforms a pleasant date into something with real romantic potential. The goal isn't to be perfect but to be real.

Summary

The journey to lasting love isn't about becoming someone different or fixing what's wrong with you. It's about discovering the profound gifts that exist within your deepest sensitivities and learning to share them with wisdom and courage. As this approach teaches us, "to the degree that we treasure our Core Gifts, we attract caring, thoughtful people who are also attracted to us." When you stop chasing attractions of deprivation and focus solely on connections that inspire you, when you lead with authenticity rather than strategic personas, your entire dating experience transforms. The people who are right for you will be drawn to your genuine warmth, vulnerability, and passion. Your task now is simple yet profound: commit to honoring your authentic self in every interaction, practice the courage to share your gifts with people who demonstrate they can treasure them, and trust that this path will lead you to the love you've always hoped for. Start today by identifying one Core Gift you've been hiding and find a small, brave way to let it shine.