Permission to Feel
Unlocking the Power of Emotions to Help Our Kids, Ourselves, and Our Society Thrive
Book Edition Details
Summary
In the tangled web of our emotions lies a secret power waiting to be unleashed. Marc Brackett, a renowned emotion scientist from Yale, cracks the code in "Permission to Feel," revealing a groundbreaking approach to emotional intelligence. Brackett’s journey began with a compassionate uncle who gave him the courage to face his emotions, transforming a childhood marked by adversity into a lifelong mission. His innovative RULER system, already a catalyst for change in countless schools, equips both children and adults to navigate their feelings with precision and purpose. By turning emotional chaos into clarity, Brackett offers a beacon of hope for those overwhelmed by inner turmoil. This isn’t just a book; it’s a revolutionary guide to harnessing the full potential of our emotions to enrich our lives, sharpen our minds, and strengthen our connections with others. Embrace your feelings and discover the transformative power they hold.
Introduction
Sarah sat in her car after another exhausting parent-teacher conference, gripping the steering wheel as tears streamed down her face. Her eight-year-old son had been acting out in school again, and she felt completely helpless. The teacher's words echoed in her mind: "He seems angry all the time, but we can't figure out why." Sarah realized she didn't know either. When was the last time she had really asked him how he was feeling? When was the last time anyone had asked her? This moment of raw honesty reveals a profound truth about our modern lives: we live in a world that demands emotional perfection while providing no roadmap for emotional understanding. We expect children to regulate feelings they can't name, adults to manage stress they can't comprehend, and families to thrive without the fundamental skills needed for emotional connection. The cost of this emotional illiteracy is staggering—rising anxiety, broken relationships, academic struggles, and a generation of young people who feel more isolated than ever before. Yet within each of us lies an extraordinary capacity for emotional wisdom. The ability to recognize, understand, label, express, and regulate our emotions isn't a luxury—it's a necessity for human flourishing. When we give ourselves and others permission to feel, we unlock the door to deeper relationships, better decision-making, improved health, and authentic success. This journey toward emotional intelligence begins with a simple but revolutionary act: acknowledging that our feelings matter, and that learning to navigate them skillfully can transform every aspect of our lives.
From Childhood Pain to Emotional Awakening
Marc was not a happy child. By middle school, the signs were unmistakable—poor grades, social isolation, and an eating disorder that swung him from severely thin to overweight. He spent hours alone in his room, crying over the daily bullying he endured at school. His parents, drowning in their own emotional struggles, responded to his outbursts with threats and punishment. The family's darkest secret eventually surfaced when Marc revealed that a neighbor had been sexually abusing him, leading to violent reactions and neighborhood scandal that only intensified his shame and isolation. Then came Uncle Marvin, a middle school teacher and weekend bandleader who possessed an unusual gift. Unlike every other adult in Marc's life, Marvin saw beyond the angry behavior to the suffering child beneath. One summer afternoon, he asked a question that would change everything: "Marc, how are you feeling?" It wasn't just the words—it was the way he said them, with genuine curiosity and unconditional acceptance. The dam inside Marc broke, and years of suppressed anguish came pouring out. This single moment of being truly seen and heard became the foundation for Marc's life's work. Uncle Marvin had given him something revolutionary: permission to feel. In a world that demanded emotional silence, one caring adult had created a space where feelings were not only acceptable but valuable. This experience revealed a profound truth—that behind every challenging behavior lies an emotional story waiting to be understood, and that healing begins when someone has the courage to ask the right questions and the patience to listen to the answers.
The Science of Emotions in Decision Making
Dr. James, a respected cardiologist, prided himself on making purely rational medical decisions. But researchers studying his patient interactions discovered something fascinating: his treatment recommendations varied significantly based on the weather. On sunny days, he was more optimistic about patient outcomes and recommended less aggressive interventions. On rainy days, his mood darkened, and he prescribed more intensive treatments for identical conditions. When confronted with this data, Dr. James was stunned. He had no idea his emotions were influencing his supposedly objective medical judgment. This revelation mirrors a groundbreaking shift in psychological science. For decades, emotions were dismissed as "noise" that interfered with rational thinking. Researchers focused exclusively on cold cognition—memory, logic, and analytical reasoning—while treating feelings as irrelevant distractions. But mounting evidence began to tell a different story. Studies revealed that people with brain damage to emotional centers could still perform well on intelligence tests, yet they made catastrophically poor life decisions. They could analyze options intellectually but couldn't "feel" which choices were wise. The breakthrough came when scientists realized that emotions and cognition work as an integrated system. Our feelings don't cloud our judgment—they provide essential information that guides our thinking. When we're anxious, our attention narrows to focus on potential threats. When we're joyful, our minds open to creative possibilities. This scientific revolution revealed that emotional intelligence isn't about being "touchy-feely"—it's about recognizing that emotions are sophisticated information-processing systems that have evolved to help us survive and thrive. The most successful people aren't those who suppress their feelings, but those who understand them well enough to use them as tools for better decision-making and more effective leadership.
Building RULER Skills Through Real Stories
Ten-year-old Emma stormed into the kitchen after school, threw her backpack on the floor, and declared, "I hate everyone and everything!" Her mother's first instinct was to scold her for the dramatic outburst, but instead, she took a deep breath and asked, "What happened today that made you feel this way?" Emma's anger crumbled into tears as she revealed that her best friend had excluded her from a birthday party, telling other classmates that Emma "wasn't cool enough" to be invited. This moment illustrates the transformative power of the RULER approach to emotional intelligence. Rather than focusing on Emma's behavior—the thrown backpack and angry declaration—her mother became an emotion scientist, investigating the feelings beneath the surface. Through gentle questioning, she helped Emma recognize that her emotion wasn't really hate but a complex mixture of hurt, embarrassment, and fear of social rejection. Together, they labeled these feelings more precisely: Emma felt betrayed by her friend, humiliated in front of her peers, and worried that she might be losing other friendships too. The conversation continued as Emma's mother helped her understand the difference between the triggering event and her emotional response. They explored why rejection feels so painful—because humans are wired for connection and belonging. Most importantly, Emma learned that having these feelings was completely normal and acceptable. Her mother didn't try to talk her out of being hurt or rush to fix the situation. Instead, she validated Emma's experience while helping her develop strategies for expressing her feelings constructively and regulating her emotional responses. This approach transformed what could have been a destructive evening of anger and resentment into a valuable learning experience that strengthened both Emma's emotional skills and her relationship with her mother.
Creating Emotionally Intelligent Communities
The email arrived at 9 PM on a Sunday night before the midterm exam: "Hey professor! I don't know you well enough to know how you feel about these kinds of things, but I was wondering if I could take a makeup exam without a dean's excuse. I was playing in a tournament all weekend... I'm so fucking tired and stressed and I would like to sleep but I have the exam tomorrow." The student's entitled tone and casual profanity triggered immediate anger in Professor Brackett, but instead of responding impulsively, he chose to wait and investigate further. When the student missed the exam and later approached him, Brackett's initial instinct was to dismiss her as simply another privileged, irresponsible college student. But his training as an emotion scientist kicked in. During office hours, he asked the crucial question: "What's really going on?" Behind the facade of arrogance and entitlement, a different story emerged. The student's grandmother had recently died, her mother was consumed with death anxiety and texted her constantly, demanding she come home every weekend or threatening to visit campus. The young woman was drowning under the weight of her mother's emotional needs while trying to maintain her own academic and athletic commitments. This revelation transformed Brackett's understanding completely. What had appeared to be stress about exams and sports was actually pressure from a parent who was using her daughter as an emotional crutch. Through careful questioning and genuine curiosity, Brackett helped her recognize the true source of her distress and develop strategies for setting appropriate boundaries. This story illustrates why emotional intelligence must be cultivated in both families and educational institutions. When educators approach challenging behaviors with scientific curiosity rather than punitive judgment, they can uncover the emotional stories that drive academic and social struggles, creating environments where feelings are acknowledged, understood, and addressed constructively.
Summary
The journey toward emotional intelligence begins with a radical act of courage: giving ourselves and others permission to feel. In a culture that often treats emotions as inconveniences to be managed or weaknesses to be hidden, we must reclaim the truth that our feelings are sophisticated sources of information, guiding us toward better decisions, deeper relationships, and more authentic lives. The five skills of RULER—recognizing, understanding, labeling, expressing, and regulating emotions—are not abstract concepts but practical tools that can transform how we navigate every aspect of human experience. The ripple effects of emotional intelligence extend far beyond individual well-being. When parents model emotional awareness, children learn that their feelings matter and develop the vocabulary to express their inner lives. When educators create emotionally intelligent classrooms, students engage more deeply with learning and develop the social skills necessary for future success. When leaders in organizations prioritize emotional health, entire communities become more resilient, creative, and connected. The research is clear: emotional intelligence is not a luxury for the sensitive few, but a fundamental life skill as essential as reading or mathematics. Most importantly, developing emotional intelligence is an act of hope. It acknowledges that we can grow, change, and heal from past emotional wounds while building stronger foundations for future generations. Every time we pause to ask "How are you feeling?" with genuine curiosity, every time we help someone understand the story behind their emotions, every time we create space for authentic expression, we contribute to a more emotionally intelligent world. The permission to feel is ultimately the permission to be fully human, embracing both our vulnerabilities and our strengths as we work together to create lives of greater meaning, connection, and joy.
Related Books
Download PDF & EPUB
To save this Black List summary for later, download the free PDF and EPUB. You can print it out, or read offline at your convenience.
By Marc Brackett
