Taking Sexy Back
How to Own Your Sexuality and Create the Relationships You Want
byAlexandra H. Solomon, Lori Brotto
Book Edition Details
Summary
In a world where "sexy" is often a performance scripted by societal norms, Alexandra Solomon's "Taking Sexy Back" invites women to rewrite the narrative. This empowering manifesto challenges the mixed messages and shame that cloud female sexuality, urging a revolution of self-discovery and authenticity. Solomon, celebrated for her insights into relationships, offers transformative tools to navigate sexual self-awareness and cultivate genuine intimacy. This is not about pleasing others—it's about reclaiming your sexual truth and embracing it as a dynamic and beautiful facet of life. Whether you're redefining boundaries or seeking to connect on a deeper level, this book is your guide to honoring your desires unapologetically. Recognized by Cosmopolitan and acclaimed on Australia's The Morning Show, "Taking Sexy Back" stands as a beacon of empowerment, ready to light the way to a more liberated you.
Introduction
Maria sits in her therapist's office, tears streaming down her face as she struggles to find words for something she's never spoken aloud. At twenty-eight, she's successful in her career, surrounded by loving friends, yet feels profoundly disconnected from a fundamental part of herself. Like countless women before her, Maria has spent years absorbing messages about who she should be sexually, how she should behave, and what she should want. These external voices have grown so loud that she can barely hear her own inner wisdom whisper what truly feels right for her. This story echoes in therapy rooms, coffee shop conversations, and quiet moments of self-reflection across the globe. Women everywhere are awakening to a startling realization: their sexuality has been shaped more by outside expectations than by their own authentic desires and needs. In a world that simultaneously hypersexualizes and shames female sexuality, finding one's true sexual self becomes an act of radical reclamation. The journey toward sexual self-awareness isn't just about improving intimate relationships or enhancing pleasure, though these benefits naturally follow. It's about reclaiming something that was always rightfully yours, healing from cultural wounds that run deep, and stepping into the fullness of who you are. This exploration invites you to quiet the noise of external judgment and tune into your own inner compass, discovering what genuinely serves your mind, body, heart, and soul. The path ahead is both deeply personal and universally shared, offering liberation from shame and the possibility of profound self-acceptance.
Breaking Free from Outside-In Sexual Conditioning
Maeve had never considered her own pleasure during sexual encounters. Throughout college, she approached intimacy with a resigned passivity, shrugging her shoulders and saying "if you want to" whenever a partner made advances. This pattern continued until she met Nick, whose response changed everything. When she gave her typical noncommittal response to his request to remove her shirt, he stopped entirely. Looking directly at her, he said, "There are too many guys who just keep going as long as a girl isn't saying no. That's not me. Whatever we do, we're gonna do because you want to do it." Maeve had no framework for this revolutionary concept. The idea that her desires mattered, that she could be an active participant rather than a passive recipient, felt both weird and wonderful. This single interaction illuminated how thoroughly she had internalized the message that her sexuality existed for others' consumption rather than her own expression. She realized she had been living from the outside-in, shaped by cultural scripts that positioned women as sexual objects rather than sexual beings with agency and authentic desires. This encounter became a catalyst for Maeve's transformation. She began communicating her wants and boundaries clearly, no longer tolerating partners who weren't interested in her genuine participation. Though her relationship with Nick didn't last, the gift he gave her was invaluable: the recognition that she had the right to want what she wanted. The distinction between being sexualized and being sexual represents one of the most crucial awakenings in a woman's journey toward authentic self-expression.
Mapping the Journey to Sexual Self-Discovery
When Zahra entered therapy, she described feeling "sexually broken." Orgasms eluded her, and she felt increasingly disconnected from her sexuality altogether. As we explored her story, a pattern emerged that revealed the profound impact of internalized messages about femininity and desire. Growing up, she had absorbed the belief that good women prioritize others' needs above their own, that seeking pleasure was inherently selfish, and that controlling one's appetites was a virtue. These beliefs extended far beyond sexuality. Zahra was careful about eating in public, worried about appearing too eager romantically, and felt guilty about any form of self-indulgence. The women in her family embodied service and selflessness, leaving no room for the messy, hungry, unruly nature of desire. When her therapist suggested masturbation as a path toward understanding her body's responses, Zahra initially recoiled. The idea of giving herself pleasure felt foreign and somehow wrong. Everything changed when Zahra began dating a woman who not only encouraged self-exploration but made it an adventure they could share. Together, they visited a sex shop where Zahra purchased her first vibrator. That first experience alone in her apartment was transformative. After reaching orgasm, she cried not from sadness but from a profound sense of homecoming. "It was so powerful to give myself the gift of that kind of pleasure," she reflected. "Rather than feeling selfish, I actually felt at home, worthy and deserving. It was like a new way of being inside of my body." This journey illustrates how sexual self-awareness often requires unlearning deeply embedded cultural messages. The path from shame to empowerment isn't linear, but each step toward honoring one's authentic desires creates new possibilities for wholeness and joy.
Navigating Modern Love with Sexual Authenticity
Caroline couldn't believe she had become the kind of person who has an affair. A successful professional in a committed relationship, she had always prided herself on her integrity. Yet here she was, months into a passionate entanglement with her colleague Joe, feeling simultaneously alive and devastated. It began innocently enough, a celebratory drink after closing a deal, followed by increasingly intimate text exchanges about their respective frustrations at home. What felt like harmless flirtation gradually evolved into something that threatened everything she thought she knew about herself. The complexity of modern relationships means that the old external guardrails that once kept people "in line" no longer exist in the same way. Without the threat of social ostracism or economic ruin, couples must rely on internal compasses to navigate fidelity and commitment. This requires a level of self-awareness and communication that previous generations could avoid through rigid social structures and clearly defined gender roles. Caroline's story reflects a broader cultural shift where women, like men, have access to opportunities for connection and transgression that were previously unimaginable. The rise of digital communication, changing workplace dynamics, and evolving gender roles create new challenges for maintaining relationship boundaries. Her affair wasn't born from dissatisfaction with her partner but from a complex interplay of attraction, attention, and the intoxicating feeling of being desired. The path forward requires developing internal guardrails built on integrity, empathy, and authentic communication with partners. Modern love demands that we move beyond simple rules to cultivate the self-awareness necessary to make choices aligned with our deepest values, even when faced with compelling alternatives.
Coming Home to Your Empowered Sexy
The handstand seduction attempt was an unmitigated disaster, but it became one of Alexandra's most cherished memories. Dancing to "You Can Leave Your Hat On" in her boyfriend's apartment, she felt filled with divine sexual goddess energy until physics intervened. Attempting her grand finale against the wall, she whacked her foot on the couch and crashed headfirst in a pile of nakedness and despair. The moment could have been devastating, a story of humiliation and sexual shame. Instead, it became a testament to the power of vulnerable connection and authentic response. Todd's reaction transformed potential trauma into tenderness. He immediately covered her with his body, held her close, and they laughed together at the absurdity of it all. This response required the sacred trio that makes intimate sexuality possible: risk, self-compassion, and trust. Alexandra had taken the risk of expressing her sexual playfulness. When things went awry, her self-compassion allowed her to receive comfort rather than retreating in shame. And Todd's trustworthy response created safety for future vulnerability. This story illustrates that authentic sexuality isn't about perfect performance or flawless execution. It's about showing up fully, embracing the beautifully imperfect nature of intimate connection, and finding partners who can meet our humanness with grace and humor. Real intimacy happens not in spite of our awkward moments but because of our willingness to be seen in them. The journey toward sexual empowerment ultimately leads us home to ourselves, to a place where our sexuality belongs fully to us, where pleasure is our birthright, and where we can give and receive love from a place of wholeness rather than woundedness.
Summary
The path to reclaiming one's sexual authenticity reveals itself as both deeply personal and universally shared among women. Through stories like Maeve's awakening to her own desires, Zahra's discovery of self-pleasure as an act of self-love, and Caroline's navigation of modern relationship complexities, we see that sexual self-awareness isn't a destination but an ongoing journey of returning home to oneself. Each woman's story illuminates how cultural conditioning can obscure our inner wisdom, yet also demonstrates the profound transformation possible when we begin listening to our own voices rather than the chorus of external expectations. The most powerful insight emerging from these experiences is that authentic sexuality cannot be performed or perfected, only inhabited with courage and compassion. Whether through vulnerable conversations with partners, moments of awkward intimacy that become treasured memories, or the quiet revolution of honoring one's own pleasure, the journey toward sexual empowerment requires us to embrace our full humanity. This includes our fears and desires, our shame and our joy, our fumbling attempts and our moments of grace. Moving forward means carrying the understanding that your sexuality belongs entirely to you, worthy of respect, exploration, and celebration. It means choosing partners who can witness your authentic self with tenderness rather than judgment. Most importantly, it means trusting that the voice within you, once freed from the noise of cultural conditioning, knows exactly what serves your highest good. In reclaiming this birthright, you not only heal yourself but contribute to a world where all women can inhabit their sexuality with dignity, pleasure, and profound self-acceptance.
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