Thrivers
The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine
Book Edition Details
Summary
In a world where traditional milestones like grades and test scores no longer guarantee success, Michele Borba unveils a transformative blueprint for raising resilient children in "Thrivers." As a seasoned educator and concerned parent, Borba delves deep into the hearts and minds of today's youth, uncovering a troubling paradox: our high-achievers are often plagued by anxiety and emptiness. Yet, amidst this turmoil, she identifies a beacon of hope—seven pivotal traits that distinguish truly thriving individuals. Confidence, empathy, self-control, integrity, curiosity, perseverance, and optimism form the backbone of Borba's insights, offering a practical roadmap to equip children with the emotional armor they need. With keen observations and actionable guidance, this book is a call to action for parents and educators to nurture these essential skills, ensuring the next generation not only survives but flourishes in an ever-evolving world.
Introduction
In a world where children achieve more academically than ever before, a troubling paradox emerges: despite impressive test scores and packed résumés, many young people feel empty, overwhelmed, and unprepared for life's real challenges. They excel at performance metrics but struggle with setbacks, meaningful relationships, and genuine fulfillment. The missing piece isn't intelligence or opportunity—it's character strength. Like beautifully wrapped packages with nothing inside, these children possess external achievements but lack the inner foundation that transforms strivers into thrivers. The solution lies in intentionally cultivating seven essential character strengths that serve as internal compasses, guiding children through uncertainty and helping them flourish regardless of circumstances. When we shift focus from external validation to internal development, we give our children the tools they need to navigate an unpredictable future with confidence, resilience, and authentic success.
Building Heart: Self-Confidence and Empathy
Self-confidence forms the bedrock of all character strengths, serving as a child's internal compass for navigating life's challenges. Unlike self-esteem, which relies on external validation, true self-confidence emerges from an accurate understanding of one's strengths, weaknesses, and unique qualities. This strength enables children to recognize their authentic selves and apply their natural gifts toward meaningful goals. The story of Michael, a six-year-old with severe learning disabilities, illustrates this principle beautifully. Struggling with reading and withdrawing from classroom activities, Michael repeatedly said, "I can't do it. Kids will think I'm stupid." His teacher noticed his exceptional artistic ability during an art project and began nurturing this strength. Instead of focusing solely on his reading difficulties, she provided opportunities for Michael to showcase his drawing talents, arranged museum visits, and found an after-school art class that ignited his passion. As Michael's artistic confidence grew, something remarkable happened. He began smiling, stopped saying "I can't," and his reading actually improved alongside his blossoming artistic abilities. Years later, he wrote to thank his teacher for simply putting his drawings on the bulletin board, explaining that it was the day he stopped worrying about being considered stupid. Michael eventually graduated college as an art major and found work as an animator at a renowned movie studio. To build authentic self-confidence in your child, focus on identifying and nurturing their core assets rather than trying to fix weaknesses. Observe what energizes your child, when they lose track of time, and what activities they naturally gravitate toward. Acknowledge these strengths specifically, create opportunities for practice, and resist the urge to rescue them from challenges that could build competence. Remember that real confidence comes from doing well independently, not from constant praise or protection from failure.
Strengthening Mind: Self-Control and Integrity
Self-control serves as the executive function of character, enabling children to think clearly, manage emotions, and make wise decisions even under pressure. This strength proves more predictive of academic success than IQ scores and significantly impacts children's ability to form healthy relationships and pursue long-term goals. Without self-control, even the most talented children struggle to reach their potential. The Tools of the Mind preschool program demonstrates how young children can develop remarkable self-regulation skills. In these classrooms, four-year-olds like Henry learned to manage his tendency toward outbursts by quietly talking himself through challenging situations. His teacher helped him practice saying, "I will stand in line, count to ten until it's my turn, and sit down," while holding up fingers to remember each step. After consistent practice, Henry could regulate his behavior without adult prompts or rewards. This approach proved transformative not just for Henry but for his entire family. His mother later wrote that their home life improved dramatically as Henry learned to go to bed when asked, reduced fighting with his brother, and even created plans for handling conflicts. Years later, Henry excelled academically and was elected class president, demonstrating how early self-control skills create a foundation for lifelong success. Teaching self-control requires helping children recognize their emotional warning signs, practice calming techniques like deep breathing, and develop positive self-talk strategies. Create clear expectations and consistent routines while gradually increasing your child's decision-making opportunities. Most importantly, model the self-control you want to see, as children learn more from what we do than what we say. Integrity provides the moral compass that guides children's decisions when no one is watching, encompassing honesty, responsibility, and the courage to do what's right even when it's difficult.
Cultivating Will: Curiosity and Perseverance
Curiosity drives children to explore, question, and create, making it essential for thriving in our rapidly changing world. This strength transforms learning from a chore into an adventure and helps children develop the innovative thinking skills needed for future success. Yet many children's natural curiosity diminishes as they progress through school systems focused on standardized answers rather than creative exploration. The MIT Media Lab's approach to innovation offers valuable insights for nurturing curiosity. Their success stems from four key principles: peers working collaboratively across disciplines, passion-driven projects, hands-on experimentation, and playful exploration. When children engage in activities that incorporate these elements, their curiosity flourishes and their creative problem-solving abilities expand dramatically. Consider the story of students at Benjamin Banneker Academic High School who created an emergency door-lock prototype called DeadStop after the Sandy Hook tragedy. Driven by genuine concern for school safety rather than college application requirements, these teenagers developed an innovative solution that earned them a $10,000 grant and patent representation. Their success stemmed from combining passion with purpose, collaborative teamwork, and the freedom to think creatively about real-world problems. To foster curiosity in your children, provide open-ended materials and experiences that allow for multiple solutions. Ask "what if" and "I wonder" questions regularly, and resist the urge to immediately provide answers. Create spaces for tinkering and experimentation, limit excessive screen time that promotes passive consumption, and celebrate creative risks even when they don't succeed perfectly. Perseverance enables children to persist through challenges and setbacks, ultimately determining whether they achieve their goals and proving more predictive of success than talent or intelligence alone.
Finding Hope: Teaching Optimism for Life
Optimism serves as the foundation for resilience, enabling children to maintain hope and agency in the face of challenges. This isn't about naive positivity or ignoring real problems, but rather about developing the ability to see setbacks as temporary and surmountable. Optimistic children perform better academically, enjoy better physical and mental health, and demonstrate greater resilience throughout their lives. Ruby Bridges exemplified this strength when, at age six, she became the first African American child to integrate an all-white elementary school in New Orleans. Every day, she walked through crowds of angry protesters who shouted threats and obscenities. Yet Ruby never missed a day of school and maintained her dignity and hope throughout the ordeal. Her mother had taught her that prayer could get her through anything, and Ruby developed her own coping strategy. Twice daily, before facing the hostile crowds, Ruby would pray: "Please God, try to forgive those people. Because even if they say those bad things, they don't know what they're doing." This practice helped her maintain compassion and hope even in the face of hatred. Ruby also had caring adults who supported her journey, particularly her teacher Barbara Henry, who became more than an educator but a friend and advocate whose kindness helped sustain Ruby's optimism about the future. To nurture optimism in your children, help them develop their own coping strategies for difficult times. Teach them to challenge pessimistic thoughts by asking, "Is this thought helpful? Is it accurate? What would I tell a friend in this situation?" Help them identify the "helpers" in any difficult situation and create family rituals that focus on gratitude and positive experiences. When setbacks occur, help them see these as temporary and specific rather than permanent and pervasive, while modeling optimism yourself through your own responses to challenges.
Summary
The research reveals a powerful truth: children who develop strong character strengths are happier, more successful, and better equipped to handle life's inevitable challenges. As one young person wisely observed, "We need to find a quick solution before it's too late for younger kids. They're going to be worse off because they're already getting pushed too much, too soon." The solution lies not in pushing harder but in building stronger foundations through character development. These seven essential strengths work together synergistically, creating what we call the Character Advantage that enables children to say with confidence, "I've got this," because they know they can handle whatever comes their way. Begin today by identifying one character strength to focus on with your child, observing their natural tendencies, creating opportunities for growth, and remembering that character development happens through countless small moments rather than grand gestures.
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By Michele Borba
