We Over Me
The Counterintuitive Approach to Getting Everything You Want from Your Relationship
Book Edition Details
Summary
In a world where love is tested by the chaos of modern life, Devale and Khadeen Ellis reveal the unfiltered truths behind their thriving relationship in "We Over Me." This celebrated duo—renowned for their vibrant presence on social media and the acclaimed podcast "Dead Ass with K&D"—invites readers into their intimate journey through marriage, parenthood, and personal growth. From navigating financial hurdles to surviving near-divorce, their candid storytelling uncovers the surprising power of prioritizing your partner's needs over your own desires. Through humor and raw honesty, they dismantle the myths of picture-perfect love, offering wisdom on communication, intimacy, and teamwork. For those eager to build a lasting partnership, the Ellises deliver a refreshing reminder that true love demands grace, friendship, and a shared vision. Their experiences might just inspire you to redefine what it means to truly thrive together.
Introduction
Picture a young couple sitting in a college dorm room, sharing a simple turkey sandwich and dreaming about their future together. She's just nineteen, he's eighteen, and neither of them knows that this moment will become the foundation of a twenty-year journey through love's most challenging and rewarding terrain. They talk not about fairy tale endings, but about building something real - a partnership that could weather any storm, support each other's wildest dreams, and create a legacy worth passing down to their children. This is the story of what happens when we move beyond society's expectations of romance and choose to build something deeper. When two people decide that their relationship isn't about finding someone to complete them, but about creating a partnership where they can serve each other's highest good. It's about choosing service over selfishness, friendship over fantasy, and "we over me" in every decision that matters. Through intimate stories of triumph and failure, breakdown and breakthrough, this exploration reveals how authentic love isn't about perfection - it's about showing up consistently, communicating transparently, and building something that can outlast any challenge life throws your way.
From College Sweethearts to Life Partners
When Devale first saw Khadeen at that scholarship banquet in 2002, she was wearing a crown and holding herself with the confidence of someone who knew exactly who she was. He was an honors student and football player, she was emceeing the event with poise beyond her years. What neither expected was that their first real conversation would stretch for four hours in his dorm room, talking not about typical college topics, but about their dreams of acting and entertainment journalism. They shared a turkey sandwich from the cafeteria, and somewhere between the mayonnaise dripping down her chin and her genuine curiosity about his goals, something deeper than attraction took root. Their love story began with Khadeen making the first move - approaching him at the banquet, writing her number in his program booklet, and later being the one to initiate physical intimacy. This wasn't the traditional script they'd grown up seeing, but it felt authentic to who they were. When they finally connected for their first official date at Hofstra, she drove forty-five minutes from Brooklyn just to spend time with him. They walked around campus, talked until sunrise, and discovered that being together felt like coming home to themselves. What made their connection extraordinary wasn't the absence of challenges, but their willingness to face them together. When pregnancy ended in the difficult decision to terminate, when his NFL dreams collided with financial reality, when distance and youth tested their commitment - they chose to see these moments as opportunities to deepen their partnership rather than reasons to walk away. They learned early that love isn't about finding someone perfect, but about finding someone worth doing the imperfect work of growth alongside. Their college romance became the training ground for a lifetime of choosing each other, not because it was easy, but because what they were building together was worth every difficult conversation, every compromise, and every moment of choosing "we" over "me."
Breaking Generational Patterns Through Transparent Communication
Growing up, both Devale and Khadeen witnessed marriages where problems festered in silence, where parents presented unified fronts in public while arguing behind closed doors, where children learned that love meant enduring rather than thriving. Devale's family held monthly "caucuses" where children were criticized but never allowed to respond, while Khadeen's Caribbean household operated under the unspoken rule that emotions were private matters, not suitable for discussion. Both learned early that communication meant keeping the peace rather than pursuing the truth. When they first tried to navigate conflict as a couple, these inherited patterns created chaos. Devale would approach problems head-on like a coach reviewing game film, pointing out what needed fixing with the expectation that accountability would lead to improvement. Khadeen would shut down completely, feeling attacked and inadequate, unable to articulate her perspective because she'd never been encouraged to develop that skill. Their arguments became battles about how to argue rather than addressing the actual issues at hand. The breakthrough came through exhaustion and necessity. After a seven-hour fight about a Facebook message that devolved into debates about tone and respect, they realized they were wasting precious time with elaborate arguments that solved nothing. They made a conscious decision to learn each other's communication languages. Devale discovered that his direct approach made Khadeen feel criticized rather than supported. Khadeen learned that her silence left Devale feeling dismissed and unimportant. They began practicing a new kind of conversation - one where understanding mattered more than being right. This transformation didn't happen overnight, but it became their superpower. They learned to seek clarity rather than victory, to listen for understanding rather than preparing rebuttals, and to address issues in real-time rather than letting them fester. When they became parents, they made transparency their family's foundation - apologizing to their children when they made mistakes, explaining their decisions, and creating space for young voices to be heard and respected. By refusing to repeat the communication patterns that had limited their parents' happiness, they created a new family legacy built on authentic connection rather than performance.
Building Empire Together: Service Over Selfishness
The first years of marriage nearly broke them. Devale's NFL career ended unexpectedly during the 2008 financial crisis, their investments evaporated, and they found themselves starting over with a newborn son and no clear path forward. Instead of a traditional division of labor, necessity forced them into unconventional roles. Khadeen became the primary breadwinner working at MAC while Devale stayed home with Jackson and built his acting career from scratch. Friends and family questioned their choices, but they were learning something revolutionary about partnership. The real transformation began when they stopped focusing on what they could get from each other and started asking what they could give. When Khadeen worked twelve-hour retail shifts during holiday seasons, missing Jackson's milestones and leaving Thanksgiving dinner early for Black Friday shifts, Devale promised her it would be temporary. He wasn't just making empty reassurances - he was working eighteen-hour days, taking every audition, and building multiple businesses simultaneously to create the foundation that would allow her to quit. When Devale finally qualified for Screen Actors Guild insurance and steady commercial residuals, his first priority wasn't expanding his own opportunities - it was giving Khadeen the freedom to build her own dreams. He encouraged her to leave MAC and start her own bridal makeup business, providing the financial cushion she needed to take that entrepreneurial leap. Within three months, she was earning more than her corporate salary while having the flexibility to be present for their growing family. This pattern of service became their relationship's operating system. When one person was ready to level up, the other provided support, encouragement, and practical assistance. When one was struggling, the other stepped up to carry more weight. They discovered that true partnership isn't about maintaining perfect balance, but about being willing to tip the scales in favor of each other's success. Their approach challenges conventional relationship advice that warns against "losing yourself" in partnership. Instead, they found that serving each other's highest good actually helped them become better versions of themselves. By making each other's dreams as important as their own, they created a synergy that allowed both to achieve more than either could have accomplished alone. Their marriage became the foundation that made everything else possible.
Creating Legacy: Marriage, Parenthood and Authentic Partnership
The transition from couple to family brought unexpected challenges that tested everything they thought they knew about love and commitment. Jackson's birth was traumatic - Khadeen hemorrhaged and nearly died, requiring emergency surgery that left Devale terrified of losing the woman who had become his anchor. The experience forced them to confront their mortality and the fragility of the life they were building together. In the recovery room, holding their son while watching Khadeen heal, they made promises about the kind of parents and partners they wanted to become. With four sons now - Jackson, Kairo, Kaz, and Dakota - they've had to continuously evolve their understanding of family dynamics. They learned early that putting children first at the expense of their marriage created chaos rather than stability. Instead, they prioritize their relationship as the foundation that makes everything else possible. Their sons witness parents who are affectionate with each other, who resolve conflicts respectfully, and who support each other's individual growth while maintaining their partnership. Their parenting philosophy centers on transparency and emotional intelligence. Unlike the families they grew up in, where children were expected to be seen and not heard, they encourage their sons to express feelings, ask questions, and even respectfully disagree. They apologize when they make mistakes, explain their reasoning for rules and consequences, and create space for each child's unique personality to flourish. Most importantly, they're modeling what healthy love looks like in real-time. The legacy they're building extends beyond their immediate family. Through their social media presence and public sharing of their story, they're showing other couples that marriage can be both challenging and deeply fulfilling. They're proving that you can work through infidelity, financial struggles, health scares, and the daily grind of raising children while maintaining friendship, passion, and respect for each other. Their home in Atlanta has become a multi-generational haven where both sets of parents live alongside their family, creating rich relationships between grandparents and grandchildren while requiring new levels of boundary-setting and communication. They're demonstrating that family can expand and evolve while maintaining its core strength - the partnership between two people who chose each other and continue choosing each other every day. What they've built isn't perfect, but it's authentic. They argue, they make mistakes, they have seasons where everything feels hard. But they've created something that can weather any storm because it's built on friendship, service, and an unwavering commitment to growing together rather than apart. Their legacy isn't about presenting a flawless image - it's about showing that real love is possible when two people are willing to do the work of choosing each other, serving each other, and building something bigger than themselves.
Summary
The journey from fairytale fantasies to authentic partnership requires courage to reject society's scripts and write your own love story. True partnership emerges not from finding someone to complete you, but from two whole people choosing to build something greater together through daily acts of service, transparent communication, and unwavering commitment to each other's growth. The strongest relationships aren't built on perfection but on the willingness to work through imperfection together - to weather financial storms, navigate health crises, raise children, and support dreams while maintaining friendship at the center of it all. Love becomes legacy when couples choose to break generational patterns of dysfunction and create new models of healthy partnership. This means learning to communicate with understanding rather than winning, serving each other's highest good rather than protecting individual interests, and building a foundation strong enough to support not just two people but the family and community that grows around them. The most profound relationships are those that create ripple effects - inspiring children to seek healthy love, showing friends what partnership can look like, and demonstrating that it's possible to maintain individual identity while building shared dreams. The invitation isn't to replicate someone else's relationship blueprint, but to discover what authentic partnership looks like for you. Whether that means having difficult conversations that clear the air, supporting a partner's dream even when it requires sacrifice, or simply choosing to approach conflict with curiosity rather than defensiveness - the work of love is always available to those brave enough to choose growth over comfort, service over selfishness, and we over me.
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By Khadeen Ellis
